The Fear IS Real...Living In Limbo....

My world is an emotional roller coaster at the moment - some days I am like totally happening and productive - and then others....depressed as anything, don't know how I am going to survive moving out with the kids (money, loneliness etc), don't think I will ever go to the temple, cursing my ex for not being involved and leaving me with all the responsibility I am clearly not cut out for....well, you get the picture....and I think I have figured out why its so extreme at the moment....

I am living in limbo,

in this weird phase of time where I honestly I don't have any idea what the future holds for next week, let alone next year....and it is terrifying....it should be exciting, well it kinda is - a little....but I am mostly worried and scared. 

I wish I could explain it better, and I wish there was someone that fully understood the fears that I am facing - it is all feeling so hard right now that I just want to give up (whatever that means....).....though I do know that if I can just get through it'll be good, I will be blessed for my endurance, my hard work etc - its just getting through that I am struggling with....argh!!

This weird separation from M is killing me, and its worse because I initiated it - so what have I got to be upset about. I feel like this big retard that threw everything away...for what? To get to the temple....which is looking like an unattainable mirage to me right now - and I have been trying to so hard and doing so well!

*deep breathe* I guess there is only one thing to do....

Suck it up, get back up and keep going....ugh!

 

Together We CAN Change The World

"On 11-11, 2010, one million people across the globe will mentally project a unified vision of a new paradigm for our species... a new reality.  The very real physics that connects human consciousness with molecular structure will be harnessed en masse during the largest scale simultaneous manifestation transmission in recorded history."



I don't know what the future holds, but I do believe in the immense power of collective positive energy and visualisation. I believe we are the creators of our future. 

"So what do you think will happen?...And does it really matter what you believe?"

I Am In Love.....

....with my Birthday Dress!!!

But I changed my mind.

I didn't feel like this....

Fit well enough, and looked good enough to justify the $$....

(It still looked great mind you!)

So I got this instead....

(after much running around and some awesome help from Mum and M - due to no license and forgetting the belt when I returned above dress!)

Which looks a little like this...

Super excited - but not going to wear it until my birthday! :)

Rock n Roll Petticoats Mr Anon is referring too - would love one!!!

Dreaming Of Camelot....

Richard Harris - I love Arthur!

 I watched "Camelot" the musical with Michael last night.

Loved it.

Well, yes and no. 

Yes, loved it, but the story is sad and I can't get it out of my head.

I knew it vaguely before - but had never seen it in its entirety....

so tragic.

And I am getting obsessed....

After exams I am heading to the library,

and getting lost in Camelot.

Is There A Better Way To Spend November 6th??....

Today is President Uchtdorf's birthday and someone has started a Facebook group to challenge people to bear their testimony on the internet in celebration - see here.

I don't usually bear my testimony to anyone, let alone in a public forum, so I thought now is as good a time as any. :) 


I was raised in the gospel - but have spent the last ten years half going to church or not at all. Enough time to realise I am not happy or at peace with myself without the gospel being a central part of my life. Growing up, even though sometimes life felt hard, and through the tumultuous emotional ride that was my teenage years - the spiritual aspect was the only part of my life I was completely sure about. I can't help occasionally wishing for that kind of spiritual assurance again....

Although my testimony/faith is nowhere near as strong as it once was, I can't deny its existence - I cannot deny the whisperings of the holy ghost and the feeling of absolute awesomeness whenever I hear the prophet, President Thomas S Monson, or any of the apostles speak. They truly are men of God called to guide us in our day. The Book of Mormon is the word of God, every time I read from it I am blown away - I have never read a book so powerful and perfect in its teachings. 


Joseph Smith was an amazing man, I believe all that he said he saw, that he was a prophet of God, and under His direction brought the fullness of the gospel back onto the earth once again.  I am grateful for his faith, determination, example and sacrifice for what he knew to be true, right up until his martyrdom. 


I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and for the love that my Father in Heaven has for me - and I know that he knows me, really knows me, and that my life has a unique purpose. I know that He has prepared a way for me to return again to live with him. On many occasions I have recognised his hand in my life - and I know that I am never completely alone. 


This is my testimony, I hope that you feel the spirit of it. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This Has Made My Night....

Hayley Westenra is amazing.....

The Saddest Thing I Know....

I think about my ex husband a lot.

Not always in the forefront of my mind....mostly just hovering about the perimeter, but he is there. Its hard not to when I look at my children (our children) and the way they look, the things they like, and what they do....I see him in all of them.

I hate that he is so messed up....and I hate that he doesn't seem to know how much. It really is the saddest thing. The few times I have seen him I have wanted to cry. To know the kind of person he was to what he has become, its devastating. Not just in his behaviour, his appearance/countenance shows the most startling change...I am surprised and grateful that the children still love him, still go to him, still accept him, and recognise him for who he is to them....their father, who loves them the best way that he can.

I am writing about this now because I heard Part 2 of the Rhianna and Eminem song "Love The Way You Lie" for the first time on the radio on the way home - It's really powerful, and I find it easier to listen to than the first one....which is way too intense. Though they still dredge up the same memories, this one is less brutal and graphic. It bothers me that these songs connect with so many people, because it's obvious that so many have lived with violence in their relationships....and that sucks.



I really respect Eminem - though there are a lot of his songs that I cannot listen to, due to the hardcore verbally graphic nature of them. He reminds me a lot of the children's father. I think Eminem is extremely  talented...and if you listen to this interview with Rihanna here, she describes the things that I see in him as well (and she says it a lot better). She mentions that there seems to be so much going on in his head that without music as an outlet for him, basically he would be a  really messed up guy...and expressed what I like about him too, his brutal honestly and the way he confronts himself in his music. These are things I see in my ex-husband - his art is his outlet for his deep thinking mind...except somewhere along the way he has lost himself. To me he is a genius. I know so much of what is in his head and what he can contribute to society - all of which will be lost if he can't get it together at some point....and I truly pray that he does. It really would be the saddest thing I know if he died and was not able to share his talents or live up to his potential.

Every time I hear this song below I think about him - and its exactly how I feel....I just wish I could say it to him, or shake him or something....



Dudery, I really do hope you wake up in time.