And So It Starts....

Back at Uni and oh.my.goodness!! It's Friday of the first week and I am in the library, taking a break from, reading about the 'concepts of justice'....*snore* I would much prefer to talk about them than read about them! Mind you, there probably wouldn't be much talking, because as always I am alone at uni....*cough* loser *cough*... I try to set goals for myself to talk to people - but really....I don't think its going to happen!! There is one older woman that has been through one or two of my classes each semester and we chat...so yeah...not a total lost cause on the social front.

Still kinda losing my mind - my 7 (8 next week) year old and I are in constant battles....I am actually having trouble making myself go out and buy him a birthday present because I am so cross at him all the time...*sigh* I feel awful...I am so sick and tired of the not listening and the tantrums...Most of the time I am a drooling mess after school drop off because the morning was soooo exhausting!

On the upside of the birthday thing is that since its Birthday Week, all my meals are planned until Tuesday...Although because I forget about it when I went grocery shopping I totally blew my budget cause I had to go shopping again...! arrrgh....thank goodness he picked 'dipping egg' for dinner tonight!

But... a wonderful tender mercy before I left the house this morning - My study calendar and diary arrived! So Yay! I ordered mum and I some online last week, and that is where I fell in love with Curly Girl....

This one makes me a little teary...oh...trying to let it go and live imperfectly....

A Tender Reminder....

The last post has been hovering in my mind for days - I loathe to leave my blog on such a downer! Plus, I had to share the tender mercies that got me through the crazy week....

After I dropped the kids at school that day my step-daughter, who currently lives with us - but is hardly ever home, rocked up with her fiance for a day of hanging and getting ready for a pre-wedding photo-shoot. Yay for me, as that lovely young man is a worthy priesthood holder and I nervously asked if he would mind giving me a blessing to help me be calm. It was wonderful - and helped me remember that my Father in heaven wants me to ask for help and is eager to bless me.

Minutes later I had a my Visiting Teachers coming over, a visit they had organised earlier in the week. They were new to me, one of them I was already friendly with and had her family over to dinner before - but still in the early days of a new friendship, and the other I had never met before. I have been been blessed with awesome VT's!! So grateful for them - on top of bringing a basket of chocolates (Yay!!) I totally connected with them, and really felt like I could be myself. I was so (so so so) grateful for their visit - it helped me feel normal - instead of a total head case!

Then...

The next day while running I was listening to the Saturday morning session of this most recent General Conference. The second song was How Firm A Foundation  (click in the link!! powerful and amazing!), such an awesome song. More poignant as one night a couple of months ago I had the lyrics running through my mind the entire night as I slept. I awoke to search down the name of the hymn because I didn't know it off the top of my head. So hearing that song, right then, a midst my anxiety....I had 'a moment'. Running in the early morning sun with tears running down my cheeks.

1.How firm a foundation ye saints of the Lord,

Is laid for your faith in his excellent word;

What more can he say than to you he hath said?

You, who unto Jesus, for refuge have fled.

2.In ev'ry condition - in sickness in health,

In poverty's vale, or abounding in wealth,

At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,

As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

3.Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed!

For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand. 

7.The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes:

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never - no, never, no, never forsake!"

In that moment I knew that my God had my back! - and that as hard as it all seemed right then, I would get through it. 

My special moment....

I slogged away for the next few days, gradually understanding more and more of the topic. My group was fabulous and although I couldn't complete the full problem by myself, my contribution was solid and we submitted, with relief for all involved, with plenty of time until deadline. I would just like to say that I was not the only member in our group that was brought to tears by the baffling phenomena that is Consolidations!!

So my sob story had a Happy Ending - one that I could not neglect to share.

Exam Stress and Tender Mercies.....

Just a quick update: Slack blogging due to overload of school work...yuck!! I have finished the semester and I am now in examination period for the next 3 weeks!!

End of semester really gets to me, and actually, it pretty much starts after mid semester break - I need to protest, it is the most horrid break ever!!! Just when I start to get my academic groove on - its holidays, I have the kids home and can't study!.....So my motivation is pretty much down hill from there. the last 5 weeks is when I start skipping a few classes and have to drag myself through my homework. The feelings of wanting to quit happen in the last 2 weeks and peaks now as the exam period begins.

I was having a terrible weekend, I have a writing assignment due Wednesday and it is pretty much a culmination of all the semesters weekly hand ins and is worth 100% of my grade - no pressure! So I was freaking out because I didn't know how to start it and I couldn't think of anything else.....translated, I was pretty much doing nothing, well I lie - I read two short novels to distract myself, because all I could think of was what I was not doing - my assignment. Hate that feeling! It all came to a head yesterday in church - I just didn't want to do it anymore....who needs university anyway?? I was on the verge of tears all morning and I couldn't think of anything else.

I dragged myself to church - but I wasn't really there. Even though I was not in the mood to sing the hymns the words still stood out to me.....the opening hymn "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" pierced my heart a little and helped me remember that the Saviour was my friend - he atoned for me and not just for my sin.....my sorrow, my pain, my stress, my anxiety.....for exactly what I was feeling at that moment. I don't know what the sacrament hymn was, but the word "burden" was highlighted for me. I looked it up in the Topical Guide and opened Jeremiah 17:21 in the old Testament:

21 Thus saith the Lord; Take heed to yourselves, and bear no burden on the sabbath day, nor bring it in by the gates of Jerusalem;

By feeling like this I wasn't keeping the Sabbath - the spirit couldn't reach me at all. Not to mention that I was so distract that I had forgotten to fast at a time when I needed to most. So what use was trying to keep the Sabbath holy by not doing any study when I couldn't think of anything else??

So I prayed.....

Over and over through sacrament as I listened to the testimonies of the congregation - that Jesus Christ, through his atonement, could take away the unnecessary burden that I had placed upon myself that prevented me from doing what I knew I was capable of doing and also from feeling the spirit of the Sabbath and getting the most out of my Sunday.

I went to teach my unprepared lesson to my Primary Class - as turns out I had an extra class as well because their teacher couldn't make it....don't you love that?? But...

It was good.

 I don't how good the children thought it was - I tried to teach the principle the best I could by the scriptures in my unimaginative, unprepared way....but it was good because it helped me to forget my stress completely for those 50mins....and from then on my head was clear. I was able to enjoy my afternoon and see my upcoming task as achievable.

I am so incredibly grateful for the tender mercies of my Father in Heaven, and that He knows what I am dealing with and is willing to help me if I just put myself in a position to receive His help. I am so glad I made a good  choice and went to church when I really really didn't want to.



PS This is also part of my practice of blogging of spiritual things - it feels extremely awkward, but it's not something that I want to confine only to Sundays at church.