Emerging...

Hi.

 I feel like I have woken up from a deep sleep...at least I hope I have. You know in movies where someone wakes up, at least they think they do, but then realises it is just a dream within a dream?Yeah, crossing everything its not that!

I have been feeling varying levels of rubbish for the last two and a half years. I wrote about it in my last post, and it all seems to have began around here. I felt like I was slowly, slowly drowning in thick mud and there was nothing I could do, save from using all my energy to stop from going fully under. I didn't love the things I used to love *church, dancing, running, baking/cooking, blogging...you know...living*...and I couldn't find anything to replace them. I felt deeply heavy. I was stressed, angry and I just couldn't be bothered. I couldn't write because I felt so ashamed with how I was feeling. I was scared of being judged. I couldn't open myself to that. So I isolated myself at home. I absolutely felt I had little control over the spiral downwards.

It seemed to all come to a head this last 6 months when my physical health started to fail. Getting intensely sick over winter, the weird arthritis in my knee *it is still not any better, but I remain hopeful.* Although I had lost the desire to do the things I once loved - I now was completely unable to do some of them. You know, there is only so much crying and whingeing that you can do before you have to suck it up...hard, and just accept the situation. I have cried so much in the last 6 months - I am so bloody over it! The unknown terrifies me...and not knowing what was going on with my body or how long it would last...was awful!

I have no idea why any of this happened, although between years of prolonged stress *kids/law school/life* and some crazy stuff going on in my birth chart - Thanks Saturn in Sagittarius!! - it all makes a little more sense. *It turns out Saturn left Sagittarius on the 20th December 2017*

What has changed tho?

I kind of knew about the havoc Saturn was causing me but I wasn't really monitoring it or even really had the energy to figure out how to manage it. Last week something changed inside me, quite suddenly. I had a major assignment due, and although I was really enjoying the subject - summer school was killing me. I was really shouty, and I couldn't get into the Christmas vibe at all - my family was really suffering. I woke up last Wednesday morning filled with self loathing and a feeling of 'I am SO done with this!!!' was creeping in. I dropped my Financial Planning subject on Friday - I wanted to be more for my family for Christmas...and I needed a serious holiday!  I shopped, I baked and I cried. I really miss the person that I used to be.

Over the last couple of days I am starting to get some of those old feelings back. I have been craving a run soooo bad! I still, at the moment, cannot run with the condition my knee is in, and I have lost a lot of fitness not being able to do as much...but I can distinctly remember the feel of the road under my feet, how good it felt to push myself and have that regular personal head space,  and the absolute exhilaration I felt every time I finished a long run. I want that again! I also want to bake, to create, to blog! *to do all the things!*

There are some things that I am still not feeling though...as much as I love dancing, I don't, right now, feel like I want go back to West Coast Swing. *freestyle competition was just not right for me, I pushed too hard to make it fit...and my self esteem took quite a battering* Church wise, I still feel spiritually empty - and I am not sure what I want to fill that space with yet...I guess I will just feel my way and see what resonates with me.

Source: 'The Butterfly Transformation II' - Niklas Gustafsson

This image and title seems very appropriate. This is my second transformation. The first was when I first started this blog. *Interestingly its been almost 7 years exactly since I started writing - want to read from the beginning?*

As I emerge this time, I feel 'same same, but different' -  new, delicate and curiously wonderful!

Long Time No See....

Hello Blog, it's the day after, the day after Christmas, and I have been thinking about  you.....I think it's time we saw each other a little more....

Its been almost a year since I have written anything - I put too much pressure on myself to Gratitude daily and I couldn't keep up, so I quit. Standard procedure.

Over the last month I have been blog writing in my head - I miss it.

No pressure this time.

Excitement Times Two.....

I am excited, and nervous at the same time - but I guess if you are not moving forward you are moving backwards...so they say.

I just completed my first week of full time study in my new degree, Accounting/Law if you are not in the know. And for the record, it is definitely as hard as I though it would be! (I should be studying right now) But I am feeling all 'swelly' in my chest about it  - you know what I mean - I feel like "this is for me", and I am loving it.

