Tuesday, December 26, 2017



 I feel like I have woken up from a deep sleep...at least I hope I have. You know in movies where someone wakes up, at least they think they do, but then realises it is just a dream within a dream?Yeah, crossing everything its not that!

I have been feeling varying levels of rubbish for the last two and a half years. I wrote about it in my last post, and it all seems to have began around here. I felt like I was slowly, slowly drowning in thick mud and there was nothing I could do, save from using all my energy to stop from going fully under. I didn't love the things I used to love *church, dancing, running, baking/cooking, blogging...you know...living*...and I couldn't find anything to replace them. I felt deeply heavy. I was stressed, angry and I just couldn't be bothered. I couldn't write because I felt so ashamed with how I was feeling. I was scared of being judged. I couldn't open myself to that. So I isolated myself at home. I absolutely felt I had little control over the spiral downwards.

It seemed to all come to a head this last 6 months when my physical health started to fail. Getting intensely sick over winter, the weird arthritis in my knee *it is still not any better, but I remain hopeful.* Although I had lost the desire to do the things I once loved - I now was completely unable to do some of them. You know, there is only so much crying and whingeing that you can do before you have to suck it up...hard, and just accept the situation. I have cried so much in the last 6 months - I am so bloody over it! The unknown terrifies me...and not knowing what was going on with my body or how long it would last...was awful!

I have no idea why any of this happened, although between years of prolonged stress *kids/law school/life* and some crazy stuff going on in my birth chart - Thanks Saturn in Sagittarius!! - it all makes a little more sense. *It turns out Saturn left Sagittarius on the 20th December 2017*

What has changed tho?

I kind of knew about the havoc Saturn was causing me but I wasn't really monitoring it or even really had the energy to figure out how to manage it. Last week something changed inside me, quite suddenly. I had a major assignment due, and although I was really enjoying the subject - summer school was killing me. I was really shouty, and I couldn't get into the Christmas vibe at all - my family was really suffering. I woke up last Wednesday morning filled with self loathing and a feeling of 'I am SO done with this!!!' was creeping in. I dropped my Financial Planning subject on Friday - I wanted to be more for my family for Christmas...and I needed a serious holiday!  I shopped, I baked and I cried. I really miss the person that I used to be.

Over the last couple of days I am starting to get some of those old feelings back. I have been craving a run soooo bad! I still, at the moment, cannot run with the condition my knee is in, and I have lost a lot of fitness not being able to do as much...but I can distinctly remember the feel of the road under my feet, how good it felt to push myself and have that regular personal head space,  and the absolute exhilaration I felt every time I finished a long run. I want that again! I also want to bake, to create, to blog! *to do all the things!*

There are some things that I am still not feeling though...as much as I love dancing, I don't, right now, feel like I want go back to West Coast Swing*freestyle competition was just not right for me, I pushed too hard to make it fit...and my self esteem took quite a battering* Church wise, I still feel spiritually empty - and I am not sure what I want to fill that space with yet...I guess I will just feel my way and see what resonates with me.

Source: 'The Butterfly Transformation II' - Niklas Gustafsson
This image and title seems very appropriate. This is my second transformation. The first was when I first started this blog. *Interestingly its been almost 7 years exactly since I started writing - want to read from the beginning?*

As I emerge this time, I feel 'same same, but different' -  new, delicate and curiously wonderful!

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Now What?...

I hate that my last blog post has sat there echoing awkwardly for the last couple of years. I have started a few drafts since then - but really it was more of the same. It seems I have been on a bit of a spiral downwards since the end of 2014 - I feel like I can almost pinpoint it. There was no specific event...everything just slowed down and got harder....I stopped dancing *I wasn't enjoying it anymore*, study was getting to be more of a grind, I stopped going to church regularly....Maybe I was burning out? *I have been studying since 2009* But I honestly don't really know. I am on a ton of supplements etc to manage my stress levels and to stop me getting depressed. I really hope it gets easier when I finish university!

At the moment I just feel shaken up. Like something is about to happen. I am all tumbled upside down.

I perhaps stupidly, took on a full study load this semester - I was so close to the end I thought loading up just before my final year would be a good idea. To avoid a massive amount of stress at the end. If I survive the next fortnight, I should be good. So cross everything for me....please!

