Friday, February 19, 2010

My Dilemma......

Jordan and Tatiana - Top WCS dancers in US

One of my favourite quotes is from Sister Act 2:

"If you wake up in the morning, and you can't think anything but singing, then you should be a singer, girl"

 Dilemma: that is exactly how I feel about dancing....I have ever since I can remember....

I never wanted to make dancing my career - because I didn't want to be judged by it....I didn't want to feel pressure that my body wasn't good enough or that I wasn't good enough....I dance for the pure love of it, whether people watch me or not.  Then I also love performing - I could do a routine in front of loads of people and feel absolutely ecstatic! (Really!) When I dance its pretty much one of the few times I feel completely confident and entirely myself.

While I was married and having children I locked away my passion for dancing - except for random episodes around the house....putting the fulfilling of my husbands dreams, and the taking care of my children first.  Unfortunately with no one to support my dreams - I had nothing left for myself. It emotionally deadened me....I withdrew and I just switched it all off...I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything if I didn't want anything for myself.

Now that I am divorced, I have rediscovered my passion for dancing all over again - and finally found a style of dancing I adore....dilemma: I have a family to raise by myself, an education to get and I am on the verge of losing my license. (The license thing, due trying to juggle everything and doing too much speeding around - without the children with me).

I really don't know what to do!

Why would I be given such a talent without the means to use it?

Why did I stumble across this amazing style of dancing now (last 7 months) if I am unable to do it? (These particular styles, Modern Jive and West Coast Swing gives me, for once in my life, the opportunity to progress, to perform, and to compete, with no age limit or body image pressures - and I am actually really good at it!!)

...and now I just feel addicted, as if I just have to take as much as I can get because I know its not going to last.....I won't be living with my family much longer (no more babysitters or the spare money to go dancing)....its consuming and depressing....I know I have a family and I don't resent my children at all... I just suck it up and put it all on the back burner?? Is that what it means to be a mother???

I don't want to reach 45 and start wigging out like so many mothers do because they have sacrificed too much...Hmmmm 

Its giving me a lot to think about - everything happens for a reason -(in my opinion) so where is the why? in this context? 

* * * * 
23rd Feb 2010 - update
Ok, so I am greedy.....and I want it all (a friend enlightened me to that fact the other day - thanks Michael).... I have been thinking about this all week, and I have come to this conclusion - I am extremely lucky be able to dance, and to have something that I love to do....and especially lucky to have the ability to do it at all with three young children. Two years ago I would have given anything to be able to dance one night a fortnight, if that! So I am grateful for the opportunity I have had in the last seven months to get a bit hardcore into dancing - but reality is begging my attention. Least I know now, whenever I get a free moment Modern Jive and West Coast Swing will always be there. Thank goodness!
But for the record.....even if I have to wait until I am 40+  - I will satisfy one of my life's ambitions and I will do competitions. :)

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