I walked into my first Law lecture confronted with a David Guetta house remix  (something like this) blaring through the theatre, and my lecturer wearing a funky "That Shop" style dress (though I think her style is perhaps slightly darker), and her hair - a bright pink mohawk!

Okaaaay.....a quick timetable check, and yes, it was the right theatre....Definitely, a first for me.

But she was passionate about the subject , she talked with conviction about her teaching techniques....and I really dug (yes I did...) the fact that she has such a strong sense of style in such an academic environment - and honestly, two outfits later, I want to know where she buys her clothes! Two outfits later because she is taking my 'Legal Writing' course as well.....and that's when it got awesome for me.....

I thought, although slightly interesting, Legal Writing would be one of those compulsory first year subjects I would just have to endure....not so. In two hours I was awakened to the fact, that maybe, I am a writer - in some respects. I have always loved words, stories, language - especially those that inspire deep thought and moral discussion....but never really felt creatively inclined.

It excites me, maybe I have found a place that my interests and skill can fit together....and make super cute legal babies in the process! hmmmm......watch this space!

And that is just the first of our big adventures  - my family of course, is coming along for the ride! (sorry in advance guys, its gonna get kinda crazy around here....)

Secondly, today, at about 2pm  - we settled on an investment property (apartment) near the city!.....I don't know if I mentioned it before - but I inherited this huge commitment by marriage.....just as Michael inherited the huge commitment of my gorgeous 'package deal' - in triplicate! I wasn't sure these two would go well together, and as it turns out, not many banks did either! But we found one, and as the ink is drying post settlement, I am digging out all my thrifty financial juggling skills I learned, out of necessity, from my previous life.

Change is adventurous people, and so is progress! Even with the challenges that I know we will be facing in the next five years (at least!) as a partnership and family, it is still sooooooo deliciously......

Exciting!!!!

Getting It Back....

My slightly off week culminated this morning as we ran out the door late for church to the soundtrack of me yelling at the kids. Not cool.

How it started.....

I have been pottering around since the children went back to school...gym/running, basic cleaning, time with myself - but I have felt lonely, entirely unproductive and have not had the desire to do anything greater than that or enjoy the time I had to myself. Although, I must the admit the constant rain hasn't helped - aside from motivating me to mop the floor more often! (There is something about wanting my family to come home to clean floors on rainy days...)


So this morning I was sitting in sacrament meeting praying my frustrated heart out because I wasn't feeling it - and yes, going from yelling to reverence is kinda hard - and I really wanted to be feeling it. 


As I partook of the sacrament I was brutally aware of all the things I needed to repent of, and how I felt like I was constantly falling short of the person I wanted and was striving to be. I wanted to grade myself with a big phat "Fail" and my eyes leaked as I listened to the speakers. I knew that I hadn't been trying my best and that I needed to get back on course. 

My fervent prays were heard, and the words of the hymns resonated with my soul......The only one I remember is the last....listen to it here

More Holiness Give Me

More holiness give me, more strivings within.

More patience in suffering, more sorrow for sin.

More faith in my Savior, more sense of His care.

More joy in His service, more purpose in prayer.

More gratitude give me, more trust in the Lord.

More zeal for His glory, more hope in His Word.

More tears for His sorrows, more pain at His grief.

More meekness in trial, more praise for relief.

More purity give me, more strength to o'ercome,

More freedom from earth-stains, more longings for home.

More fit for the kingdom, more useful I'd be,

More blessèd and holy, more, Savior, like Thee.

After my little reflective teary, I  was able to focus and enjoy the rest of my classes and by the end of church my spirit was lifted, I was happy. And as I type this I have regained again my conviction and zest for life - I have remembered all the things I was wanting to achieve in this little "holiday" before university starts back...and I have promised myself I would not neglect my Visiting Teaching sisters another week even if I am temporarily companion-less! 

Here's to an awesome week ahead!!! 

PS. While we were in church Michael leaned over and inquired as to the origins of my sookiness. When I told him, his response was to remind me of myself two years ago - I remembered, and maybe shuddered a little. I have come a long way since then. I think I will save that memory, for the time again when my eyes are leaking for my inadequacies and failures. I will remind myself how important it is to look back every so often....and see how far I have come. 

