Long Time No See....

Hello Blog, it's the day after, the day after Christmas, and I have been thinking about  you.....I think it's time we saw each other a little more....

Its been almost a year since I have written anything - I put too much pressure on myself to Gratitude daily and I couldn't keep up, so I quit. Standard procedure.

Over the last month I have been blog writing in my head - I miss it.

No pressure this time.

2013:Gratitude

I haven't reviewed the previous year, and I haven't posted anything about our holiday or Christmas.....right now we are in post-Tasmania holiday mode, we survived, and we are chilling in Moe, Victoria with Michael's mum. I hope we are not too much trouble for her! I am really enjoying her company, and the company of cousins and family, and cooking.

Anyway....

I saw Les Miserables yesterday - I am very familiar with the musical, and I didn't want to go (but it was a girl date and Nanna hadn't been to the movies for years). I knew it would be heart wrenchingly sad, and that I would cry, a lot. IT WAS SO SAD....and I am still thinking about it. When I hear or watch stories of other peoples horrendous struggles, I feel so guilty for my life. Its not fair!! Who am I  that I get to have a comfortable life while other people suffer in situations out of their control? The flip side of this emotion is that I feel incredibly grateful - and extra mindful not to take my life for granted.

I have been feeling grateful a lot lately, scattered thoughts throughout my days. But my gratitude hasn't felt sufficient somehow. I remember telling Michael a few weeks ago, when I was feeling particularly blessed, that I wish that Heavenly Father still required us to offer physical sacrifices to him. I felt like I needed a tangible offering of my gratitude.

So when someone put the question out there on Facebook, asking what new years resolutions others had....it came to me - this year I would focus on gratitude.

365 Days of Gratitude 

Free.....

I had to take a moment, I wanted to share this feeling before I lost it.....I have been listening to this song over and over this morning and it has my heart exploding with gratitude....



Unfortunately I couldn't find a live version, so you will just have to use your imagination, cause  nothing beats John Legend at a piano.....

I am so very grateful for my freedom - 
To live in a free country where I can live how I choose,
To be free from poverty,
from violence and harm.
To be free from the invisible chains of addiction, anger, and self loathing.
To be free to love and to speak my mind.
Today I feel blessed,
That I am free to be me.

But - 
My heart also breaks for all those that are not. For those that are forgotten and hurting. For those that are not free to express themselves, that are bound by poverty and fear.

For those that don't know the joys of what it feels like to be free.

Distance Makes The Heart Grow....

I have not seen Michael since Wednesday morning, he will be home tonight at about 9pm-ish and today is our first anniversary. I think its the longest he has been away since we have been married. The longest before that was when he went to New Zealand to pick his son up from his mission.

Surprisingly,

It's all good....(well mostly good - I need to teach him that a simple reply text to my early morning 'Happy Anniversary' one would have got a lot of husband points, instead of just returning my 4.10pm call....but anyway....working on it!)

Back to its all good, because it really is. I have missed him a lot since he has been away, but the space gave me time to notice how much I had changed since we first met. I have flourished, no doubt about it, and I know that it has been his constant love and support that has given me the confidence to stretch myself and to be more of what I know I can be. 


The thing is, I know Michael knows it, and I know he feels super chuffed that he could be that for me. I really noticed it today sitting at church - I managed to get the kids all ready for church and be early/on time, I had a lesson to teach and I wasn't freaking out! Not to mention I am about start a full on semester at Uni and study up for a tax consultancy job mid-year - and I think I can do it!


In this past year I have had more growth than I have had in the last 7 years! Don't get me wrong, I have been strengthened by the trials, the heart ache, the loneliness, the bad (really bad) decisions - it has been refining for me. And I wouldn't be right here, right now, feeling this good without them. My life or my spiritual progression over the past 3 years (for me they are synonymous - if I am in a good place spiritually all areas of my life are doing well and prospering) reminds me of parts of the allegory of the Olive Tree taught in Jacob 5 (from the Book of Mormon - learn more about it here)...It is actually about the scattering and gathering of Israel.