For some reason, have been sick one way or the other since the end of June. I don't get sick often *at all* so it has been hard to get used to, being forced to change the way I live my life....FAST. Trying to juggle a million balls with everything falling into place, at the very last minute. My swollen leg has meant my gym time has had to change....no more Combat....for the time being. That was really hard to deal with. Its a stress release that I rely on....my one and only constant - it always makes me feel good and powerful and capable. It also helped me manage my body size - to some degree. I have had to just let go - I do upper body weights a couple of times a week but that is it. When you can't do something, you can only fight so much against reality - eventually you just have to accept it. I am lucky I didn't have a blood clot....but still....I have cried a lot this last month. I mean I don't know how long this is gonna last, and I am flat out just doing physical housework, dinner, kids etc

Then 2 days ago - my phone died. it felt like the last straw - I mean.... come on!! My phone is my life - my connection to the outside world. I completely broke down - I literally cannot handle anything else. I haven't figure out how to fix this yet - Super Stud has given me his pad for my online use. I need to get it sorted, but I also have 3 assignments to do....SOOOO....

Now I feel like I have zero fight left.... If there is anything else to come - come at me! I am adjusting and I am ok. Life is about changing, right?

Friday, May 22, 2015

I Can't Breathe....

“Sometimes I sit alone under the stars and think of the galaxies inside my heart and truly wonder if anyone will ever want to make sense of all that I am.”

- Christopher Poindexter

I am lonely. Unbearably lonely.

I have found myself talking to my 12 year old son in the car just to have someone to chat to. Its rather awkward, because he's 12, and a boy, and doesn't really care. Although since he loves me a whole lot he tries really hard to be engaged. I give him mad respect for that. My husband, Super Stud, although a total Rockstar and who does some lovely things for me in total selflessness, is not very chatty - at all - and seems to have little need for friendships.

It is common knowledge that I am rather prolific on Facebook, but in all honestly my online presence is the only social interaction I have - and even that is very one sided. I just spew my life and thoughts out in countless little posts. It is utterly depressing, and not satisfying at all. I may be quite introverted, but I crave and thrive on human connection. Why do I exist otherwise?

Truthfully, I don't have a lot of time - but anyone is welcome to dinner, to cook with me, to drink with me, hell, to be my penpal...whatever - Let's get real together.

The result is that I am internalising everything I feel and want to say and as a consequence, despite my regular Facebook word vomits and shares, I am drinking too much - alone, eating too much - alone, watching too much, in order to try to escape myself. Daily I mentally dabble with the idea of running away to a place where people really don't know me. To max out Super Stud's credit card and jump on a plane and disappear.

My kids are keeping me going each day. Keeping me HERE. They need ME, they love ME, they think I am funny and they want to hang out with me....all the time! I wish that satisfied me too, but it doesn't.

The way I feel about my depression is the way I felt about living with domestic violence - its not bad enough. Its cyclic. I have plenty of good, busy days. I don't need my head shrunk, I can cope. I can get out of bed, I feed my family, I clean, I do my homework, I exercise. The bad days don't last.

Instead it's a fight to do all the things I do and I can't breathe....

Friday, March 6, 2015

And So It Starts....

Back at Uni and oh.my.goodness!! It's Friday of the first week and I am in the library, taking a break from, reading about the 'concepts of justice'....*snore* I would much prefer to talk about them than read about them! Mind you, there probably wouldn't be much talking, because as always I am alone at uni....*cough* loser *cough*... I try to set goals for myself to talk to people - but really....I don't think its going to happen!! There is one older woman that has been through one or two of my classes each semester and we chat...so yeah...not a total lost cause on the social front.

Still kinda losing my mind - my 7 (8 next week) year old and I are in constant battles....I am actually having trouble making myself go out and buy him a birthday present because I am so cross at him all the time...*sigh* I feel awful...I am so sick and tired of the not listening and the tantrums...Most of the time I am a drooling mess after school drop off because the morning was soooo exhausting!

On the upside of the birthday thing is that since its Birthday Week, all my meals are planned until Tuesday...Although because I forget about it when I went grocery shopping I totally blew my budget cause I had to go shopping again...! arrrgh....thank goodness he picked 'dipping egg' for dinner tonight!

But... a wonderful tender mercy before I left the house this morning - My study calendar and diary arrived! So Yay! I ordered mum and I some online last week, and that is where I fell in love with Curly Girl....

This one makes me a little teary...oh...trying to let it go and live imperfectly....

Monday, February 23, 2015

Fun Times...

I appear to be in the grasp of some sort of anxiety at the moment. Which is why I am writing, hoping that this can be some sort of therapy. When I wake up in the morning I feel so overwhelmed I want to go back to bed, and I have this heavy icky feeling deep in my stomach.