Spring Clean Anxiety....

I think I may taken on too much?!


Its 3.14pm. I cleaned for a couple of hours this morning, crashed out after lunch with the kids watching a Christmas movie ("Nativity" - its an English movie - twas good, what I saw of it)....now I am trying to motivate myself to keep going.

I know people do this all the time, but I do not and have not....Where I do like to keep the house reasonable clean and tidy (I am great for cleaning toilets!), and I grew up with a super cleaning mother and her yearly Christmas clean - I have, a number of times, found my self finishing the final clean before moving out of a house and thinking..."Wow, this place really looks great" and wanting to stay a little longer.

I don't know why I have never Spring/Summer/Christmas cleaned, I guess its just always seemed like too big an effort....and me being me, not knowing how to tackle it - just didn't. Plus it was easy to blame my 'unsupportive husband' (Not this one, he is brilliant), a demotivating drug problem and....babies (those last two sound terrible together, but alas, that was the reality of it) - I don't think those excuses cut it anymore...

But now I am doing it - that is, I have done lists! and laminated them (oh, how I love my new $18 laminator :)..... My son has done his room, and my daughter is half way through hers, though she has kind of given up a bit. I know I will have to step in and help with the culling process. (After my lamenting post previously on the kids and the holidays - yesterday was great, the children were awesome and motivated of my cleaning endeavour and we had a great day!) My kitchen is also...nearly half done?, maybe not quite but the success is all hidden. I think that is what is so discouraging. One wall of cupboards looks brilliant inside, but unless my husband notices the awesome cleanliness of the 'joins' between the floor and the cupboards (he won't) then you can't see anything!

Anyway I am trying to keep plodding along, reminding myself that if I work on something every day, then its bound to get down eventually!

Are you a 'cleaning aficionado'?? Got some tips for me?? Some super quick, barely any washing up, dinner recipes so I can keep up my mid-afternoon flow....I am thinking paper plates and plastic cutlery...

An Anniversery Of Sorts......

Three years ago today, I was in a Domestic Violence Women's Shelter apartment in Hobart with the kids and a couple of suitcases. I was physically a mess - underweight, and sporting a lovely black eye. So emotionally wrecked that the slightest sound had me jumping. So ashamed and so lacking in self esteem I could hardly look anyone in the eye and too numb to cry. 

It's an anniversary I usually forget specifically, but for the whole month of May I think a lot about the situation I left.  It has been in my thoughts a whole lot more this year, mostly because of certain events that have been in the news over the last couple of weeks. 

I do like to remember, because it helps me to be grateful for my life. Grateful to have....

A house, a wonderful husband, three well adjusted, beautiful children, the opportunity to study and to dance, to go to church without fear or embarrassment, to live near my awesome family, to have a fit, strong and healthy body and just enough emotional issues to keep me grounded and working on myself. ;)

I love my life and I feel so incredibly blessed.  My Heavenly Father has truly been looking after me.

While it has been a long, and often arduous, journey (some times I seriously don't know how I made it) - I choose to be thankful for all of the trials too. For without them I would not be me, and I would not have the opportunity to grow and to reach my full potential. So thank you for the sadness, the pain and the frustration....and for hating it all enough to make the change.

 

 "Its called the past 'cause I'm getting past, and I ain't nothing like I was before....you oughta see me now"...

A Most Splendiferous Day.....

The day dawned and I was up early as usual - but craaaazy excited. Despite the excitement I felt pretty chilled out. The most stressful thing was worrying that the music would transport ok to the DJ, so we had some favourite songs, and routine music.

Oh yeah, and the fact that Michael didn't call me....I had a few butterflies about that...hoping he wasn't going to bail on me!...When I finally called he was like "I though we weren't having any contact today"...."noooo, we weren't seeing each other, but I totally wanted you to call me and tell me how much you love me, and how excited you were!! Sheesh...." ;)

Let just say getting ready for a wedding is all the more exciting when you have three children to get ready and to keep clean! :) Evette rocked up just after 11am with a friend from gym who was going to do our make up.....I was having fake eyelashes for the first time in my life! Don't really know why I haven't attempted it before, considering how lacking I am in the eyelash department!