Jacob 5
verse 65
And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard.


verse 73
And there began to be the natural fruit again in the vineyard; and the natural branches began to grow and thrive exceedingly; and the wild branches began to be plucked off and to be cast away; and they did keep the root and the top thereof equal, according to the strength thereof. (italics added)


There was a time about 2 years ago when I was trying to rapidly progress with coming back to church, (I think it had to do with a boy *sigh* - Side bar: Ladies/Gents, do not let anyone rush you to be what you are not ready to be!! If they will not love you for who you are and where you are at - let them go!!) but still was not ready to let go of other parts of my lifestyle - needless to say I crashed and burned. Although it was hugely discouraging, the truth was...I just wasn't ready. 


Now is different though - I do feel like my progress is equal according to my strength and I appreciate and love Michael immensely for sticking by me and letting me be me, taking my life at my own pace, and loving me all the while. 


In my own funny, distracted way - this is my Valentine's/Anniversary gift to him - ME....evidence of the strength, beauty and goodness of our union.

Be Mine????

The Hard Things, And A Not-So-Good Day....

Yesterday didn't start off too well....My very-almost 9 year old was having a friend sleep over for his birthday and I was super cranky because the play room and the children's room were a mess and I was sick of cleaning up after them....bla bla bla....and the husband and I had had a 'conversation' about our finances which didn't do anything to improve my mood. I was quite possibly hormonal to add to it - so as you can see, the outlook for a productive day was pretty grim.

I was taking my 21 yo step-daughter to the airport and dropped the kids pretty early (8.05am) to school on the way. (I like to give them little opportunities for independence and responsibility - the older two were to look after the 5 year old and take him to class.)


I was trying to mentally motivate myself all the way to the airport, whilst having a mini bonding experience with B, which was pretty cool. (She has recently moved back in to our place - and its good to have her back...)

I wasn't getting anywhere with the motivating so I called Mum who was holidaying with Dad down the road, hoping for some sort of distraction to delay my day. They already had plans and I was welcome to tag a long but I declined and then proceeded to sob it out in the car. As I was heading home (after some calls to Michael - men can be so insensitive sometimes!! - and more sobbing), I heard the traffic was bad on the highway so I made a detour which lead me straight past Babushka's house. She is 87 and awesome, and there was no way I could drive by without stopping for a visit regardless of how average I was feeling. She was really happy to see me and promptly offered me food. After 2 piroshki (mince filled bread pocket things) and some jarlsberg cheese (is there anything better?) I was feeling loads better emotionally, though still a bit queasy from all the stress.

We chatted about sewing and the bean bag I wanted to make, she took me into her sewing room to go through her materials to find a suitable fabric. Babushka's sewing room is brilliant! We settled on a roll of cream curtain material with red/pink flowers on it (to match my red cushions and dusty pinkish-brown leather couch. I then mentioned my struggles with trying to figure out how to fix my couch - the underneath of the middle seat was ripped and it had become a sink hole. I wanted to stitch it but I didn't have any thread strong enough and I was concerned I would need an upholstery needle. We talked, she found me some thread and gave me tips on sewing through the leather with a normal needle.


I had found my motivation!!


After the short visit my spirits were lifted considerably and I was all pumped to fix my couch. However, on the way home I was so incredibly sleepy that it was almost dangerous - so I fell into bed on my return. After 15minutes, which felt like a blink, I got a call from Master very-almost nine's school saying he wasn't feeling well and wanted to come home. I had my reservations - he had had a late night (we went swimming and had dinner with Mum and Dad) but how can you argue when your child has gone to sick bay and the school calls you?? So I went to pick him up - then I was doing my couch.

And I did.


And it feels awesomely normal to sit on.


It took me two hours of stitching and pricking myself.


But I did it!


I didn't get a whole lot of anything else done except a brief tidy, some grocery shopping and dinner (home made pizza at the birthday boys request) - but the satisfaction of a long-put-off-job completed will last me, at least, the whole weekend!


Which leads me to a bit of a side track - why do I/we leave things to the very last minute? To the point that the said task because so urgent that there is not other choice but to do it? I could have fixed the couch ages ago when the rip wasn't even half as bad as when I fixed it (did I mention I fixed the couch???)

