Sunday, August 27, 2017

Now What?...

I hate that my last blog post has sat there echoing awkwardly for the last couple of years. I have started a few drafts since then - but really it was more of the same. It seems I have been on a bit of a spiral downwards since the end of 2014 - I feel like I can almost pinpoint it. There was no specific event...everything just slowed down and got harder....I stopped dancing *I wasn't enjoying it anymore*, study was getting to be more of a grind, I stopped going to church regularly....Maybe I was burning out? *I have been studying since 2009* But I honestly don't really know. I am on a ton of supplements etc to manage my stress levels and to stop me getting depressed. I really hope it gets easier when I finish university!

At the moment I just feel shaken up. Like something is about to happen. I am all tumbled upside down.

I perhaps stupidly, took on a full study load this semester - I was so close to the end I thought loading up just before my final year would be a good idea. To avoid a massive amount of stress at the end. If I survive the next fortnight, I should be good. So cross everything for me....please!

For some reason, have been sick one way or the other since the end of June. I don't get sick often *at all* so it has been hard to get used to, being forced to change the way I live my life....FAST. Trying to juggle a million balls with everything falling into place, at the very last minute. My swollen leg has meant my gym time has had to change....no more Combat....for the time being. That was really hard to deal with. Its a stress release that I rely on....my one and only constant - it always makes me feel good and powerful and capable. It also helped me manage my body size - to some degree. I have had to just let go - I do upper body weights a couple of times a week but that is it. When you can't do something, you can only fight so much against reality - eventually you just have to accept it. I am lucky I didn't have a blood clot....but still....I have cried a lot this last month. I mean I don't know how long this is gonna last, and I am flat out just doing physical housework, dinner, kids etc

Then 2 days ago - my phone died. it felt like the last straw - I mean.... come on!! My phone is my life - my connection to the outside world. I completely broke down - I literally cannot handle anything else. I haven't figure out how to fix this yet - Super Stud has given me his pad for my online use. I need to get it sorted, but I also have 3 assignments to do....SOOOO....

Now I feel like I have zero fight left.... If there is anything else to come - come at me! I am adjusting and I am ok. Life is about changing, right?

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