I did my own hair, painted my nails, and the kids were all sorted without much drama....They looked gorgeous...

 Ash loved his suit, and Amelie felt like a princess....

Jack was MIA - outside pushing his wagon!

I didn't scrub up too bad either....*wink*

I totally felt like a princess!

I had planned to get to the venue early - but my brother was running late with the music and Michael wasn't there yet...so I chilled in the car with Evette down the road - all giggly and excited....chatting and reminiscing....I also couldn't help posting a quick facebook update ;)

We were fashionably late...it was awesome....Chris (my bro) took some pictures before we went up the stairs (we were getting married on the deck of my Aunty's house) - and as we walked out Jack kept yelling out "We are going to throw flowers at you!".....haha....soooo cute! Needless to say, Amelie got a case of shyness, and couldn't throw any rose petals, instead, buried her head in my dress.

 Somebody (me!) may have left the ring in the car....oops...Evette ducked out and returned just in time for my vows ;) 

 I have big knuckles....hehe

Its official.....yay!!!

We mingled, we took photos.....we missed the nibblies....so hungry! Michael's sister-in-law used to be my Young Women President, so it was kinda cool that we had known some of his family for years.....

We then went with my brother to the Botanical Gardens just down the road and took some (hoping :) awesome photos...it was fun - and then cruised down to the reception. 

Food! Friends, and dancing....it was an awesome night. The kids were running wild with each other, thank goodness for the playground out the back and big dance floor. It was nice to see the children having a great time as well. We have a sleepover planned for Amelie on our return!

Our bridal waltz was hilarious, I nearly fell over onto Michael - my shoes were definitely not made for dancing!! Although I did practice, I didn't account for the sore feet! It was still wonderful, we danced to "Put You Head On My Shoulder" by Michael Buble.

The Cake

Thank you Sam! It looked amazing and tasted just as good!!

Our routine kinda bombed - in my opinion anyway :) I don't know what it was...whether we were hopped up on adrenalin and nerves or if it actually was.....slower than normal!! We stopped it once, both noticing the tempo was a lot slower....and then just had a go anyway....It put us off - Michael forgot a bit, we messed up a little, and finished slightly late! Ugh....although it took me a full hour to stop shaking and my heart to mellow out, and the fact that I was mortified that we did so bad - especially since we were nailing it in our practice time....it was all good.  

 We got to dance together, and that's all that mattered.

...I did feel stunning in my dress, but it felt so good to swap my dress and heels for pants and dance shoes and shake it out! :) We danced a whole lot, got exhausted - and we closed shop about 9.30pm - I couldn't believe how early it was. Most people seemed to have a good time - but really, who cares, we had a ball! :) :) 

Here's the plan - I want a pot lucky/family dance party in that same hall for every anniversary - and I told Michael so. What do you think....? I think it's an awesome idea!! ;)

PS The following is in response to This Girl Loves To Talk's related post.....Aww Bobbie, I admit I had a little teary reading your post....I so would have loved you to come to celebrate our wedding with us, I was honestly slightly bummed out that you couldn't make it. You are one of the people that I wish I was able to spend more time with, for our children to get to know each other, to live closer....Thank goodness for Blogger and Facebook ;) I am so glad that we did reconnect, just to clear it up -  I do count you as friend. :) (We don't leave for our honeymoon until Friday... ;)

Oh Ye Of Litte Faith...

To set a bit of a background on the whole house hunting thing - I had been prepping hard!! I had numerous lists of all the characteristics we needed in a house, I knew what we could afford, I knew where I wanted to live, I knew what school I wanted to the kids to go to - I had been praying, fasting and making sure I had paid a full tithe for at least the last 6 months - I wanted to make sure I had all the bases covered. So in my head I was like "Heavenly Father, I am doing all the ground work and leaving the rest up to you, I know you will take care of us."