I also did my Brazil Butt Lift this morning after a long while of not doing it because the DVD died - easily remedied with Michael's AV receiver. I don't know why I stopped, especially since I got results! Why did I have to wait until my butt became unbearable (to me), to start again??

So many questions!

But the point is - I found my motivation, and beat that not-so-good day - and fixed my couch!


It feels good.

Enjoying It....

I have been doing a lot of blog reading these holidays (Blogs are the new holiday novels for me - the reality TV version, maybe...but far more quality viewing most definitely). One blog in particular, 'CJane , Enjoy It' - Its taking me ages because I decided to read her blog from the beginning. The thing I like about blogs - the honest ones - is that there is no agenda. Its a journey you take as a reader and you gain your own insights from someone else's life experiences....it always reminds me of a saying I heard from a John Bytheway tape back when I was a teenager (note to parents, and to my future self: Teenagers Do Listen). It was a twist on a Chinese Proverb..."A wise man learns from experience, a super wise man learns from others experiences." 

CJane is a writer and began her blog writing about being infertile and enjoying it. In the course of 5 years (I am only up to 2010) she wrote about accepting her infertility, then she became pregnant and wrote about that, and then her baby and experience with motherhood. Then her sister and brother-in-law were in a serious plane crash and she looked after their three children for six months (along with her super supportive family) while they recovered - and wrote about that. Then she got pregnant again....(anyway, you get the picture). Sprinkle that with humour, spirituality, body/food issues, a stud of a husband, a touch sarcasm and a delightful dose of humble narcissism and you have a brilliant blog....and the reason why I have had to be dragged out of the house for the last month and have been having bizarre dreams about a person I don't even know. (Not weird at all!)

So anyway, you have the background. Yesterday I read this post about how there is seasons in our lives for everything and she was in a her season for babies. That she just really needed be there, enjoy it and forget about the rest, for the moment. It got me thinking about my season for babies....and I got a little angry.

I thought about how my (then) husband over shadowed my life with his needs, his discontent, his anger, his mental issues, his art, his music, his life - so much so, that it over shadowed my season of babies. I thought about how unfair it was that I spent my pregnancies, my labours,my baby time.... stressing, and dealing with somebody else problems. Often it felt like I had one extra toddler instead of a husband to support me. Of course I loved him, which was why I spent those years completely torn between my children and my husband, and losing all sense of myself - in addition to severely hampering my ability to enjoy that precious time of my life and the life of my children. Instead I spent those years simply surviving and hoping that my babies would get enough from me, that they would turn out ok. 

Don't get me wrong I had parts to play in that time being how it was, I can't put all the blame on him. (Unfortunately!) It's because of this that I sometimes wish for that time back, and sometimes that wish turns into wanting another baby. But I know that it is only for wanting to have that season again - and hoping to do it better a second time around and to have the chance to enjoy it more. I am pretty certain my time is over though, and that saddens me, because although I made the choice I wasn't ready for it....and I have yet to make peace with the wanting. This is compounded by the fact that my youngest starts school next week - and its hurting. 

I chose to marry somebody who physically couldn't have anymore children (although if I desperately wanted it, I know he would find a way)and I knowingly moved on to the next phase in my life. With the help of a blog (thank you CJane!), I have made the decision this year to really enjoy my season of life - of older children, university, nurturing my talents and serving others - in particular my family, I have no excuses this time - they should be getting all of me. 

I choose to enjoy it!

A Conversation About Conversations.....

Fun fact bout me, I love my local ABC radio station....more specifically I am seriously into the  "Conversations" with Richard Fidler program....

"On any given day Conversations with Richard Fidler might take you from a remote Chinese village, to inside the cockpit of a space shuttle, to a family home in the middle of a warzone, to a hospital on the side of an African volcano, to the mysteries of the human brain, or to the pitch of the MCG. Conversations with Richard Fidler is funny, provocative and often deeply moving."

