Emerging...

Hi.

 I feel like I have woken up from a deep sleep...at least I hope I have. You know in movies where someone wakes up, at least they think they do, but then realises it is just a dream within a dream?Yeah, crossing everything its not that!

I have been feeling varying levels of rubbish for the last two and a half years. I wrote about it in my last post, and it all seems to have began around here. I felt like I was slowly, slowly drowning in thick mud and there was nothing I could do, save from using all my energy to stop from going fully under. I didn't love the things I used to love *church, dancing, running, baking/cooking, blogging...you know...living*...and I couldn't find anything to replace them. I felt deeply heavy. I was stressed, angry and I just couldn't be bothered. I couldn't write because I felt so ashamed with how I was feeling. I was scared of being judged. I couldn't open myself to that. So I isolated myself at home. I absolutely felt I had little control over the spiral downwards.

It seemed to all come to a head this last 6 months when my physical health started to fail. Getting intensely sick over winter, the weird arthritis in my knee *it is still not any better, but I remain hopeful.* Although I had lost the desire to do the things I once loved - I now was completely unable to do some of them. You know, there is only so much crying and whingeing that you can do before you have to suck it up...hard, and just accept the situation. I have cried so much in the last 6 months - I am so bloody over it! The unknown terrifies me...and not knowing what was going on with my body or how long it would last...was awful!

I have no idea why any of this happened, although between years of prolonged stress *kids/law school/life* and some crazy stuff going on in my birth chart - Thanks Saturn in Sagittarius!! - it all makes a little more sense. *It turns out Saturn left Sagittarius on the 20th December 2017*

What has changed tho?

I kind of knew about the havoc Saturn was causing me but I wasn't really monitoring it or even really had the energy to figure out how to manage it. Last week something changed inside me, quite suddenly. I had a major assignment due, and although I was really enjoying the subject - summer school was killing me. I was really shouty, and I couldn't get into the Christmas vibe at all - my family was really suffering. I woke up last Wednesday morning filled with self loathing and a feeling of 'I am SO done with this!!!' was creeping in. I dropped my Financial Planning subject on Friday - I wanted to be more for my family for Christmas...and I needed a serious holiday!  I shopped, I baked and I cried. I really miss the person that I used to be.

Over the last couple of days I am starting to get some of those old feelings back. I have been craving a run soooo bad! I still, at the moment, cannot run with the condition my knee is in, and I have lost a lot of fitness not being able to do as much...but I can distinctly remember the feel of the road under my feet, how good it felt to push myself and have that regular personal head space,  and the absolute exhilaration I felt every time I finished a long run. I want that again! I also want to bake, to create, to blog! *to do all the things!*

There are some things that I am still not feeling though...as much as I love dancing, I don't, right now, feel like I want go back to West Coast Swing. *freestyle competition was just not right for me, I pushed too hard to make it fit...and my self esteem took quite a battering* Church wise, I still feel spiritually empty - and I am not sure what I want to fill that space with yet...I guess I will just feel my way and see what resonates with me.

Source: 'The Butterfly Transformation II' - Niklas Gustafsson

This image and title seems very appropriate. This is my second transformation. The first was when I first started this blog. *Interestingly its been almost 7 years exactly since I started writing - want to read from the beginning?*

As I emerge this time, I feel 'same same, but different' -  new, delicate and curiously wonderful!

Now What?...

I hate that my last blog post has sat there echoing awkwardly for the last couple of years. I have started a few drafts since then - but really it was more of the same. It seems I have been on a bit of a spiral downwards since the end of 2014 - I feel like I can almost pinpoint it. There was no specific event...everything just slowed down and got harder....I stopped dancing *I wasn't enjoying it anymore*, study was getting to be more of a grind, I stopped going to church regularly....Maybe I was burning out? *I have been studying since 2009* But I honestly don't really know. I am on a ton of supplements etc to manage my stress levels and to stop me getting depressed. I really hope it gets easier when I finish university!

At the moment I just feel shaken up. Like something is about to happen. I am all tumbled upside down.

I perhaps stupidly, took on a full study load this semester - I was so close to the end I thought loading up just before my final year would be a good idea. To avoid a massive amount of stress at the end. If I survive the next fortnight, I should be good. So cross everything for me....please!

For some reason, have been sick one way or the other since the end of June. I don't get sick often *at all* so it has been hard to get used to, being forced to change the way I live my life....FAST. Trying to juggle a million balls with everything falling into place, at the very last minute. My swollen leg has meant my gym time has had to change....no more Combat....for the time being. That was really hard to deal with. Its a stress release that I rely on....my one and only constant - it always makes me feel good and powerful and capable. It also helped me manage my body size - to some degree. I have had to just let go - I do upper body weights a couple of times a week but that is it. When you can't do something, you can only fight so much against reality - eventually you just have to accept it. I am lucky I didn't have a blood clot....but still....I have cried a lot this last month. I mean I don't know how long this is gonna last, and I am flat out just doing physical housework, dinner, kids etc

Then 2 days ago - my phone died. it felt like the last straw - I mean.... come on!! My phone is my life - my connection to the outside world. I completely broke down - I literally cannot handle anything else. I haven't figure out how to fix this yet - Super Stud has given me his pad for my online use. I need to get it sorted, but I also have 3 assignments to do....SOOOO....

