Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Girl Interrupted....

Feeling absolutely insane at the moment - have been in tears since - almost - the moment I woke up. It is stress - something my body doesn't deal well with at all. The cause - my university subject. Slightly weird considering I totally smashed last semester with the best grades so far and 4.5 times the work load -  and now I am barely coping with this one subject.

In my defense, it is crazy hard....and trying to get my head around it, and run a household, negotiating 3 children - it's pushing me over the edge. I am finding myself in a really dark place that I never wanted to see again - let alone my husband - he doesn't know what to do except hug me and tell me he doesn't care what result I get, as long as I don't give up.

Relatively calmer now, but that is 2 Valiums later - low dose (left over from a neck injury - I loathe prescription meds).....but I didn't know what else to do. I was too mental to function, was ready to run away because I couldn't handle another day of an anxious chest, of yelling at my kids and having Michael and his daughter witness it all.

It is horrible feeling that out of control, having to resist urges to break things in frustration and  not being able to quiet my thoughts enough to even get on my knees and ask for help. I want/ed a priesthood blessing but it all seems to hard - to call my home teachers, knowing they both work and have families...and from experience, having to wait two days for it and then second guessing myself as to the urgency of it - to explain that it was important NOW and I needed help now! Times like this I curse my body, my mind - I feel trapped by it. I know what a burden it is to be around someone struggling with mental health - and I don't want to be that person.

Wishing I didn't feel so alone right now.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there!

    Breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth slowly. Let it go.

    Life is a dance, and you -will- get the steps of this new pattern.

    Put aside things that are not absolutely essential, just do the very basic version of the basics,and prioritize things that are self care, that really fill your bucket!

    Get a tutor, you can do this, you might just need the information delivered by a different teacher.

    Imagine your frustrations washing off your body and down the plug in the shower...

    Call the Temple, get yourself on the prayer roll.

    Ignore me completely if that helps more!

    You are loved, you are capable and strong, you are smart and persistent. You can do this. Just breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth, and let it go.