I feel like I have woken up from a deep sleep...at least I hope I have. You know in movies where someone wakes up, at least they think they do, but then realises it is just a dream within a dream?Yeah, crossing everything its not that!
I have been feeling varying levels of rubbish for the last two and a half years. I wrote about it in my last post, and it all seems to have began around here. I felt like I was slowly, slowly drowning in thick mud and there was nothing I could do, save from using all my energy to stop from going fully under. I didn't love the things I used to love *church, dancing, running, baking/cooking, blogging...you know...living*...and I couldn't find anything to replace them. I felt deeply heavy. I was stressed, angry and I just couldn't be bothered. I couldn't write because I felt so ashamed with how I was feeling. I was scared of being judged. I couldn't open myself to that. So I isolated myself at home. I absolutely felt I had little control over the spiral downwards.
It seemed to all come to a head this last 6 months when my physical health started to fail. Getting intensely sick over winter, the weird arthritis in my knee *it is still not any better, but I remain hopeful.* Although I had lost the desire to do the things I once loved - I now was completely unable to do some of them. You know, there is only so much crying and whingeing that you can do before you have to suck it up...hard, and just accept the situation. I have cried so much in the last 6 months - I am so bloody over it! The unknown terrifies me...and not knowing what was going on with my body or how long it would last...was awful!
I have no idea why any of this happened, although between years of prolonged stress *kids/law school/life* and some crazy stuff going on in my birth chart - Thanks Saturn in Sagittarius!! - it all makes a little more sense. *It turns out Saturn left Sagittarius on the 20th December 2017*
What has changed tho?
I kind of knew about the havoc Saturn was causing me but I wasn't really monitoring it or even really had the energy to figure out how to manage it. Last week something changed inside me, quite suddenly. I had a major assignment due, and although I was really enjoying the subject - summer school was killing me. I was really shouty, and I couldn't get into the Christmas vibe at all - my family was really suffering. I woke up last Wednesday morning filled with self loathing and a feeling of 'I am SO done with this!!!' was creeping in. I dropped my Financial Planning subject on Friday - I wanted to be more for my family for Christmas...and I needed a serious holiday! I shopped, I baked and I cried. I really miss the person that I used to be.
Over the last couple of days I am starting to get some of those old feelings back. I have been craving a run soooo bad! I still, at the moment, cannot run with the condition my knee is in, and I have lost a lot of fitness not being able to do as much...but I can distinctly remember the feel of the road under my feet, how good it felt to push myself and have that regular personal head space, and the absolute exhilaration I felt every time I finished a long run. I want that again! I also want to bake, to create, to blog! *to do all the things!*
There are some things that I am still not feeling though...as much as I love dancing, I don't, right now, feel like I want go back to West Coast Swing. *freestyle competition was just not right for me, I pushed too hard to make it fit...and my self esteem took quite a battering* Church wise, I still feel spiritually empty - and I am not sure what I want to fill that space with yet...I guess I will just feel my way and see what resonates with me.
|Source: 'The Butterfly Transformation II' - Niklas Gustafsson|
As I emerge this time, I feel 'same same, but different' - new, delicate and curiously wonderful!