Now I feel like I have zero fight left.... If there is anything else to come - come at me! I am adjusting and I am ok. Life is about changing, right?

I Can't Breathe....

“Sometimes I sit alone under the stars and think of the galaxies inside my heart and truly wonder if anyone will ever want to make sense of all that I am.”

- Christopher Poindexter

I am lonely. Unbearably lonely.


I have found myself talking to my 12 year old son in the car just to have someone to chat to. Its rather awkward, because he's 12, and a boy, and doesn't really care. Although since he loves me a whole lot he tries really hard to be engaged. I give him mad respect for that. My husband, Super Stud, although a total Rockstar and who does some lovely things for me in total selflessness, is not very chatty - at all - and seems to have little need for friendships.


It is common knowledge that I am rather prolific on Facebook, but in all honestly my online presence is the only social interaction I have - and even that is very one sided. I just spew my life and thoughts out in countless little posts. It is utterly depressing, and not satisfying at all. I may be quite introverted, but I crave and thrive on human connection. Why do I exist otherwise?

Truthfully, I don't have a lot of time - but anyone is welcome to dinner, to cook with me, to drink with me, hell, to be my penpal...whatever - Let's get real together.


The result is that I am internalising everything I feel and want to say and as a consequence, despite my regular Facebook word vomits and shares, I am drinking too much - alone, eating too much - alone, watching too much, in order to try to escape myself. Daily I mentally dabble with the idea of running away to a place where people really don't know me. To max out Super Stud's credit card and jump on a plane and disappear.


My kids are keeping me going each day. Keeping me HERE. They need ME, they love ME, they think I am funny and they want to hang out with me....all the time! I wish that satisfied me too, but it doesn't.


The way I feel about my depression is the way I felt about living with domestic violence - its not bad enough. Its cyclic. I have plenty of good, busy days. I don't need my head shrunk, I can cope. I can get out of bed, I feed my family, I clean, I do my homework, I exercise. The bad days don't last.


Instead it's a fight to do all the things I do and I can't breathe....

And So It Starts....

Back at Uni and oh.my.goodness!! It's Friday of the first week and I am in the library, taking a break from, reading about the 'concepts of justice'....*snore* I would much prefer to talk about them than read about them! Mind you, there probably wouldn't be much talking, because as always I am alone at uni....*cough* loser *cough*... I try to set goals for myself to talk to people - but really....I don't think its going to happen!! There is one older woman that has been through one or two of my classes each semester and we chat...so yeah...not a total lost cause on the social front.

Still kinda losing my mind - my 7 (8 next week) year old and I are in constant battles....I am actually having trouble making myself go out and buy him a birthday present because I am so cross at him all the time...*sigh* I feel awful...I am so sick and tired of the not listening and the tantrums...Most of the time I am a drooling mess after school drop off because the morning was soooo exhausting!

On the upside of the birthday thing is that since its Birthday Week, all my meals are planned until Tuesday...Although because I forget about it when I went grocery shopping I totally blew my budget cause I had to go shopping again...! arrrgh....thank goodness he picked 'dipping egg' for dinner tonight!

But... a wonderful tender mercy before I left the house this morning - My study calendar and diary arrived! So Yay! I ordered mum and I some online last week, and that is where I fell in love with Curly Girl....

This one makes me a little teary...oh...trying to let it go and live imperfectly....

Fun Times...

I appear to be in the grasp of some sort of anxiety at the moment. Which is why I am writing, hoping that this can be some sort of therapy. When I wake up in the morning I feel so overwhelmed I want to go back to bed, and I have this heavy icky feeling deep in my stomach.

I don't know totally why I am feeling like this, I am on university holidays after all. The kids go to school and I have the whole day to myself - so yay - my house should be spotless and I should be totes relaxed....or something. 

 I know I am nervous about going back to school - the holidays are so long and I forget how to study. This is on top of already feeling like I can barely handle my children now - (and other grown up concerns,...), how am I supposed to do it while I am back school with a full time study load?? When I think of the kids/my life I think of a tornado out of control and I am just fighting to survive.

Yes my home is clean and reasonably tidy, I make my bed everyday, I work out regularly, I get my kids to school on time, I make lunches, I bake muffins, I make dinner most nights....but the problem is, afterwards I am left feeling exhausted and I have starting drinking (1 or 2 drinks takes the edge off) almost every night to deal with the stress. Which of course is a terrible thing because that is not what good Mormon mums do...right? Cue more stress and more guilt!...

I spoke to my Naturopath mother (so ridiculously grateful for this smart woman!) and she informs me that I am self medicating with alcohol, something about my neurotransmitters, and how stress affects important brain processes. So my supplements have been adjusted so I am giving my body what is really needs instead of subbing in alcohol.

BUT - still, if this is my stress now, what about when school goes back in a week? How do I manage it????

So its almost 7am - and I didn't go back to bed. I have fiddled around with the printer because it hasn't been working lately and I REALLY wanted to print this rad FREE To Do List from Art By Jaz Higgins, a local Brisbane artist. Check out her gorgeous work here.

The first thing on my TO DO list today is : Get a new colour cartridge for my printer!!

A Life of Adventure....?

Do you ever wish you could vicariously live someone else's life?......

I guess that is a little bit of a stupid question - because of course! The evidence is firmly in our cultural obsession with movies, books, TV shows etc....