I don't know totally why I am feeling like this, I am on university holidays after all. The kids go to school and I have the whole day to myself - so yay - my house should be spotless and I should be totes relaxed....or something. 

 I know I am nervous about going back to school - the holidays are so long and I forget how to study. This is on top of already feeling like I can barely handle my children now - (and other grown up concerns,...), how am I supposed to do it while I am back school with a full time study load?? When I think of the kids/my life I think of a tornado out of control and I am just fighting to survive.

Yes my home is clean and reasonably tidy, I make my bed everyday, I work out regularly, I get my kids to school on time, I make lunches, I bake muffins, I make dinner most nights....but the problem is, afterwards I am left feeling exhausted and I have starting drinking (1 or 2 drinks takes the edge off) almost every night to deal with the stress. Which of course is a terrible thing because that is not what good Mormon mums do...right? Cue more stress and more guilt!...

I spoke to my Naturopath mother (so ridiculously grateful for this smart woman!) and she informs me that I am self medicating with alcohol, something about my neurotransmitters, and how stress affects important brain processes. So my supplements have been adjusted so I am giving my body what is really needs instead of subbing in alcohol.

BUT - still, if this is my stress now, what about when school goes back in a week? How do I manage it????

So its almost 7am - and I didn't go back to bed. I have fiddled around with the printer because it hasn't been working lately and I REALLY wanted to print this rad FREE To Do List from Art By Jaz Higgins, a local Brisbane artist. Check out her gorgeous work here.

The first thing on my TO DO list today is : Get a new colour cartridge for my printer!!

Friday, August 29, 2014

A Life of Adventure....?

Do you ever wish you could vicariously live someone else's life?......

I guess that is a little bit of a stupid question - because of course! The evidence is firmly in our cultural obsession with movies, books, TV shows etc....

You see, I was having this thought lying in bed at approx 8.30am - because I didn't really feel like getting up and getting on with my day....it is a public holiday for us - The Show Holiday - although I haven't really seen much advertisement for it this year....and we are not going. But, public holidays are good, because we are all at home, without the usual Saturday or Sunday commitments...

Anyway, so I was lying it bed being a bum and quite enjoying it after a couple of 3am study sessions this week...and thinking about how it would be nice to trade my life for some adventure....However, the point is that it is now 3 hours later and I have put on and hung out washing, swept the floor, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the toilets, made my bed, chatted to the neighbour, dusted the living area, denied Amelie's request to cook in my clean kitchen, then reneged and let her cook as long as she didn't need supervision (a chocolate cake is in the oven - I can smell it now!), and had a shower and made myself presentable....oh yeah and bought tickets to Soulfest and called hubby a few times and tentatively tried to organised an early father's day celebration for tomorrow....

I don't have time to live a life of adventure!! I still have a long list of things to do  - the usual 'taking care of my family' business, including a couple of hours of law reading and an online quiz to do by midnight....so by the time I finish everything I will be totally shagged and all I will want to do is vicariously get involved in someone else's emotionally tumultuous, adventure of a life via TV or the book sitting next to my bed. 


I currently wish I had more eps of this...."Outlander"

Friday, August 22, 2014


As it turns out, I haven't blogged properly for over a year....What stopped me was feeling like I had to edit myself for the few people that actually read it, and know me socially. I felt like some of them  (definitely) wouldn't be able to identify with things that I was/am dealing with and would judge me as a being weird, self absorbed or shallow.

So I just closed myself off.

It wasn't just blogging either...over the past six months I have done it with church as well. I don't think it was about someone, but they were probably the catalyst - another woman disapproved of something that I was sharing with members of my local congregation and deemed it inappropriate.....I did not agree and I know others didn't either. But the fact that I was sharing myself and my talents, and because it had taken effort to expose that part of myself - it really burnt.

I guess it is a not so unfamiliar feeling to others - but I hate being disapproved of, my self esteem cannot handle it. So I usually just avoid situations or exposing things about myself that can warrant disapproval....

I have to admit, it is quite exhausting - for starters people disapprove of the darndest things, and there is another part of myself that just wants to be open and carefree 'this is who I am!!!' - consequently, I feel regularly torn and angry with myself.


All of these emotions are still very real to me - I still feel intensely insecure and not good enough/don't fit in for church, dancing, friends, my family (parents, brothers, step-children), my children, university - I get anxious/depressed over ridiculous things and I drink at every social opportunity (although social drinking opportunities are infrequent) because I am getting more and more socially awkward and I just want to be around people and feel relaxed and not care what others think of me!

*Sigh*.....I would love to be free to be more unashamedly real.....