And So It Starts....

Back at Uni and oh.my.goodness!! It's Friday of the first week and I am in the library, taking a break from, reading about the 'concepts of justice'....*snore* I would much prefer to talk about them than read about them! Mind you, there probably wouldn't be much talking, because as always I am alone at uni....*cough* loser *cough*... I try to set goals for myself to talk to people - but really....I don't think its going to happen!! There is one older woman that has been through one or two of my classes each semester and we chat...so yeah...not a total lost cause on the social front.

Still kinda losing my mind - my 7 (8 next week) year old and I are in constant battles....I am actually having trouble making myself go out and buy him a birthday present because I am so cross at him all the time...*sigh* I feel awful...I am so sick and tired of the not listening and the tantrums...Most of the time I am a drooling mess after school drop off because the morning was soooo exhausting!

On the upside of the birthday thing is that since its Birthday Week, all my meals are planned until Tuesday...Although because I forget about it when I went grocery shopping I totally blew my budget cause I had to go shopping again...! arrrgh....thank goodness he picked 'dipping egg' for dinner tonight!

But... a wonderful tender mercy before I left the house this morning - My study calendar and diary arrived! So Yay! I ordered mum and I some online last week, and that is where I fell in love with Curly Girl....

This one makes me a little teary...oh...trying to let it go and live imperfectly....

A Tender Reminder....

The last post has been hovering in my mind for days - I loathe to leave my blog on such a downer! Plus, I had to share the tender mercies that got me through the crazy week....

After I dropped the kids at school that day my step-daughter, who currently lives with us - but is hardly ever home, rocked up with her fiance for a day of hanging and getting ready for a pre-wedding photo-shoot. Yay for me, as that lovely young man is a worthy priesthood holder and I nervously asked if he would mind giving me a blessing to help me be calm. It was wonderful - and helped me remember that my Father in heaven wants me to ask for help and is eager to bless me.

Minutes later I had a my Visiting Teachers coming over, a visit they had organised earlier in the week. They were new to me, one of them I was already friendly with and had her family over to dinner before - but still in the early days of a new friendship, and the other I had never met before. I have been been blessed with awesome VT's!! So grateful for them - on top of bringing a basket of chocolates (Yay!!) I totally connected with them, and really felt like I could be myself. I was so (so so so) grateful for their visit - it helped me feel normal - instead of a total head case!

Then...

The next day while running I was listening to the Saturday morning session of this most recent General Conference. The second song was How Firm A Foundation  (click in the link!! powerful and amazing!), such an awesome song. More poignant as one night a couple of months ago I had the lyrics running through my mind the entire night as I slept. I awoke to search down the name of the hymn because I didn't know it off the top of my head. So hearing that song, right then, a midst my anxiety....I had 'a moment'. Running in the early morning sun with tears running down my cheeks.

1.How firm a foundation ye saints of the Lord,

Is laid for your faith in his excellent word;

What more can he say than to you he hath said?

You, who unto Jesus, for refuge have fled.

2.In ev'ry condition - in sickness in health,

In poverty's vale, or abounding in wealth,

At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,

As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

3.Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed!

For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand. 

7.The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes:

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never - no, never, no, never forsake!"

In that moment I knew that my God had my back! - and that as hard as it all seemed right then, I would get through it. 

My special moment....

I slogged away for the next few days, gradually understanding more and more of the topic. My group was fabulous and although I couldn't complete the full problem by myself, my contribution was solid and we submitted, with relief for all involved, with plenty of time until deadline. I would just like to say that I was not the only member in our group that was brought to tears by the baffling phenomena that is Consolidations!!

So my sob story had a Happy Ending - one that I could not neglect to share.

Girl Interrupted....

Feeling absolutely insane at the moment - have been in tears since - almost - the moment I woke up. It is stress - something my body doesn't deal well with at all. The cause - my university subject. Slightly weird considering I totally smashed last semester with the best grades so far and 4.5 times the work load -  and now I am barely coping with this one subject.

In my defense, it is crazy hard....and trying to get my head around it, and run a household, negotiating 3 children - it's pushing me over the edge. I am finding myself in a really dark place that I never wanted to see again - let alone my husband - he doesn't know what to do except hug me and tell me he doesn't care what result I get, as long as I don't give up.