You see, I was having this thought lying in bed at approx 8.30am - because I didn't really feel like getting up and getting on with my day....it is a public holiday for us - The Show Holiday - although I haven't really seen much advertisement for it this year....and we are not going. But, public holidays are good, because we are all at home, without the usual Saturday or Sunday commitments...

Anyway, so I was lying it bed being a bum and quite enjoying it after a couple of 3am study sessions this week...and thinking about how it would be nice to trade my life for some adventure....However, the point is that it is now 3 hours later and I have put on and hung out washing, swept the floor, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the toilets, made my bed, chatted to the neighbour, dusted the living area, denied Amelie's request to cook in my clean kitchen, then reneged and let her cook as long as she didn't need supervision (a chocolate cake is in the oven - I can smell it now!), and had a shower and made myself presentable....oh yeah and bought tickets to Soulfest and called hubby a few times and tentatively tried to organised an early father's day celebration for tomorrow....

I don't have time to live a life of adventure!! I still have a long list of things to do  - the usual 'taking care of my family' business, including a couple of hours of law reading and an online quiz to do by midnight....so by the time I finish everything I will be totally shagged and all I will want to do is vicariously get involved in someone else's emotionally tumultuous, adventure of a life via TV or the book sitting next to my bed. 

Hmmm....

I currently wish I had more eps of this...."Outlander"

Permission To Stop....?? And The Cake....Finally!

I don't get sick very often.....maybe once or twice a year.....(I think) and sometime last month I was having a "sick fantasy". I was stressing out over uni and there was so much to do with the kids I just wanted a break - I hoped, just a little, that I would get sick so that I could rest.

Sick fantasies are just like any other fantasies though - they are a nice idea, but the reality is not nearly so awesome......

So my fantasy came true, on the day of my daughter's 8th birthday, right in the middle of my giant cupcake making effort, a week before my major assignment was due and 2 days before I was doing a 10km charity run - the timing couldn't have been more inconvenient!

I had finished the chocolate base (the 2nd attempt) that morning and had just baked the cake and cupcakes (for school)...I had a bit of a head ache which I though was a little unusual since I don't often get them, so I drank more water. Brier then asked me if I wanted to go to Spotlight with her to look for decorative items for her wedding. Feeling a little anxious about the cake, but not wanting to turn down quality time with her - I agreed. She helped me ice the cupcakes and we dropped them off to Amelie's class just as the first break bell went. It felt like such a hassle to do, but I am glad I did because she was so happy to share her birthday treats with her friends....and she loved my cream cheese icing!

All was well until the trip home - then the wall of pain hit me. Aching all over - Uh oh....."Brier, I think I am sick." (I always find it fascinating how fast the flu attacks....it is probably more subtle than that, but it feels like within 30mins you go from feeling fine to having to go to bed!)

As a good mum I had promised Amelie her choice of dinner that night, and her birthday request was lasagna. So on top of the cake I had that to make as well. Again - the timing was impeccable! (curse you unrealistic sick fantasy!) I got as far as making the bolognese mince that afternoon and was assembling the cake when Michael got home. 

This is as far as I got....

The assembly could have been way better, but I didn't care - I was in pain and my head
was swimming....

I couldn't do anymore, I had to admit defeat. I apologised to Amelie, and told her she would have to have cake tomorrow night so I could finish it properly, and that dinner would be spaghetti bolognese instead. She was gorgeous and understanding and Michael sent me to bed.

I spent the next day on the couch, while the kids were at school, watching Season 1 of Royal Pains....as sick as I was, I still felt bad for doing it....

Side bar: Why is it that I/we (as mother's) need an excuse as extreme as illness to grant ourselves permission to stop?? I have found, excuse or not - it doesn't work.....I still feel guilty thoughts pricking the back of my mind that I should be doing something....anything!! Even if I am couch ridden with the flu.....ugh, Guilt.....oh how I loathe thy companionship!

After picking the kids up from school I called Amelie over and said "Look, I feel terrible - I need your help so that I can finish your cake this afternoon and we can take it to Babushka's tonight". We were staying at my grandmothers for the night so that I would be close to where I was running - I still had hopes that I would be feeling well enough.

Once again she was wonderfully understanding and eager to help me. I had an idea in mind for the icing to be very bright, and originally I wanted to pipe it on....

Icing Side Bar: I am not a fan of icing, its pretty but it tastes like straight sugar, or really buttery sugar. I refuse to sacrifice taste for pretty so I try and experiment with different icings. For previous birthdays I have done a ganache glaze or whipped ganache - this time I wanted to try cream cheese frosting....

....But as it turns out, there is not a lot else that holds its shape well when piped other than butter cream frosting and the heat here doesn't help matters...so I decided to go slightly easier on myself and just spread it on. Amelie and I decided on icing colours and used some lollies that she bought for her birthday - and....

Birthday Cake magic happened.....

It was fabulous!

and tasted great too!!

I don't think we actually ate any until the next day - Ami had overdosed on eating the icing while was were decorating.....

And no I didn't make the charity run. I was devastated! It is not often I get to actually use my ability to run for a cause. *sad face*

Excitement Times Two.....

I am excited, and nervous at the same time - but I guess if you are not moving forward you are moving backwards...so they say.

