And So It Starts....

Back at Uni and oh.my.goodness!! It's Friday of the first week and I am in the library, taking a break from, reading about the 'concepts of justice'....*snore* I would much prefer to talk about them than read about them! Mind you, there probably wouldn't be much talking, because as always I am alone at uni....*cough* loser *cough*... I try to set goals for myself to talk to people - but really....I don't think its going to happen!! There is one older woman that has been through one or two of my classes each semester and we chat...so yeah...not a total lost cause on the social front.

Still kinda losing my mind - my 7 (8 next week) year old and I are in constant battles....I am actually having trouble making myself go out and buy him a birthday present because I am so cross at him all the time...*sigh* I feel awful...I am so sick and tired of the not listening and the tantrums...Most of the time I am a drooling mess after school drop off because the morning was soooo exhausting!

On the upside of the birthday thing is that since its Birthday Week, all my meals are planned until Tuesday...Although because I forget about it when I went grocery shopping I totally blew my budget cause I had to go shopping again...! arrrgh....thank goodness he picked 'dipping egg' for dinner tonight!

But... a wonderful tender mercy before I left the house this morning - My study calendar and diary arrived! So Yay! I ordered mum and I some online last week, and that is where I fell in love with Curly Girl....

This one makes me a little teary...oh...trying to let it go and live imperfectly....

Fun Times...

I appear to be in the grasp of some sort of anxiety at the moment. Which is why I am writing, hoping that this can be some sort of therapy. When I wake up in the morning I feel so overwhelmed I want to go back to bed, and I have this heavy icky feeling deep in my stomach.

I don't know totally why I am feeling like this, I am on university holidays after all. The kids go to school and I have the whole day to myself - so yay - my house should be spotless and I should be totes relaxed....or something. 

 I know I am nervous about going back to school - the holidays are so long and I forget how to study. This is on top of already feeling like I can barely handle my children now - (and other grown up concerns,...), how am I supposed to do it while I am back school with a full time study load?? When I think of the kids/my life I think of a tornado out of control and I am just fighting to survive.

Yes my home is clean and reasonably tidy, I make my bed everyday, I work out regularly, I get my kids to school on time, I make lunches, I bake muffins, I make dinner most nights....but the problem is, afterwards I am left feeling exhausted and I have starting drinking (1 or 2 drinks takes the edge off) almost every night to deal with the stress. Which of course is a terrible thing because that is not what good Mormon mums do...right? Cue more stress and more guilt!...

I spoke to my Naturopath mother (so ridiculously grateful for this smart woman!) and she informs me that I am self medicating with alcohol, something about my neurotransmitters, and how stress affects important brain processes. So my supplements have been adjusted so I am giving my body what is really needs instead of subbing in alcohol.

BUT - still, if this is my stress now, what about when school goes back in a week? How do I manage it????

So its almost 7am - and I didn't go back to bed. I have fiddled around with the printer because it hasn't been working lately and I REALLY wanted to print this rad FREE To Do List from Art By Jaz Higgins, a local Brisbane artist. Check out her gorgeous work here.

The first thing on my TO DO list today is : Get a new colour cartridge for my printer!!

Mother's Day.....

I am exhausted and my eyes are sore from crying (for hours!)....my Mother's Day this year equated to a major melt down on my behalf *sigh*....A culmination of a lot of things, iced off with the fact that I really don't think my kids got the memo about Mother's Day...

But in looking back on my day I guess that is what it means to be a mother - going from the extreme of feeling like a complete failure and wanting to put the kids on a plane to live with their dad (this lasted for 2 hours :( ), to watching my 3 year old sleep in my arms at church and thinking how cute he is, Ash getting me a present all by himself from the Mother's Day stall that I really like (the kind of clips I wear), Amelie making me a beautiful card at church, and her kindness in getting all the girls in the house a present, Jack helping me cook and eating all the chocolate, getting emotional flipmode on my mum (I feel awful about that...), giving my man a chance to be there for me (I am so grateful, he is amazing) and having him at a family dinner, watching him play card games with Ash (okay, I got a little warm and fuzzy over that, and yes Jess, he is DEFINITELY a keeper!), having Ash give me a big hug and seeing that my kids love me more than anything, even when I am a less than perfect mum they still think I am the best.....and the "goodnight mummy, we love you" kisses from all of them....

I wouldn't trade it for the world.....Happy Mother's Day beautiful ladies!! xx

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A special shout out to Grandma Berice for being the best Great Grandmother EVER!! For entertaining the children's crazy whims, for letting them get 'creative' constantly, for allowing the early morning visits and making them super special, and for watching "Thomas" over and over (for that is truly an amazing feat).....I am so grateful for the influence that she is in their lives and feel amazingly blessed that they get the same Grandma I had when I was their age....I love you Grandma!!! xx