Friday, May 22, 2015

I Can't Breathe....

“Sometimes I sit alone under the stars and think of the galaxies inside my heart and truly wonder if anyone will ever want to make sense of all that I am.”

- Christopher Poindexter

I am lonely. Unbearably lonely.

I have found myself talking to my 12 year old son in the car just to have someone to chat to. Its rather awkward, because he's 12, and a boy, and doesn't really care. Although since he loves me a whole lot he tries really hard to be engaged. I give him mad respect for that. My husband, Super Stud, although a total Rockstar and who does some lovely things for me in total selflessness, is not very chatty - at all - and seems to have little need for friendships.

It is common knowledge that I am rather prolific on Facebook, but in all honestly my online presence is the only social interaction I have - and even that is very one sided. I just spew my life and thoughts out in countless little posts. It is utterly depressing, and not satisfying at all. I may be quite introverted, but I crave and thrive on human connection. Why do I exist otherwise?

Truthfully, I don't have a lot of time - but anyone is welcome to dinner, to cook with me, to drink with me, hell, to be my penpal...whatever - Let's get real together.

The result is that I am internalising everything I feel and want to say and as a consequence, despite my regular Facebook word vomits and shares, I am drinking too much - alone, eating too much - alone, watching too much, in order to try to escape myself. Daily I mentally dabble with the idea of running away to a place where people really don't know me. To max out Super Stud's credit card and jump on a plane and disappear.

My kids are keeping me going each day. Keeping me HERE. They need ME, they love ME, they think I am funny and they want to hang out with me....all the time! I wish that satisfied me too, but it doesn't.

The way I feel about my depression is the way I felt about living with domestic violence - its not bad enough. Its cyclic. I have plenty of good, busy days. I don't need my head shrunk, I can cope. I can get out of bed, I feed my family, I clean, I do my homework, I exercise. The bad days don't last.

Instead it's a fight to do all the things I do and I can't breathe....

Friday, March 6, 2015

And So It Starts....

Back at Uni and!! It's Friday of the first week and I am in the library, taking a break from, reading about the 'concepts of justice'....*snore* I would much prefer to talk about them than read about them! Mind you, there probably wouldn't be much talking, because as always I am alone at uni....*cough* loser *cough*... I try to set goals for myself to talk to people - but really....I don't think its going to happen!! There is one older woman that has been through one or two of my classes each semester and we yeah...not a total lost cause on the social front.

Still kinda losing my mind - my 7 (8 next week) year old and I are in constant battles....I am actually having trouble making myself go out and buy him a birthday present because I am so cross at him all the time...*sigh* I feel awful...I am so sick and tired of the not listening and the tantrums...Most of the time I am a drooling mess after school drop off because the morning was soooo exhausting!

On the upside of the birthday thing is that since its Birthday Week, all my meals are planned until Tuesday...Although because I forget about it when I went grocery shopping I totally blew my budget cause I had to go shopping again...! arrrgh....thank goodness he picked 'dipping egg' for dinner tonight!

But... a wonderful tender mercy before I left the house this morning - My study calendar and diary arrived! So Yay! I ordered mum and I some online last week, and that is where I fell in love with Curly Girl....

This one makes me a little teary...oh...trying to let it go and live imperfectly....

Monday, February 23, 2015

Fun Times...

I appear to be in the grasp of some sort of anxiety at the moment. Which is why I am writing, hoping that this can be some sort of therapy. When I wake up in the morning I feel so overwhelmed I want to go back to bed, and I have this heavy icky feeling deep in my stomach.

I don't know totally why I am feeling like this, I am on university holidays after all. The kids go to school and I have the whole day to myself - so yay - my house should be spotless and I should be totes relaxed....or something. 

 I know I am nervous about going back to school - the holidays are so long and I forget how to study. This is on top of already feeling like I can barely handle my children now - (and other grown up concerns,...), how am I supposed to do it while I am back school with a full time study load?? When I think of the kids/my life I think of a tornado out of control and I am just fighting to survive.

Yes my home is clean and reasonably tidy, I make my bed everyday, I work out regularly, I get my kids to school on time, I make lunches, I bake muffins, I make dinner most nights....but the problem is, afterwards I am left feeling exhausted and I have starting drinking (1 or 2 drinks takes the edge off) almost every night to deal with the stress. Which of course is a terrible thing because that is not what good Mormon mums do...right? Cue more stress and more guilt!...

I spoke to my Naturopath mother (so ridiculously grateful for this smart woman!) and she informs me that I am self medicating with alcohol, something about my neurotransmitters, and how stress affects important brain processes. So my supplements have been adjusted so I am giving my body what is really needs instead of subbing in alcohol.

BUT - still, if this is my stress now, what about when school goes back in a week? How do I manage it????

So its almost 7am - and I didn't go back to bed. I have fiddled around with the printer because it hasn't been working lately and I REALLY wanted to print this rad FREE To Do List from Art By Jaz Higgins, a local Brisbane artist. Check out her gorgeous work here.

The first thing on my TO DO list today is : Get a new colour cartridge for my printer!!