I just completed my first week of full time study in my new degree, Accounting/Law if you are not in the know. And for the record, it is definitely as hard as I though it would be! (I should be studying right now) But I am feeling all 'swelly' in my chest about it  - you know what I mean - I feel like "this is for me", and I am loving it.

I walked into my first Law lecture confronted with a David Guetta house remix  (something like this) blaring through the theatre, and my lecturer wearing a funky "That Shop" style dress (though I think her style is perhaps slightly darker), and her hair - a bright pink mohawk!

Okaaaay.....a quick timetable check, and yes, it was the right theatre....Definitely, a first for me.

But she was passionate about the subject , she talked with conviction about her teaching techniques....and I really dug (yes I did...) the fact that she has such a strong sense of style in such an academic environment - and honestly, two outfits later, I want to know where she buys her clothes! Two outfits later because she is taking my 'Legal Writing' course as well.....and that's when it got awesome for me.....

I thought, although slightly interesting, Legal Writing would be one of those compulsory first year subjects I would just have to endure....not so. In two hours I was awakened to the fact, that maybe, I am a writer - in some respects. I have always loved words, stories, language - especially those that inspire deep thought and moral discussion....but never really felt creatively inclined.

It excites me, maybe I have found a place that my interests and skill can fit together....and make super cute legal babies in the process! hmmmm......watch this space!

And that is just the first of our big adventures  - my family of course, is coming along for the ride! (sorry in advance guys, its gonna get kinda crazy around here....)

Secondly, today, at about 2pm  - we settled on an investment property (apartment) near the city!.....I don't know if I mentioned it before - but I inherited this huge commitment by marriage.....just as Michael inherited the huge commitment of my gorgeous 'package deal' - in triplicate! I wasn't sure these two would go well together, and as it turns out, not many banks did either! But we found one, and as the ink is drying post settlement, I am digging out all my thrifty financial juggling skills I learned, out of necessity, from my previous life.

Change is adventurous people, and so is progress! Even with the challenges that I know we will be facing in the next five years (at least!) as a partnership and family, it is still sooooooo deliciously......

Exciting!!!!

An Anniversery Of Sorts......

Three years ago today, I was in a Domestic Violence Women's Shelter apartment in Hobart with the kids and a couple of suitcases. I was physically a mess - underweight, and sporting a lovely black eye. So emotionally wrecked that the slightest sound had me jumping. So ashamed and so lacking in self esteem I could hardly look anyone in the eye and too numb to cry. 

It's an anniversary I usually forget specifically, but for the whole month of May I think a lot about the situation I left.  It has been in my thoughts a whole lot more this year, mostly because of certain events that have been in the news over the last couple of weeks. 

I do like to remember, because it helps me to be grateful for my life. Grateful to have....

A house, a wonderful husband, three well adjusted, beautiful children, the opportunity to study and to dance, to go to church without fear or embarrassment, to live near my awesome family, to have a fit, strong and healthy body and just enough emotional issues to keep me grounded and working on myself. ;)

I love my life and I feel so incredibly blessed.  My Heavenly Father has truly been looking after me.

While it has been a long, and often arduous, journey (some times I seriously don't know how I made it) - I choose to be thankful for all of the trials too. For without them I would not be me, and I would not have the opportunity to grow and to reach my full potential. So thank you for the sadness, the pain and the frustration....and for hating it all enough to make the change.

 

 "Its called the past 'cause I'm getting past, and I ain't nothing like I was before....you oughta see me now"...

Who's Coming To Dinner/Family Traditions.....

It started a month or two ago....

Although we have afternoon church, I have had this growing desire to cook lots of food and have people over for dinner! Sunday just seems like a good day for visitors.....

We have had the missionaries around a few time, my brother and his girlfriend once, and the girl down the round this past Sunday. I want a dinner guest every week....We don't know many families in the ward down here - maybe its a good opportunity!....So if you are ever in the neighbourhood and it's a Sunday, give me a call! :)

Anyway, this got me thinking about "traditions", I love traditions, although in the past we haven't seemed to have very many. Since getting married and getting our own place, everything is new again. I have had to start new daily/weekly routines, and its the perfect time to start new family traditions.....I guess it will be a while before they actually hit "tradition" status, but we have got some baby ones....Here is a few.....

We were going to the beach early Saturday mornings for me to run and the kids to play on the beach with Michael....but then I started a weekend  MYOB course. So at the moment the kids go with Michael to watch his son's football game and hang out with their step-niece, baby Peyton. When its over maybe we can do both??

Also, this newbie...

This past Sunday was fast Sunday, and I was looking for something to break my fast with before dinner that wasn't too filling - Banana Smoothie! Michael made all the kids milkshakes and now I want to do this every fast Sunday - Milkshake Sunday!

Things like this are cool.....I want more! It gives the kids (and us!!) things to look forward to and guarantees we have quality family time.

What family traditions do you have?

A Most Splendiferous Day.....

The day dawned and I was up early as usual - but craaaazy excited. Despite the excitement I felt pretty chilled out. The most stressful thing was worrying that the music would transport ok to the DJ, so we had some favourite songs, and routine music.