Being knocked back on the first couple of houses was a little hard to take, but I was still upbeat and we used the time Michael had off work (due to the floods) to do more house hunting.....by the second day we had put in four applications, by the third day we had two rejected - and we found out why.,...apparently my rental reference from the last place I lived in Tassie was highly unfavourable. My past had caught up with me, and the possibility of finding a place was looking very bleak indeed. I doubted. I was extremely upset and angry that I was being judged on someone else's bad behaviour (case of the "ex"). So instead of getting on my knees and exercising a little bit more faith - I completely wigged out! *sigh*

When I finally calmed down, we took the kids to the beach, I was exhausted from balling my eyes out and anxious, awaiting news on the last two houses. (Mind you, Michael was Mr Cool throughout all of this....worse case scenario according to him, I put my stuff in storage and we live in his two bedroom townhouse after we are married) I was too nervous to go swimming I just sat by the phone watching the kids play....but eventually we got the call....one of our applications was accepted!!

We had a house!!

 To me this was a little miracle, as this particular house was under application by a couple of people when Michael inquired about it, and we almost crossed it off out list. I called up to double check and get an application just in case, and heard that both of the applicants had been rejected. I don't know how we were approved, but I am super grateful that we were!

Our New House.....

So its pink - I think I can live with that.....;)

dance floor - yay!!

Tonight will be the last night at my mum and dads place.....hello adventure, hello change and hello independence!!

  Note to self: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

We Didn't Get It.....

.....The house we really wanted :(, and another application wasn't accepted as well. They just said the owner chose someone else. I am pretty bummed out, it felt so perfect! But hey, some times things just don't work out the way that you think they should, no matter how good it feels.

I have been told that obviously there is a more perfect house out there for us....."more perfect" how? I wonder. Maybe 'more perfect' is the growth that comes from accepting something that may be not quite what we want, or an awesome owner/real restate, or fantastic neighbours....I don't know. Regardless, as down as I feel I know that where ever we end up (even if we have to kick Michael out of his place until we are married ;) it will be where we are meant to be.

We have one more application in - I did really like this place, nice and neat and I spent ages chatting to the real estate lady.....she married someone 10 years her junior, we were talking about age difference. She was cool with the kids running around, hiding in the cupboards. The floor is 'floor board' looking lino, the main bedroom has small walk-in wardrobe and an ensuite, the bathroom was nice, the carpet was decent - I could easily be happy there too....poky street and all. :)

UPDATE
Just realised the neighbouring suburb to where we are looking for a house is still in the ward boundaries - with bigger (4 bedrooms), newer houses for the same price.....If we are accepted for this other house, can we let go of something we already have for something better? One in the hand is worth two in the bush.....hmmm

Looks like its another few days down the coast....this time I am not going to bother with inspections, just going straight for the application after the drive-by.

This Is The Place.....

So after 3 days of of housing hunting with the three kids in rainy weather....I think we may just have found the perfect home for us!!

The main criteria we had were 3 bedrooms, a convertible internal access double garage (for Michael's daughter to have a pad, or family to visit) or an extra room, a yard for the kid to play in (and me to fantasise about having a vegetable garden) - and hopefully, tiles, wood or some other suitable flooring for Michael and I to practice dancing on.

The first day was really discouraging - all the houses were in tiny streets, with hardly any street parking, the houses were on top of each other, and the kids were driving me nuts! I only got to look in a few houses, with most of the day spent doing drive-bys, checking out the internet, and on the phone to  different real estate agents planning the next couple of days of house viewings.

I noticed something interesting as the day progressed....its not just the house, or the street that has the potential to sway my opinion - its the agent! If they are abrupt and don't seem to care about what we want or the quality/state of the house we are looking to rent - its a major turn off....but if they are super friendly, nice to my children, notice the things that I notice, listen to my needs - I will rent anything off them!

Day two turned out to be full of house viewings, and very rainy - but despite that I was in good spirits. I think it had a lot do with how prepared I was (kinda getting in the rhythm of it all), and I reckon a lot do with the amount of prayers we were sending up to help us in our quest (kids included - I love seeing their faith grow!). The third house we saw that day seemed to me to be a turning point....Michael had convinced me to have a look at complex houses, they are nicer/newer for the price compared to the houses we had been viewing. I hate complexes, but since the streets we had been finding houses on were so narrow anyway and complexes these days sometimes have small yards, I conceded. It was a four bedroom house, at the top of our price range, not ideal but still affordable. It was VERY nice, but had cream carpet everywhere - mind you, it was decent hard wearing carpet....nice house no big deal...

