Random Kitty.....

 

He(?) rocked up to our house last night....a pretty mean feat considering will are living in the bush and about 600metres (at least) from the nearest road. The kids are obsessed...Amelie is trying to build it a bed and Jack is out there trying to playing with it every time I turn my back....

I think its our neighbours cat.

=

What Is It About A Good Hair Colour.....

and its ability to make you feel super sexy instantly???

This is my colour of choice..."Deep Reddish Brown"  - it gives me a nice dark colour without making me look like a complete goth. :)

 

Suigeneris Speaks....By Definition

This is how I see SuiGeNeRiS (source: I can't remember, its not mine!) - the transformation

It may be a little delayed...but I just wanted to explain further the general focus of this blog. I wanted it to be something that was public, that anyone, anywhere could read - so I decided to make it solely about my thoughts, feelings and opinions and not so much about my children...kind of the way "Everybody Loves Raymond" is about their marriage and the kids are around but not the centre of attention...(ps I love that show...hehe).

and

I think waaay too much...so this is my outlet. :)

Why SuiGeNeRiS?... you may (or may not...) have wondered. SuiGeNeRiS is one of the main characters in my ex husbands story. Her name is actually SaRaNa, but when she enters another world - she becomes SuiGeNeRiS - Both a literal and figurative transformation (I will be brief since this is not my story). SaRaNa is shy, insecure and unsure of herself (pretty much me, most of my life) and SuiGeNeRiS (by definition means "unique") is purposeful, confident etc etc....I had SuiGeNeRiS (Sue-jen-air-is) engraved on my wedding ring - and I always had her "transformation" as a personal goal of self development. (Ummm does that sound weird??) Well, I never felt that I would get there, or be worthy of such a character - so in my mind I have still been SaRaNa...

until now. 

It took a number of things to change my mindset - having the courage to say 'enough' and walk out of a damaging marriage, accepting that it is going to be me and the kids indefinitely and having to plan accordingly (ie going back to university) , and discovering "myself" all over again. In doing so I realised that being SuiGeNeRiS isn't being the perfect woman like I always thought it was....

It is....standing firm in knowing who I am, what I believe in and what I want out of life (for myself and my children)..... I have found that in this personal knowledge there is unlimited power. And when we are powerful we can do anything and we are the heroines in our own story. 

Soooo.....enjoy! 

Patience Is A Virture.....

 

Seek patience

and passion

in equal amounts.

 

Patience alone

will not build the temple.

 

Passion alone

will destroy its walls.

 

~ Maya Angelou ~

 

* * * * 

I have passion in spades...but patience....ahhh not so much. So this is my focus for the next 6 months - to enjoy the journey and to not be in such a hurry (I am always in a hurry). For I know life will pass me by, my children will grow too fast and I will miss out on all those little precious moments.....

My Dilemma......

 

Jordan and Tatiana - Top WCS dancers in US

One of my favourite quotes is from Sister Act 2:

"If you wake up in the morning, and you can't think anything but singing, then you should be a singer, girl"

 Dilemma: that is exactly how I feel about dancing....I have ever since I can remember....

I never wanted to make dancing my career - because I didn't want to be judged by it....I didn't want to feel pressure that my body wasn't good enough or that I wasn't good enough....I dance for the pure love of it, whether people watch me or not.  Then I also love performing - I could do a routine in front of loads of people and feel absolutely ecstatic! (Really!) When I dance its pretty much one of the few times I feel completely confident and entirely myself.

While I was married and having children I locked away my passion for dancing - except for random episodes around the house....putting the fulfilling of my husbands dreams, and the taking care of my children first.  Unfortunately with no one to support my dreams - I had nothing left for myself. It emotionally deadened me....I withdrew and I just switched it all off...I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything if I didn't want anything for myself.

Now that I am divorced, I have rediscovered my passion for dancing all over again - and finally found a style of dancing I adore....dilemma: I have a family to raise by myself, an education to get and I am on the verge of losing my license. (The license thing, due trying to juggle everything and doing too much speeding around - without the children with me).

I really don't know what to do!


Why would I be given such a talent without the means to use it?

Why did I stumble across this amazing style of dancing now (last 7 months) if I am unable to do it? (These particular styles, Modern Jive and West Coast Swing gives me, for once in my life, the opportunity to progress, to perform, and to compete, with no age limit or body image pressures - and I am actually really good at it!!)

...and now I just feel addicted, as if I just have to take as much as I can get because I know its not going to last.....I won't be living with my family much longer (no more babysitters or the spare money to go dancing)....its consuming and depressing....I know I have a family and I don't resent my children at all...

Soooo....do I just suck it up and put it all on the back burner?? Is that what it means to be a mother???

I don't want to reach 45 and start wigging out like so many mothers do because they have sacrificed too much...Hmmmm 

Its giving me a lot to think about - everything happens for a reason -(in my opinion) so where is the why? in this context? 