Oh yeah, and the fact that Michael didn't call me....I had a few butterflies about that...hoping he wasn't going to bail on me!...When I finally called he was like "I though we weren't having any contact today"...."noooo, we weren't seeing each other, but I totally wanted you to call me and tell me how much you love me, and how excited you were!! Sheesh...." ;)

Let just say getting ready for a wedding is all the more exciting when you have three children to get ready and to keep clean! :) Evette rocked up just after 11am with a friend from gym who was going to do our make up.....I was having fake eyelashes for the first time in my life! Don't really know why I haven't attempted it before, considering how lacking I am in the eyelash department!

I did my own hair, painted my nails, and the kids were all sorted without much drama....They looked gorgeous...

 Ash loved his suit, and Amelie felt like a princess....

Jack was MIA - outside pushing his wagon!

I didn't scrub up too bad either....*wink*

I totally felt like a princess!

I had planned to get to the venue early - but my brother was running late with the music and Michael wasn't there yet...so I chilled in the car with Evette down the road - all giggly and excited....chatting and reminiscing....I also couldn't help posting a quick facebook update ;)

We were fashionably late...it was awesome....Chris (my bro) took some pictures before we went up the stairs (we were getting married on the deck of my Aunty's house) - and as we walked out Jack kept yelling out "We are going to throw flowers at you!".....haha....soooo cute! Needless to say, Amelie got a case of shyness, and couldn't throw any rose petals, instead, buried her head in my dress.

 Somebody (me!) may have left the ring in the car....oops...Evette ducked out and returned just in time for my vows ;) 

 I have big knuckles....hehe

Its official.....yay!!!

We mingled, we took photos.....we missed the nibblies....so hungry! Michael's sister-in-law used to be my Young Women President, so it was kinda cool that we had known some of his family for years.....

We then went with my brother to the Botanical Gardens just down the road and took some (hoping :) awesome photos...it was fun - and then cruised down to the reception. 

Food! Friends, and dancing....it was an awesome night. The kids were running wild with each other, thank goodness for the playground out the back and big dance floor. It was nice to see the children having a great time as well. We have a sleepover planned for Amelie on our return!

Our bridal waltz was hilarious, I nearly fell over onto Michael - my shoes were definitely not made for dancing!! Although I did practice, I didn't account for the sore feet! It was still wonderful, we danced to "Put You Head On My Shoulder" by Michael Buble.

The Cake

Thank you Sam! It looked amazing and tasted just as good!!

Our routine kinda bombed - in my opinion anyway :) I don't know what it was...whether we were hopped up on adrenalin and nerves or if it actually was.....slower than normal!! We stopped it once, both noticing the tempo was a lot slower....and then just had a go anyway....It put us off - Michael forgot a bit, we messed up a little, and finished slightly late! Ugh....although it took me a full hour to stop shaking and my heart to mellow out, and the fact that I was mortified that we did so bad - especially since we were nailing it in our practice time....it was all good.  

 We got to dance together, and that's all that mattered.

...I did feel stunning in my dress, but it felt so good to swap my dress and heels for pants and dance shoes and shake it out! :) We danced a whole lot, got exhausted - and we closed shop about 9.30pm - I couldn't believe how early it was. Most people seemed to have a good time - but really, who cares, we had a ball! :) :) 

Here's the plan - I want a pot lucky/family dance party in that same hall for every anniversary - and I told Michael so. What do you think....? I think it's an awesome idea!! ;)

PS The following is in response to This Girl Loves To Talk's related post.....Aww Bobbie, I admit I had a little teary reading your post....I so would have loved you to come to celebrate our wedding with us, I was honestly slightly bummed out that you couldn't make it. You are one of the people that I wish I was able to spend more time with, for our children to get to know each other, to live closer....Thank goodness for Blogger and Facebook ;) I am so glad that we did reconnect, just to clear it up -  I do count you as friend. :) (We don't leave for our honeymoon until Friday... ;)

Oh Ye Of Litte Faith...

To set a bit of a background on the whole house hunting thing - I had been prepping hard!! I had numerous lists of all the characteristics we needed in a house, I knew what we could afford, I knew where I wanted to live, I knew what school I wanted to the kids to go to - I had been praying, fasting and making sure I had paid a full tithe for at least the last 6 months - I wanted to make sure I had all the bases covered. So in my head I was like "Heavenly Father, I am doing all the ground work and leaving the rest up to you, I know you will take care of us."

Being knocked back on the first couple of houses was a little hard to take, but I was still upbeat and we used the time Michael had off work (due to the floods) to do more house hunting.....by the second day we had put in four applications, by the third day we had two rejected - and we found out why.,...apparently my rental reference from the last place I lived in Tassie was highly unfavourable. My past had caught up with me, and the possibility of finding a place was looking very bleak indeed. I doubted. I was extremely upset and angry that I was being judged on someone else's bad behaviour (case of the "ex"). So instead of getting on my knees and exercising a little bit more faith - I completely wigged out! *sigh*

When I finally calmed down, we took the kids to the beach, I was exhausted from balling my eyes out and anxious, awaiting news on the last two houses. (Mind you, Michael was Mr Cool throughout all of this....worse case scenario according to him, I put my stuff in storage and we live in his two bedroom townhouse after we are married) I was too nervous to go swimming I just sat by the phone watching the kids play....but eventually we got the call....one of our applications was accepted!!

We had a house!!

