Fun Times...

I appear to be in the grasp of some sort of anxiety at the moment. Which is why I am writing, hoping that this can be some sort of therapy. When I wake up in the morning I feel so overwhelmed I want to go back to bed, and I have this heavy icky feeling deep in my stomach.

I don't know totally why I am feeling like this, I am on university holidays after all. The kids go to school and I have the whole day to myself - so yay - my house should be spotless and I should be totes relaxed....or something. 

 I know I am nervous about going back to school - the holidays are so long and I forget how to study. This is on top of already feeling like I can barely handle my children now - (and other grown up concerns,...), how am I supposed to do it while I am back school with a full time study load?? When I think of the kids/my life I think of a tornado out of control and I am just fighting to survive.

Yes my home is clean and reasonably tidy, I make my bed everyday, I work out regularly, I get my kids to school on time, I make lunches, I bake muffins, I make dinner most nights....but the problem is, afterwards I am left feeling exhausted and I have starting drinking (1 or 2 drinks takes the edge off) almost every night to deal with the stress. Which of course is a terrible thing because that is not what good Mormon mums do...right? Cue more stress and more guilt!...

I spoke to my Naturopath mother (so ridiculously grateful for this smart woman!) and she informs me that I am self medicating with alcohol, something about my neurotransmitters, and how stress affects important brain processes. So my supplements have been adjusted so I am giving my body what is really needs instead of subbing in alcohol.

BUT - still, if this is my stress now, what about when school goes back in a week? How do I manage it????

So its almost 7am - and I didn't go back to bed. I have fiddled around with the printer because it hasn't been working lately and I REALLY wanted to print this rad FREE To Do List from Art By Jaz Higgins, a local Brisbane artist. Check out her gorgeous work here.

The first thing on my TO DO list today is : Get a new colour cartridge for my printer!!

Eventful Days....The Good and Not So Good....

The pallbearers - My brothers and cousins....

 

My favourite picture

Babushka and her sister

Two of my brothers and their girlfriends

The funeral.....the second funeral I have ever been to but the first family funeral for me. I balled my eyes out but I loved it.....I loved being together with my extended family and celebrating the memory of Dedushka.

* * * * *

Case Of The Ex.....The children's father came up for an unexpected visit....I hadn't seen him since that day...he went to lock up and I packed a suitcase and left - its been almost two years. I was terrified the whole time I knew he was coming, having  random mini panic attacks. Its amazing how different my circumstances are now and yet the same emotional triggers can cause me to fear.

Long story short - I am too nice still......and it cost me. :( It appears some people never change no matter how many chances they get. But the kids did get to see their Dad and their time with him was uneventful...thank goodness...

It has been such a stressful week with curve balls flying at me from every direction.....thus far I have survived and I am still sane! (I think) Ash's birthday could have been better, but I think he had a good day. I am feeling like such a  "bad" mum tho...grumpy, stressed and totally stuck in my own bubble trying to cope...I do love you...I am sorry guys! 

"Refiner's fire" much.....*sigh*

 

Just a little stressed out.....aarrrggh!

I don't know if its because I haven't run/worked out all week or that I am stressed out because school is starting in 5 days and I am just not prepared or hormones (those little devils always seem to play a part somehow!!)....hmmmm possibly all of the above!! But either way I feel like garbage....:(

And now that I am in it - I feel pressure to have an awesome blog....slightly frustrated that I don't know what I am doing.....Its funny how when you feel overwhelmed you just want to sit on your butt and pretend that you are not...which clearly does not alleviate any of the stress.

hmmm Ok...today I will get uniforms, pick up school books and do some kind of exercise....right....and my blog is fine...this is me.

As I "write" this my kids are hovering and Jack seriously needs a tissue....time to get my butt into gear! :)