THEN.....the guys says "I wasn't going to show you number 5 because the owners were putting it on the market, but they called me this morning to tell me they wanted to rent it out - the yard is better, it has no deck and is $10 cheaper."

We walked inside and I swooned just a little - the guy apologised for the paint scheme and the few (minuscule) gaps in the floor boards....apologise for what!?....it was amazing! The owners had been living in the house and although it was very similar to the other house - they had pulled up the carpet and put in floor boards everywhere, and every room was a different bright colour! Yellow, pastel green, peachy red, blue with transfers on the walls for the boys. The kitchen was to die for, the rooms were huge, there was loads of cupboard space, we could dance, we could have Michael's family over, his daughter could live with us - it was perfect *sigh*....

Almost...

The yard was just a strip of grass all around the house, there wasn't a lot of parking space, nowhere for a garden.....'but there is a pool just across the road!' said the children. They were just as distracted as I was. Although it was in our price range we really needed to be saving as much money as we could so it really wasn't as perfect as it appeared....Oh, but it was so beautiful!

We filled out a bunch of applications together that night, and I sold Michael on how amazing the house was. Even when we read the complex's strict rules on noise and cleanliness it still seem great....I stewed on it all night, I didn't want to get the house and feel like we were living in a gilded prison....but I can't emphasise how tempting the appearance of it was.

Anyway...I called Michael at work the next morning and told him I wasn't going to lodge the application for the amazing house, it just didn't feel right. I would rather get a much cheaper house save our butts off so that 5-10 years down the line we can buy our own gorgeous house, and we can be free!.... For the kids to run wild if they choose, for me to be as clean or messy as I want and for me to play music as loud as legally permitted! :)

After that decision, the first house I looked at in the morning was possibly as perfect as we could get! It was $60 cheaper was on the main road (so no poky street), had a big fenced backyard (with an old hills hoist close line...yay!! I was so sick of looking at tiny ones attached to the house!), a verandah, a huged tiled room under the house with a toilet (perfect! for Michael's daughter to live with us, or as a chill/dance room, or anything!), three bedrooms, separate toilet, laundry downstairs in the double garage, bath/shower, a/c in the louge room, good size master bedroom and security screens.....One bedroom doesn't have a cupboard, no fans in the bedrooms, little kitchen, no built in pantry, living/dining area aren't very big....but I don't care!


So much potential to work with, I am queen of making do....admittedly thanks to my ex-husband! :) It has everything we need, and we can save money as well!!! And the real estate lady was really friendly....and when I dropped the application in to them, their business is run from a house, with only a couple of people and they were so nice to my kids....fingers crossed everything runs as smoothly as it has so far, and we continue to be blessed for our efforts and righteous desires.

I applied for two other houses as well that we would be happy to live in also. We will hopefully be moving in just over a week!!!

If we get this one.....house warming party!!!! :) :)

New Years Resolutioning....

I never specifically plan to make resolutions in the new year, but they just seem to happen.....fresh starts are so enticing and exciting!

I feel very blessed to have a lot of "new beginnings" in the next couple of months - new house, getting married, new university, new gym, going to back to work - change is definitely as good as a holiday! It was thinking about all these changes, and what wonderful opportunities they were (and an awesome Relief Society lesson - love my new ward!) that sparked my list of goals for the year.

This year I will have two focuses to center my goals around "Balance" and "Action" and this talk on "Keeping Lifes Demands In Balance" by M. Russell Ballard has been my inspiration - read it HERE - its awesome, I promise!

My 2011 goals:

1. Be prepared

2. Be early

3. Attend the temple

4. Nurture my families spirituality

5. Eat clean

6. Train and run a half marathon

7. Follow the "5 Laws of Gold" (in "The Richest Man In Babylon" - you HAVE to read this book! The simplest and best financial advice for getting out of debt and accumulating wealth....and so easy to read!)