 To me this was a little miracle, as this particular house was under application by a couple of people when Michael inquired about it, and we almost crossed it off out list. I called up to double check and get an application just in case, and heard that both of the applicants had been rejected. I don't know how we were approved, but I am super grateful that we were!

Our New House.....

So its pink - I think I can live with that.....;)

dance floor - yay!!

Tonight will be the last night at my mum and dads place.....hello adventure, hello change and hello independence!!

  Note to self: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

This Is The Place.....

So after 3 days of of housing hunting with the three kids in rainy weather....I think we may just have found the perfect home for us!!

The main criteria we had were 3 bedrooms, a convertible internal access double garage (for Michael's daughter to have a pad, or family to visit) or an extra room, a yard for the kid to play in (and me to fantasise about having a vegetable garden) - and hopefully, tiles, wood or some other suitable flooring for Michael and I to practice dancing on.

The first day was really discouraging - all the houses were in tiny streets, with hardly any street parking, the houses were on top of each other, and the kids were driving me nuts! I only got to look in a few houses, with most of the day spent doing drive-bys, checking out the internet, and on the phone to  different real estate agents planning the next couple of days of house viewings.

I noticed something interesting as the day progressed....its not just the house, or the street that has the potential to sway my opinion - its the agent! If they are abrupt and don't seem to care about what we want or the quality/state of the house we are looking to rent - its a major turn off....but if they are super friendly, nice to my children, notice the things that I notice, listen to my needs - I will rent anything off them!

Day two turned out to be full of house viewings, and very rainy - but despite that I was in good spirits. I think it had a lot do with how prepared I was (kinda getting in the rhythm of it all), and I reckon a lot do with the amount of prayers we were sending up to help us in our quest (kids included - I love seeing their faith grow!). The third house we saw that day seemed to me to be a turning point....Michael had convinced me to have a look at complex houses, they are nicer/newer for the price compared to the houses we had been viewing. I hate complexes, but since the streets we had been finding houses on were so narrow anyway and complexes these days sometimes have small yards, I conceded. It was a four bedroom house, at the top of our price range, not ideal but still affordable. It was VERY nice, but had cream carpet everywhere - mind you, it was decent hard wearing carpet....nice house no big deal...

THEN.....the guys says "I wasn't going to show you number 5 because the owners were putting it on the market, but they called me this morning to tell me they wanted to rent it out - the yard is better, it has no deck and is $10 cheaper."

We walked inside and I swooned just a little - the guy apologised for the paint scheme and the few (minuscule) gaps in the floor boards....apologise for what!?....it was amazing! The owners had been living in the house and although it was very similar to the other house - they had pulled up the carpet and put in floor boards everywhere, and every room was a different bright colour! Yellow, pastel green, peachy red, blue with transfers on the walls for the boys. The kitchen was to die for, the rooms were huge, there was loads of cupboard space, we could dance, we could have Michael's family over, his daughter could live with us - it was perfect *sigh*....

Almost...

The yard was just a strip of grass all around the house, there wasn't a lot of parking space, nowhere for a garden.....'but there is a pool just across the road!' said the children. They were just as distracted as I was. Although it was in our price range we really needed to be saving as much money as we could so it really wasn't as perfect as it appeared....Oh, but it was so beautiful!

We filled out a bunch of applications together that night, and I sold Michael on how amazing the house was. Even when we read the complex's strict rules on noise and cleanliness it still seem great....I stewed on it all night, I didn't want to get the house and feel like we were living in a gilded prison....but I can't emphasise how tempting the appearance of it was.

Anyway...I called Michael at work the next morning and told him I wasn't going to lodge the application for the amazing house, it just didn't feel right. I would rather get a much cheaper house save our butts off so that 5-10 years down the line we can buy our own gorgeous house, and we can be free!.... For the kids to run wild if they choose, for me to be as clean or messy as I want and for me to play music as loud as legally permitted! :)

After that decision, the first house I looked at in the morning was possibly as perfect as we could get! It was $60 cheaper was on the main road (so no poky street), had a big fenced backyard (with an old hills hoist close line...yay!! I was so sick of looking at tiny ones attached to the house!), a verandah, a huged tiled room under the house with a toilet (perfect! for Michael's daughter to live with us, or as a chill/dance room, or anything!), three bedrooms, separate toilet, laundry downstairs in the double garage, bath/shower, a/c in the louge room, good size master bedroom and security screens.....One bedroom doesn't have a cupboard, no fans in the bedrooms, little kitchen, no built in pantry, living/dining area aren't very big....but I don't care!


So much potential to work with, I am queen of making do....admittedly thanks to my ex-husband! :) It has everything we need, and we can save money as well!!! And the real estate lady was really friendly....and when I dropped the application in to them, their business is run from a house, with only a couple of people and they were so nice to my kids....fingers crossed everything runs as smoothly as it has so far, and we continue to be blessed for our efforts and righteous desires.

I applied for two other houses as well that we would be happy to live in also. We will hopefully be moving in just over a week!!!

If we get this one.....house warming party!!!! :) :)

The Fear IS Real...Living In Limbo....

My world is an emotional roller coaster at the moment - some days I am like totally happening and productive - and then others....depressed as anything, don't know how I am going to survive moving out with the kids (money, loneliness etc), don't think I will ever go to the temple, cursing my ex for not being involved and leaving me with all the responsibility I am clearly not cut out for....well, you get the picture....and I think I have figured out why its so extreme at the moment....