Relatively calmer now, but that is 2 Valiums later - low dose (left over from a neck injury - I loathe prescription meds).....but I didn't know what else to do. I was too mental to function, was ready to run away because I couldn't handle another day of an anxious chest, of yelling at my kids and having Michael and his daughter witness it all.

It is horrible feeling that out of control, having to resist urges to break things in frustration and  not being able to quiet my thoughts enough to even get on my knees and ask for help. I want/ed a priesthood blessing but it all seems to hard - to call my home teachers, knowing they both work and have families...and from experience, having to wait two days for it and then second guessing myself as to the urgency of it - to explain that it was important NOW and I needed help now! Times like this I curse my body, my mind - I feel trapped by it. I know what a burden it is to be around someone struggling with mental health - and I don't want to be that person.

Wishing I didn't feel so alone right now.

Hump Day.....

I couldn't be more happier to see the end of today, though the relief hasn't quite sunk in yet....I am still exhausted, incredibly cranky and the boys aren't quite asleep yet. 

Wednesday marks the end of my weekly homework, assessments, and most of my classes - by this time in the week I am constantly on the verge of tears, my house is a bomb, and I badly need to repent for all the expletives and harsh words that have come out of my mouth in the last three hours. 

*sigh* 

This is the point where I start to wonder why on earth I decided that full time study would be a good idea this year.....

Somebody please remind me!. 

I wished so hard tonight that Michael would come home, that he could put me to bed, take care of the children and clean the kitchen for me. It is his dancing night - which is cool - but I so badly wanted him here. It's all done, I managed, and the house is finally quite....thank goodness!

I know all I really need is a good night sleep - and to switch of my brain (mind numbing American sitcoms here I come!) and recharge it for tomorrow. 

It is a steep learning curve and I am trying so hard to roll with the changes I have had to make in my everyday life, and the priorities that I have had to shuffle around. 

The random moments of peace and clarity are what keep me going - every now and again during the week, when my mind is clear and unboggled and I get the chance to reflect.....I know this is what I am meant to be doing - .I love it, and wouldn't give up the challenges for anything!. 

But for now....

Bed.

Excitement Times Two.....

I am excited, and nervous at the same time - but I guess if you are not moving forward you are moving backwards...so they say.

I just completed my first week of full time study in my new degree, Accounting/Law if you are not in the know. And for the record, it is definitely as hard as I though it would be! (I should be studying right now) But I am feeling all 'swelly' in my chest about it  - you know what I mean - I feel like "this is for me", and I am loving it.

I walked into my first Law lecture confronted with a David Guetta house remix  (something like this) blaring through the theatre, and my lecturer wearing a funky "That Shop" style dress (though I think her style is perhaps slightly darker), and her hair - a bright pink mohawk!

Okaaaay.....a quick timetable check, and yes, it was the right theatre....Definitely, a first for me.

But she was passionate about the subject , she talked with conviction about her teaching techniques....and I really dug (yes I did...) the fact that she has such a strong sense of style in such an academic environment - and honestly, two outfits later, I want to know where she buys her clothes! Two outfits later because she is taking my 'Legal Writing' course as well.....and that's when it got awesome for me.....

I thought, although slightly interesting, Legal Writing would be one of those compulsory first year subjects I would just have to endure....not so. In two hours I was awakened to the fact, that maybe, I am a writer - in some respects. I have always loved words, stories, language - especially those that inspire deep thought and moral discussion....but never really felt creatively inclined.

It excites me, maybe I have found a place that my interests and skill can fit together....and make super cute legal babies in the process! hmmmm......watch this space!

And that is just the first of our big adventures  - my family of course, is coming along for the ride! (sorry in advance guys, its gonna get kinda crazy around here....)

Secondly, today, at about 2pm  - we settled on an investment property (apartment) near the city!.....I don't know if I mentioned it before - but I inherited this huge commitment by marriage.....just as Michael inherited the huge commitment of my gorgeous 'package deal' - in triplicate! I wasn't sure these two would go well together, and as it turns out, not many banks did either! But we found one, and as the ink is drying post settlement, I am digging out all my thrifty financial juggling skills I learned, out of necessity, from my previous life.