8. Compete in the Australian Open West Coast Swing Dance Championships in October

9. Start a vegetable garden/food storage

10. Get a part time job in accounting 

11. Do well in my studies

12. Less Facebook....more more MORE blogging!

Looking forward to all the challenges, growth and success of the new year!!!

Sooooo.....The Bells Are Ringing.....

Wedding bells that is....:)

Yes, he popped the question....on Christmas day....It was hidden inside a Christmas card box, with a card on top so I didn't know what was inside (Lucky....as Jack found my gift stash the day before and unwrapped quite a few, including that one!). I was under the impression I wasn't getting much because I had already got a present from him - although I have to admit I was secretly hoping it was a ring, all the while thinking that it wasn't....I sat staring at the box, alone at 6am on Christmas morning, overwhelmed by the knowledge that I wanted to marry this man more than anything!

For me this was a big deal.....

I had been struggling with a fear of marriage for the last six months or so....we had looked at rings a while ago, and I totally freaked out. It had nothing to do with how much I loved Michael or even the 'tiny' *wink* age gap....it was more of the fact that I no longer had an ideal view of marriage and I had a million 'what ifs' going through my head - What if we fight and he doesn't talk to me for days? (even though from experience he never does that...) What if our values change? What if he can't handle the kids? What if he can't handle me?....What if it doesn't work out....? I know some fears are irrational, and some are real....and part of the journey involves taking a leap of love.....so hear I go.....;)

It's only been a couple of days and the plans are coming along super smoothly....the date is set for the 26th of February, a week before the dance cruise Micheal had booked for us ages ago - figured it would be pretty cool for it to be our honeymoon! My outfit/accessories/shoes are safely in the cupboard.....I feel so blessed/lucky to find everything so easily!! You are permitted to a sneak peak of my gorgeous shoes....

I got my dress/accessories from Kitten D'Amour one of my favourite stores which I have never been able to buy anything from before....Its Perfect!

The cake is in the works, the location is tentatively sorted......I am trying to keep it low key, and very reasonably priced, so far so good!!

I am kind of excited....did you notice? :) 

My Ikea Idealism.....

So, I was strolling through Ikea today...(a super cool place because the kids LOVE going there to play as much as I like going there to look) and as usual I was having intense "house fantasies" - imagining how I would have all the rooms in my house decorated.

To me the whole Ikea thing is so 'ideal', every item in its place and colour co-ordinated, even down to the families shopping there - Mums and Dads w/kids, pregnant couples......for a second I had a *sob* moment - me cruising through, fantasizing because I can hardly afford anything there, longing for the 'ideal' in my life.....a complete family, shopping to co-ordinate our world together......then I had a mini epiphany, our/my life isn't 'ideal, and our house is probably going to be filled with mismatched furniture - I then mentally slapped myself, and thought I had better suck up the sooky thoughts about not being married, because I know from experience that it does not solve everything nor does it make my life complete....and I am by far not the only one!.....And you know what, I get to decorate my house however I want, so there! ;)

This is where my decision comes in - I decided that I don't need any of that 'stuff' thanks Ikea, I will embrace the lack of funds, and being a single mum, and celebrate the beginning of my 2nd effort of living 'alone' (as the only decision making adult on the premises) - by choosing to go '2nd hand' in all the stuff that I purchase for our new house. I bet I could find some really awesome stuff!

So if you know of any good Op shops in Brisbane or on the Gold Coast let me know.....and I will be doing some serious garage sailing!

Happy Advent!!!

The calendar is done dude!! 

Mind you, my shoulders ache, I am exhausted and there is glitter everywhere.....I freely admit I am getting lots excited! This years effort is a simple one, but I think the kids will love it - especially just knowing we will be doing a family activity every single day leading up to Christmas...(Ash is going to be stoked, he is always telling me I don't hang out with him enough.) I am just a little bit happy with myself for coming up with 20 different activities (repeating learning a carol, and watching Christmas movies). It does help that school and day care have Christmas concerts and parties we can go to together! :)

Found out today my university transfer has been accepted. Things are about to get crazy - I can feel it! Will start school investigation-ing this week. It is all happening early than I expected - which gives me a little more time to get the "big things" sorted....I feel rather blessed!!

Bring on the Season.