I am living in limbo,

in this weird phase of time where I honestly I don't have any idea what the future holds for next week, let alone next year....and it is terrifying....it should be exciting, well it kinda is - a little....but I am mostly worried and scared. 

I wish I could explain it better, and I wish there was someone that fully understood the fears that I am facing - it is all feeling so hard right now that I just want to give up (whatever that means....).....though I do know that if I can just get through it'll be good, I will be blessed for my endurance, my hard work etc - its just getting through that I am struggling with....argh!!

This weird separation from M is killing me, and its worse because I initiated it - so what have I got to be upset about. I feel like this big retard that threw everything away...for what? To get to the temple....which is looking like an unattainable mirage to me right now - and I have been trying to so hard and doing so well!

*deep breathe* I guess there is only one thing to do....

Suck it up, get back up and keep going....ugh!

 

The Saddest Thing I Know....

I think about my ex husband a lot.

Not always in the forefront of my mind....mostly just hovering about the perimeter, but he is there. Its hard not to when I look at my children (our children) and the way they look, the things they like, and what they do....I see him in all of them.

I hate that he is so messed up....and I hate that he doesn't seem to know how much. It really is the saddest thing. The few times I have seen him I have wanted to cry. To know the kind of person he was to what he has become, its devastating. Not just in his behaviour, his appearance/countenance shows the most startling change...I am surprised and grateful that the children still love him, still go to him, still accept him, and recognise him for who he is to them....their father, who loves them the best way that he can.

I am writing about this now because I heard Part 2 of the Rhianna and Eminem song "Love The Way You Lie" for the first time on the radio on the way home - It's really powerful, and I find it easier to listen to than the first one....which is way too intense. Though they still dredge up the same memories, this one is less brutal and graphic. It bothers me that these songs connect with so many people, because it's obvious that so many have lived with violence in their relationships....and that sucks.



I really respect Eminem - though there are a lot of his songs that I cannot listen to, due to the hardcore verbally graphic nature of them. He reminds me a lot of the children's father. I think Eminem is extremely  talented...and if you listen to this interview with Rihanna here, she describes the things that I see in him as well (and she says it a lot better). She mentions that there seems to be so much going on in his head that without music as an outlet for him, basically he would be a  really messed up guy...and expressed what I like about him too, his brutal honestly and the way he confronts himself in his music. These are things I see in my ex-husband - his art is his outlet for his deep thinking mind...except somewhere along the way he has lost himself. To me he is a genius. I know so much of what is in his head and what he can contribute to society - all of which will be lost if he can't get it together at some point....and I truly pray that he does. It really would be the saddest thing I know if he died and was not able to share his talents or live up to his potential.

Every time I hear this song below I think about him - and its exactly how I feel....I just wish I could say it to him, or shake him or something....



Dudery, I really do hope you wake up in time.

Where My Girls At??

 OK, so I am having major girlfriend withdrawals.....I see and talk to Michael a lot, and my mum is around and we "talk" occasionally....but I am really missing girl time - I haven't chatted (on the phone or otherwise), or hung out with a close girlfriend for ages!

There are things I need to talk about, and I am starting to wig out.....

Where my girls at??....Cause I need you!

Why Me??

So I am finally in Tassie....and I don’t want to be here....The roads and landmarks are all tainted with horrible memories that seep into everything I look at. 

The older two kids are with their father, and I honestly don’t know if its against my better judgement or not. (oh the awfully confusing grey areas of life!!) They are staying with a couple I don’t know and I only feel somewhat at ease because they have children too and I talked to the mum and I trust her....but I have only just met her, so what do I really know!?!  The kids were very excited to see their dad – which is great for them....Meanwhile my chest is tight, I can barely breathe and I feel one step away from a panic attack.  It’s going to be a long 24 hours.  I can only pray everything will be ok – but experience tells me that with HIM I can’t even pray for that.....so I will pray that most importantly the kids are safe, and happy spending time with their father.  I will TRY to stay calm – and remind myself that I do have a backup plan if things get complicated....*sigh* I HATE this....

Where Did You Get Your Body From?....I Got It From My Mama.....

Me and Mum AFTER our run

Mum came over for the weekend (awesome)....and this morning we went for a road run - its been so long since we have been able to do that together and I really miss it. It also got me thinking, as we talked about different things...

I started thinking about an article I read in the paper last week about how we get our "body image" self esteem from our mothers. Often as daughters the view we have of our bodies is the same as our mother's....a product of watching her and emulating her from the time we were old enough to notice. I have been, over the years, rather frustrated that I have inherited my mother's low self esteem. I have hated that I didn't choose it and I wish I just didn't care.

As I thought about that I thought about my own daughter, and how she is constantly learning things from me....lots of things I wish she wouldn't because I haven't got it all figured out yet. But I can't help it, because I am who I am, still learning and far from being perfect....as was my my mother when she raised me....not that she or I aren't amazing women - just not perfect ;).... We all pick up issues from our parents physical or otherwise, that's life, there is not one single person that doesn't....so we can't be mad because we do. Its what we do from that point that is our choice....and only ours.

