Now What?...

I hate that my last blog post has sat there echoing awkwardly for the last couple of years. I have started a few drafts since then - but really it was more of the same. It seems I have been on a bit of a spiral downwards since the end of 2014 - I feel like I can almost pinpoint it. There was no specific event...everything just slowed down and got harder....I stopped dancing *I wasn't enjoying it anymore*, study was getting to be more of a grind, I stopped going to church regularly....Maybe I was burning out? *I have been studying since 2009* But I honestly don't really know. I am on a ton of supplements etc to manage my stress levels and to stop me getting depressed. I really hope it gets easier when I finish university!

At the moment I just feel shaken up. Like something is about to happen. I am all tumbled upside down.

I perhaps stupidly, took on a full study load this semester - I was so close to the end I thought loading up just before my final year would be a good idea. To avoid a massive amount of stress at the end. If I survive the next fortnight, I should be good. So cross everything for me....please!

For some reason, have been sick one way or the other since the end of June. I don't get sick often *at all* so it has been hard to get used to, being forced to change the way I live my life....FAST. Trying to juggle a million balls with everything falling into place, at the very last minute. My swollen leg has meant my gym time has had to change....no more Combat....for the time being. That was really hard to deal with. Its a stress release that I rely on....my one and only constant - it always makes me feel good and powerful and capable. It also helped me manage my body size - to some degree. I have had to just let go - I do upper body weights a couple of times a week but that is it. When you can't do something, you can only fight so much against reality - eventually you just have to accept it. I am lucky I didn't have a blood clot....but still....I have cried a lot this last month. I mean I don't know how long this is gonna last, and I am flat out just doing physical housework, dinner, kids etc

Then 2 days ago - my phone died. it felt like the last straw - I mean.... come on!! My phone is my life - my connection to the outside world. I completely broke down - I literally cannot handle anything else. I haven't figure out how to fix this yet - Super Stud has given me his pad for my online use. I need to get it sorted, but I also have 3 assignments to do....SOOOO....

Now I feel like I have zero fight left.... If there is anything else to come - come at me! I am adjusting and I am ok. Life is about changing, right?

And So It Starts....

Back at Uni and oh.my.goodness!! It's Friday of the first week and I am in the library, taking a break from, reading about the 'concepts of justice'....*snore* I would much prefer to talk about them than read about them! Mind you, there probably wouldn't be much talking, because as always I am alone at uni....*cough* loser *cough*... I try to set goals for myself to talk to people - but really....I don't think its going to happen!! There is one older woman that has been through one or two of my classes each semester and we chat...so yeah...not a total lost cause on the social front.

Still kinda losing my mind - my 7 (8 next week) year old and I are in constant battles....I am actually having trouble making myself go out and buy him a birthday present because I am so cross at him all the time...*sigh* I feel awful...I am so sick and tired of the not listening and the tantrums...Most of the time I am a drooling mess after school drop off because the morning was soooo exhausting!

On the upside of the birthday thing is that since its Birthday Week, all my meals are planned until Tuesday...Although because I forget about it when I went grocery shopping I totally blew my budget cause I had to go shopping again...! arrrgh....thank goodness he picked 'dipping egg' for dinner tonight!

But... a wonderful tender mercy before I left the house this morning - My study calendar and diary arrived! So Yay! I ordered mum and I some online last week, and that is where I fell in love with Curly Girl....

This one makes me a little teary...oh...trying to let it go and live imperfectly....

Hump Day.....

I couldn't be more happier to see the end of today, though the relief hasn't quite sunk in yet....I am still exhausted, incredibly cranky and the boys aren't quite asleep yet. 

Wednesday marks the end of my weekly homework, assessments, and most of my classes - by this time in the week I am constantly on the verge of tears, my house is a bomb, and I badly need to repent for all the expletives and harsh words that have come out of my mouth in the last three hours. 

*sigh* 

This is the point where I start to wonder why on earth I decided that full time study would be a good idea this year.....

Somebody please remind me!. 

I wished so hard tonight that Michael would come home, that he could put me to bed, take care of the children and clean the kitchen for me. It is his dancing night - which is cool - but I so badly wanted him here. It's all done, I managed, and the house is finally quite....thank goodness!

I know all I really need is a good night sleep - and to switch of my brain (mind numbing American sitcoms here I come!) and recharge it for tomorrow. 

It is a steep learning curve and I am trying so hard to roll with the changes I have had to make in my everyday life, and the priorities that I have had to shuffle around. 

The random moments of peace and clarity are what keep me going - every now and again during the week, when my mind is clear and unboggled and I get the chance to reflect.....I know this is what I am meant to be doing - .I love it, and wouldn't give up the challenges for anything!. 

But for now....

Bed.