Incredibly fascinating, you must check it out! I download the podcasts, and excellently I am currently listening to 'conversations from early 2010 - which means, I have 100's more get through....awwwwesome! :)

I quite often listen to them while I am doing the domestic goddess thing - cleaning, cooking, hanging out washing etc, but also while I run.....it feels amazing being intellectually stimulated/inspired at the same time as physically challenging my body (listening to General Conference talks is also most excellent on long runs)

Anyway I have found one of late particularly inspiring - a conversation with Elif Batuman, author of the books "The Possessed: Adventures With Russian Books And The People Who Read Them". This was particularly  interesting for me because, being part Russian (through my mum's side, her parents immigrated to Australia at the end of World War II), I have never read a Russian novel! Whaaat?! Even more shameful is that fact that I was named after a character in "War and Peace" and I have no idea what it is about or who wrote it. I did own a Dostoyevsky novel a few years, a nice hard cover version, but I again didn't read it and no longer have it! *sigh* 

SO....with three weeks to go until an epically long university holiday, I have set two goals for myself - One I will read no less than 5 Russian novels - starting with, of course, 'War and Peace'. Secondly, I want to start learning Russian again - I did one semester when I attended university the first time when I was 17...it was awesome, and hard and I hardly remember anything!....and as I sit here totally overwhelmed and inspired by all things Russian - I want to host a Russian Christmas (January 7th) at my house this year - yes!!! That means lots of Russian cooking and craft as well for the holidays - no, no - I am not obsessive at all!! Hahaha.....its going to be wonderful! :) 

Now I would like to slightly veer of topic for a moment, in Elif's conversation she also made reference to the fact that most Russians are not very smiley. (I was also inspired on the topic of genetic characteristics by this conversation with Joe Bageant) It got me wondering what parts of my character are genetically inherited from my Russian background.....hmmm anyway, its all rather interesting, genetic culture -I may delve into this more at another time.

Matryoshka Dolls.....
I want some for my birthday!!! :) I used to own a cute set, but my children loved them so  much when they were babies they destroyed them!

Cue my Russian obsession! :) 

I Am Still Here!!!....

Its been ages, I know.

I think the semester holidays relaxed me so much that it was extremely hard getting back into the uni study/family combination. But, I am here, if only for a moment (studying for my final mid-semester exam tomorrow), and I wanted to give an update.

My life has been consumed with the usual family/study/dancing/cooking/cleaning - and although my head has been filled with 'blog thoughts' none actually made it on here. Sorry :) Michael and I had our 6 month anniversary a few weeks ago, we didn't do anything to celebrate (that I can remember!) but it was just nice to take a pause and bask the awesomeness of our life together.....I am so happy with him, it is all quite brilliant! I could go on, but I won't ;)

I have also been doing a little more dancing thanks to Raw Connection's 2 for 1 weekly class deal. Loved it! Although it really makes a different adding one extra night of dancing to my life - I was a little wrecked and not getting enough done - especially on the study front. So now I have had to take a couple of weeks break to study for these exams. I am definitely looking forward to dancing again next week though! :) Raw Con have also started up a half hour open DJ session before class - so for a week I was stuck in the late 90s, going through my CD collection and putting an old school R&B/rap playlist together. Super fun! This week I will be putting together some funky/smooth soul tracks for the gold coast class. I think some of this will go down nicely. :)

My Butt Lift challenge is still going - and its been great! I have increased my leg weights and my resistance band. (Is my butt higher? Looker nicer?? I think so, or at least Husband thinks it is! :) This past month has been off, however, due to busy life-ness....I am hoping my weight work at the gym will keep the strength up until I get back into it. It does feel great to set yourself goals and actually see results! Yay!

Speaking of goals, my goal for attending the temple this year is going well - even better than well, I didn't expect it to come about so fast. I admit, that freaked me out a little! (ok alot, it freaked me out alot!) I expected when I told Bishop I was feeling ready to get serious about my preparation it would be at least 3-4 months away. But no, he put me in the temple preparation class that was to start in a few weeks. I had my first lesson earlier this week. It was intense and brilliant! I have had a couple of challenges already just getting that started - the exciting thing is that challenges proceed blessings....I definitely have to keep reminding myself!

So yeah, that is some of me these past 6 weeks....gotta get back into more regular blogging after exams.

Lesson Learned.....???

Things have not gone my way this week/end and I am not dealing well at all. I put my neck out earlier in the week....I was good to myself, I rested, I heat packed, I got acupuncture, my whole little family was praying for my recovery....I had faith that it would all work out in time.

It didn't.