There is so much that I have learnt from my mother in relation to my body that has been positive - she taught us from a young age what a healthy diet was (she was an aerobics instructor when we were kids) - something that I took for granted and thought that everyone knew. She has taught me that its more important to be fit and strong than to be skinny. She also taught me how to feel comfortable with the processes of my body - I may have been unhappy with how it looked, but she made sure I was never short on information (oh how I love information!) - puberty, sex, child birth, sickness etc. - she studied to be a nurse and wasn't afraid of detail or being frank. Our family often had very colourful dinner table converstations! She is now studying to be a naturopath and is a wealth of knowledge -and I love it - I am so blessed by the things she has taught me. Because of her positive influence, even after three kids, I am the fittest I have been in my life....and I can run!

Its now up to me to learn how to love my body 'just the way it is' and share that with my daughter, as well as all the priceless information that my mother shared with me.

Mum I love you.....I think you are an amazing woman - and I wouldn't be at all upset if I turned out just like you! xx

Talk Talk, Talk....

I have had the most intense week....and have been wanting to write something, but just haven't had the time. I had an idea - which I will do - I want to start a blog notebook so I can write down all the insights I have when I don't have a chance to write....because sometimes I am in an awesome head space and the words are just flowing but I can't do anything about it.
But anyway....I have had uni assessments to do - and if you know me, you would know that I barely fit it in. I do my homework (mostly) but don't think about uni until the days that I go, and I don't often go to my lectures....just the tutorials (the lecturers prattle on for AGES...seriously, and I just fall asleep!). Which isn't really a good way to learn, but with three kids, and dancing and lacking organisational skills (ugh...I know!)...That's just how it happens. So on that basis I was SO proud of myself that, even though I left my assignment til the last week, I worked so diligently on it that by the time I was actually writing my report on the last day I wasn't stressed at all - a wonderful feeling - AND I was really happy with what I handed it! :)

ALSO - Michael has been in NZ for the week (picking up his son from his mission...awesome!) BUT - I miss him like crazy! Mostly it hasn't been that bad because I have been so busy....though, the thing that I miss the most is talking to him. We have been talking everyday for months!...and to just not have that, even for a week has left a big hole. Last night I found myself trying to chat to dad about the new dancing shoes that I ordered....he looked at me rather blankly *sigh* ....earlier I called mum to talk and she was too busy. Then I was sitting in my car last night at almost 11pm trying to think of someone to call cause I was going nuts being trapped inside my head for so long! So...to get it out...I am blogging (if you hadn't already noticed!).
I seriously feel like a "Sim" whose social interaction is in the red (oh yeah...I love that game - wish I had time to waste on it!!)
I tried to talk to mum again this morning (she was here) and mentioned how I was feeling " You will see Michael today!!" was her reply - ugh...but she didn't understand -I haven't really talked to ANYONE except for surface chat with people here at home. As much as I am a thinker....I am intensely social and get energy from my interactions with people....so yes, if you are wondering, I am REALLY looking forward to seeing Michael today - but letting a bit out 'blog styles' so I am not so intense when I see him...;)

PS I am meeting his kids today (they are all grown and two of them are married) - and they are meeting mine....just a little nervous!  Did you see the first episode of that new show "Modern Family"?? Oh my goodness...HILARIOUS....but that's a whole other blog post. :)

Holding It All In.....

"ME"- Raw and unadulterated.....it ain't pretty :)

So I haven't blogged for awhile.....times have been kind of hard and instead of being negative and depressing on occasion I just decided not to 'write'. So was talking to Ms "This Girl Loves To Talk" today and blogs came up - as they do :) and I started feeling a little guilty for holding back - I know I am not the only one struggling from time to time  - but lately I feel like a crazy mum/woman that doesn't have it together at all, and just maybe I suck too much to contribute anything noteworthy to the 'blog world'.....but unfortunately being as brutally open about myself as I am it was bound to come exploding out at some point.....so prepare for an 'Elliot Reid Moment' ....(I love Scrubs!)


My face is driving me nuts! - I have been constantly breaking out for the last year and a half and its just not getting better, and I feel intensely self conscious and frustrated. I am seeing a Homeopath to try some homeopathy to clear it up.....(ps don't need any advice on skin, I have heard it all!) The problem with this is, for it to get better it has to get worse - and not just my skin, all the other things that don't feel quite right.....so basically I feel like a crazy person! Frustrated, irritable, angry, highly emotional and insecure....all my issues magnified....nice. *sigh*

On Top Of That....

I have an injury that is affecting my running - so I haven't been able to do it much at all....I am putting on weight, despite reasonably good eating habits (my body is awesome like that), which I feel crap about. Haven't had the energy/motivation to keep up my weights training as much either. Trying to maintain a healthy body image is hard - even though I know I am fit and healthy...suffering from the "will he love me anyway?" paranoia in a major way.....all adding to my current frustration....

 And the usual....single mum of three kids (including a 3 year old who just ramped up his assertiveness training!), university and dancing on the side (though not so much of that at the moment) - having a bit trouble telling the difference between my churning emotions and the 'normal' life stresses.

Very minor issues - I wish I had a decent camera, and I want a nice looking blog, having problems finding a layout I like! ....And want to learn html so I can do it myself.

On a good note - Church is fantastic and I have an awesome man in my life.....so YAY!

So thats why I haven't been blogging - feeling like a huge loser because I am not coping well.....but I do feel a lot better after that emotional outburst.....:)