Change is adventurous people, and so is progress! Even with the challenges that I know we will be facing in the next five years (at least!) as a partnership and family, it is still sooooooo deliciously......

Exciting!!!!

I Am Still Here!!!....

Its been ages, I know.

I think the semester holidays relaxed me so much that it was extremely hard getting back into the uni study/family combination. But, I am here, if only for a moment (studying for my final mid-semester exam tomorrow), and I wanted to give an update.

My life has been consumed with the usual family/study/dancing/cooking/cleaning - and although my head has been filled with 'blog thoughts' none actually made it on here. Sorry :) Michael and I had our 6 month anniversary a few weeks ago, we didn't do anything to celebrate (that I can remember!) but it was just nice to take a pause and bask the awesomeness of our life together.....I am so happy with him, it is all quite brilliant! I could go on, but I won't ;)

I have also been doing a little more dancing thanks to Raw Connection's 2 for 1 weekly class deal. Loved it! Although it really makes a different adding one extra night of dancing to my life - I was a little wrecked and not getting enough done - especially on the study front. So now I have had to take a couple of weeks break to study for these exams. I am definitely looking forward to dancing again next week though! :) Raw Con have also started up a half hour open DJ session before class - so for a week I was stuck in the late 90s, going through my CD collection and putting an old school R&B/rap playlist together. Super fun! This week I will be putting together some funky/smooth soul tracks for the gold coast class. I think some of this will go down nicely. :)

My Butt Lift challenge is still going - and its been great! I have increased my leg weights and my resistance band. (Is my butt higher? Looker nicer?? I think so, or at least Husband thinks it is! :) This past month has been off, however, due to busy life-ness....I am hoping my weight work at the gym will keep the strength up until I get back into it. It does feel great to set yourself goals and actually see results! Yay!

Speaking of goals, my goal for attending the temple this year is going well - even better than well, I didn't expect it to come about so fast. I admit, that freaked me out a little! (ok alot, it freaked me out alot!) I expected when I told Bishop I was feeling ready to get serious about my preparation it would be at least 3-4 months away. But no, he put me in the temple preparation class that was to start in a few weeks. I had my first lesson earlier this week. It was intense and brilliant! I have had a couple of challenges already just getting that started - the exciting thing is that challenges proceed blessings....I definitely have to keep reminding myself!

So yeah, that is some of me these past 6 weeks....gotta get back into more regular blogging after exams.

My Academia.....

So I haven't blogged for about a month - mostly because Dad cut off the internet...and to save getting my own service provider for the last couple of months I am here, M hooked me up so I can piggy back off Grandma's connection next door (relax - she knows....) - However, this means I have to sit in the middle of the hallway at the other end of the house to get a good signal (which kinda sucks)....and haven't really been in my own comfort zone to blog.....

Anyway - at the moment I am up way too late stressing about uni....more specifically my degree and what I am going to major in. Thought I had it all figured out - Bachelor of Commerce with a major in Accounting (I dabbled with the idea of a combined Accounting/Law degree - although I ended up deciding it would cost too much money and take too long) - its what I like, what I have experience in....AND I am reasonably good at it....

BUT

....As it turns out, I am really loving Finance....like REALLY loving Finance! This is my first subject in the area, aside from a brief couple of classes as part of my accounting subject in high school - and I basically don't have a clue! I like what I am learning - and its the first time I have actually read a whole chapter of one of my text books because I actually WANTED to understand.  Its fascinating stuff!

The Problem: My tutor is a complete nerd....a super cool guy, but a complete nerd....He has degree in Maths and Physics with a PhD in Maths (there is more, I think - but you get the point)....anyway, bottom line is, he is crazy smart....and I am not. I am just a little bit smart and rather afraid that isn't going to be enough.

Hmmmm.......So that is where I am at, madly surfing the internet to find out what jobs there are in finance....and wondering if its for me - and worrying just a little because I feel like I don't have time anymore to make career choice mistakes! I need to get a degree and support my family, I can't afford to mess around - and I want to love what I do! Is that too much to ask??

*sigh*

I seriously think my brain is going to explode.....

Good night. :)