Well, actually Thursday night was great, I was healing wonderfully and everything was still going as planned. I tried to get up at 5.30am Friday morning - something went, and I was in agony....I could barely move and it was excruciating just to sit up.In that moment, it was over - No Ball, no routine....and I cried. Both for the pain I was in, and in disappointment. Disappointment that all my plans were over and that I was letting my dance partner down....especially that - I hated having to make the call. I cried on and off all day. Yay.

It wasn't just going to a Stake Ball either - there will be plenty more this year all over Brisbane.....It was just a chance for me to be in a social environment with people that I had been going to church with over the past six months - they really don't know anything about me....and they would have got to see me dance with Michael. That sounds really selfish - but its not that I think I am awesome, I just wanted to share something I am totally passionate about.

So anyway - as I said, I am not dealing well  - I hate not being able to do things that need doing, I can't just neglect that house, I still have to feed the kids and be a mum.....In saying that, Michael has been wonderful. He took that day off to drive me to all my appointments and to run the errands I needed to do and as I type this he has made pancakes for the kids and is folding my massive mound of washing - he would probably do a lot more if I let him. :)

One thing I have learned, is that I have a tendency to be a whinging b*tch with things aren't going as I have planned. I am terrible, I get angry and irritable at everything. Its not a very pretty personal revelation. *sigh*

As a sit here, packing heat, trying to ignore the filthy floors and to hold my tongue (after already apologising for my snapping at people....again).....I am wondering why? What can I learn from this?.....What does this show me about myself? (aside from the obvious ;) - and its this moment, I am grateful - for the trial, for the pain, for the opportunity my husband has to serve me, and for being forced to stop and acknowledge that as much as I think I can, I can't control everything....and thats ok - its here that I have to learn to roll with the punches, take a break and jump right in again when I am ready.

I Got The Number....

I have loved music and dancing ever since I can remember. I have had the chance to perform in various dance styles - but more than anything I wanted to compete. I like the challenge, I like to have something to aim for. I used to envy the kids at ballroom dancing that were having private lessons for competition....I wanted a dance partner but it was really hard to find a guy that matched my height. I remember watching the Ballroom Championships at Christmas and wanting to dance with a number on my back - I couldn't imagine anything more awesome (well, next to being a back up dancer for Janet Jackson ;).

Last year I got my chance.....

My first West Coast Swing Jack and Jill (dance with a stranger) Competition - it was AMAZING! It probably took about half an hour for my heart to stop racing afterwards...haha

Ever since then I have just wanted to get better and better. Cause frankly, at some point I want to win. It is a little frustrating that I can't put as much work into my dancing as I used to be able to, but I am super grateful for the chance to do any at all!

I had my third competition this past weekend - and guess what??

This girl made finals!!! Out of three heats I made the top 8 - it was definitely a shock (after checking the results, I pretty much just scraped in - hey, I still made it though!)....I was having a terrible night of social dancing...I don't know why, I just couldn't find my flow or get a decent connection with anyone or the music and I almost didn't put my number back on.

Heats - I am at the back in black - this is the guy I danced the best with....

(argh, doing that stupid neck forward thing, so hard to change :s)

I danced with a guy from my class for the final - which would have been cool, except we hardly ever dance together! (not sure why though....)  So it wasn't the best of dances, but we had some good moments. Will have to try and dance with him more....

Oh yeah....and I danced with Michael Kielbasa last night......it was fabulous! He is sooo excellent! 

Rainbows Rock!....

The kids came running inside a few weeks ago after a big lot of rain yelling "Mum, come quick.....a RAINBOW!"

I brought my camera out and took a photo....I love rainbows, they are an amazing phenomenon to me. No matter how bad things are, in the world or in my own life, every time I see a rainbow I am comforted. It is a reminder me that there is a bigger picture, and that this all has a purpose. I imagine that Heavenly Father is saying,

"Don't worry guys, I know it seems pretty bad right now but.....I got this."

New Years Resolutioning....

I never specifically plan to make resolutions in the new year, but they just seem to happen.....fresh starts are so enticing and exciting!