* * * * 

23rd Feb 2010 - update

 

Ok, so I am greedy.....and I want it all (a friend enlightened me to that fact the other day - thanks Michael).... I have been thinking about this all week, and I have come to this conclusion - I am extremely lucky be able to dance, and to have something that I love to do....and especially lucky to have the ability to do it at all with three young children. Two years ago I would have given anything to be able to dance one night a fortnight, if that! So I am grateful for the opportunity I have had in the last seven months to get a bit hardcore into dancing - but reality is begging my attention. Least I know now, whenever I get a free moment Modern Jive and West Coast Swing will always be there. Thank goodness!

 

But for the record.....even if I have to wait until I am 40+  - I will satisfy one of my life's ambitions and I will do competitions. :)

To Set The Record Straight.....

 

My t-shirt says "Juice" and not AC/DC (I have been asked a lot!).....its not that I have anything against them, but I don't want to profess false fandom :)

PS My hair is crazy due to just getting home from a couple of hours of dancing!

PPS I swear I don't look that white in real life....ugh!

Boys....Who Needs 'Em? ;)

 Yay for those that are there when I need them and who let me be me! xxx

Being a divorced single mum isn't exactly where I want to stay....I do want to be married again....just not now. For the first time in my life, I don't care if anyone loves me, or wants me....frankly it would be much easier if they didn't.

Quite possibly a troubled ex-husband, my parents currently rocky marriage, and some disappointing male interludes has scared me off relationships for the moment - but that is ok with me! I am happy being with my children and I am happy being with myself. Don't get me wrong, I am all for spending time with men and making new friends, in the tiny sliver of time I have...and honestly, I would rather be dancing!....But after nearly 7 years of sacrificing for someone else its time for me.

Eventful Days....The Good and Not So Good....

The pallbearers - My brothers and cousins....

 

My favourite picture

Babushka and her sister

Two of my brothers and their girlfriends

The funeral.....the second funeral I have ever been to but the first family funeral for me. I balled my eyes out but I loved it.....I loved being together with my extended family and celebrating the memory of Dedushka.

* * * * *

Case Of The Ex.....The children's father came up for an unexpected visit....I hadn't seen him since that day...he went to lock up and I packed a suitcase and left - its been almost two years. I was terrified the whole time I knew he was coming, having  random mini panic attacks. Its amazing how different my circumstances are now and yet the same emotional triggers can cause me to fear.

Long story short - I am too nice still......and it cost me. :( It appears some people never change no matter how many chances they get. But the kids did get to see their Dad and their time with him was uneventful...thank goodness...

It has been such a stressful week with curve balls flying at me from every direction.....thus far I have survived and I am still sane! (I think) Ash's birthday could have been better, but I think he had a good day. I am feeling like such a  "bad" mum tho...grumpy, stressed and totally stuck in my own bubble trying to cope...I do love you...I am sorry guys! 

"Refiner's fire" much.....*sigh*

 

Sunday Musing....

I have to say that I am starting to love afternoon church.....

I can stay in bed just a little longer (7am if I am really lucky! lol),

I find it easier to stay focused on the Sabbath,

I am far more chilled out and organised......cause I have four hours to get ready! (granted the last hour seems to be crazy no matter what!)


Easier to fast

* * *

I have a calling.....Yay! A very exciting event for me - A) because my last calling was class president in Laurels (11 years ago), due to some super awesome life choices (ps note sarcasm....) and

B)  Its come at just the right time - making it back to church is one thing, but finding the drive to stay there is certainly another. I was fast getting stagnant, not knowing that many people (even though it was the ward I grew up in), not feeling like I had anything to contribute....and generally battling the overwhelming feeling of "now what??"....Kinda makes me feel like my Father in Heaven is looking out for me and thinks I am too valuable to lose again.....or something. :)

I know you are dying to know.....I am now the Secretary in Primary.

Rest In Peace, Dedushka.....We Will Miss You....

 

I love this photo - I always thought it made him look like a smooth Russian Mafia guy

Dedushka died last night. He was 89.

I remember him teaching me how to play Chess (which I suck at) and Backgammon.

I remember he liked music and had a range of different instruments over the years...I especially remember his piano accordion and him teaching me how to play "Silent Night", with chords, on his organ.

I loved his beard.

 I loved that he was a thinker and enjoyed reading - something we had in common - and I really enjoyed talking to him about everything and anything. I loved hearing about Russia. It was amusing sometimes, when he would get talking about a particular subject, he would talk for ages and we wouldn't be able to get away...;)

I am glad he is at peace and that he is not suffering from disease and illness anymore.

Dedushka, We Love You and Will Miss You. xxx

Monday Night Dance Therapy....

 

My dancing shoes - I would be lost without them! 

I don't know how it happened - but Monday night dancing has become my therapy.

Its not a night I usually dance, and I don't do it often....but the times I have found myself going completely mental and I know I just NEED to dance, always seem to fall on random Mondays.

Admittedly I feel the need to dance quite often, but these urges can be very easily satisfied with my iPod and locking myself in a room. :)...

This is different - Monday night dancing - as well as the endorphins and getting lost in the music, demands my complete attention...I need to concentrate on the moves and following a lead....and for sure nothing beats the connection when your  dancing in the zone with a partner!

So....yay for healthy coping mechanisms, and living with family, so I can put the kids to bed  and get a dose of thearpy :).....What do you do???