Why Me??

So I am finally in Tassie....and I don’t want to be here....The roads and landmarks are all tainted with horrible memories that seep into everything I look at. 

The older two kids are with their father, and I honestly don’t know if its against my better judgement or not. (oh the awfully confusing grey areas of life!!) They are staying with a couple I don’t know and I only feel somewhat at ease because they have children too and I talked to the mum and I trust her....but I have only just met her, so what do I really know!?!  The kids were very excited to see their dad – which is great for them....Meanwhile my chest is tight, I can barely breathe and I feel one step away from a panic attack.  It’s going to be a long 24 hours.  I can only pray everything will be ok – but experience tells me that with HIM I can’t even pray for that.....so I will pray that most importantly the kids are safe, and happy spending time with their father.  I will TRY to stay calm – and remind myself that I do have a backup plan if things get complicated....*sigh* I HATE this....