I feel very blessed to have a lot of "new beginnings" in the next couple of months - new house, getting married, new university, new gym, going to back to work - change is definitely as good as a holiday! It was thinking about all these changes, and what wonderful opportunities they were (and an awesome Relief Society lesson - love my new ward!) that sparked my list of goals for the year.

This year I will have two focuses to center my goals around "Balance" and "Action" and this talk on "Keeping Lifes Demands In Balance" by M. Russell Ballard has been my inspiration - read it HERE - its awesome, I promise!

My 2011 goals:

1. Be prepared

2. Be early

3. Attend the temple

4. Nurture my families spirituality

5. Eat clean

6. Train and run a half marathon

7. Follow the "5 Laws of Gold" (in "The Richest Man In Babylon" - you HAVE to read this book! The simplest and best financial advice for getting out of debt and accumulating wealth....and so easy to read!)

8. Compete in the Australian Open West Coast Swing Dance Championships in October

9. Start a vegetable garden/food storage

10. Get a part time job in accounting 

11. Do well in my studies

12. Less Facebook....more more MORE blogging!

Looking forward to all the challenges, growth and success of the new year!!!

There Is No Going Back Now.....

Believe me I tried.....M said 'no' and that I needed to do this. Thank you for being awesome and not giving me a way out - and especially thank you for staying my friend...even if you did make me sit in the backseat! ;)

I have to admit I did have my own little miracle yesterday morning after balling (again) in the bathroom and feeling like I  really couldn't take it anymore -  I got a msg from a friend (its a little bit of a rare occurrence, so...wow)  who I had been wanting to catch up with for ages and was available to come and visit that day...exactly what I needed! Having a big talk and eating loads of brownies (me) really helped. Note: recipe for surviving the initial brutality of heart ache - brownies/chocolate, supportive friends and exercise, for endorphins (but also to counteract the brownies!), and a dash of distraction - thank goodness for children and their need to be looked after!

I definitely will not have letting go of such an amazing man (you have no idea!) be for nothing - so my focus for 2011, and starting from now, is to get to the temple. No looking back, no distractions - its on!

So...

I need a game plan - just general "say you prayers, read your scriptures" doesn't really cut it with me - I need specifics....Is there anything I can read/do that will be super helpful initially? I will discuss (and reconcile - since I have been kind of angry...oops) with Bishop, but any advice is most welcome....I cannot allow my life to linger on the fence any longer (try 10 years...ugh), its honestly excruciating!

This all may seem a little revealing (and rather bizarre to all my non latter day saint friends and family), but to me this is what blogging is all about - sharing and learning from each others experiences....warts and all!

What's Inspiring Me At The Moment.....

The Clean and Lean Diet.....

Its brilliant - Its not a book I would have picked up on my own. I owe it all to Mum and her massive 'mind body soul' book addiction. (Her collection is seriously huge!) After hearing her dropping random tidbits of info from her reading and changing her exercise plan I got a little curious.

Exercise wise it promotes leanness - not excess muscle, and  no slogging it out at the gym or on the treadmill....but regular (3 times a week) light weight sessions super easy to do at home. Coupled with whatever exercise you like to do, that doesn't stress your body out (I am cutting back my running) and a bit of yoga. The sessions definitely get your heart rate up and feel so good (you will look HOT! - I promise) and are in four stages (with the first one being weight free), so you can work your way up. I am doing the second at the moment - and have been for about a month (?) I haven't been doing them as regular as I want, but I am getting there.

The 'diet' (not really a diet, but a way of eating all the time) - cutting out Caffeine, Refined sugar, Alcohol and Processed foods....C.R.A.P :) with an emphasis on organic food, antioxidants, and good fats. It makes sense and is rather hard, but your body will love you for it!! (Note: sugar is soooooo baaaad!) Bizarrely, but maybe not so bizarrely, it points out how important it is to chew you food completely - as that is how you get your nutrients and you will notice the difference, especially in your stomach. I eat so fast normally, and I have to keep reminded myself to focus and slow down.

Anyway, Its super brilliant and I just wanted to share it with everyone!!! Check out this link here....it talks about the book and has a clip of James Duigan showing the right technique for some awesome fat burning/toning exercises (squats, push ups, lunges etc).


Check.It.Out if you want to look good, have loads of energy, be really healthy and feel great!