Good Morning.....

This song had my heart swelling and overflowing with emotion this morning......."Good Morning" by Mandisa.



I was so overwhelmed with happiness and love for my amazing life - more specifically my fabulously unique, crazy, wonderful children and my gorgeous, super supportive husband - I love it when you call me "darlin'" (I honestly could not be more in love with a man - put a baby in my belly now! *sigh*  cursing crazy female hormones.....that did feel like the natural progression) 

Playing Catch Up And Finding My Body Fit.....

Exams have been over for a week and I have just had a week of school holidays with the children. I have to say although I am enrolled in next semester, and it concerns me whether I have passed all my subjects - I really don't want to know my results.....This not knowing is quite a blissful situation.

We have had a fun holidays so far, three excellent play dates already - despite the rainy weather! And almost booked up for next week as well! Insert some after-kids-asleep DVD watching with hubby, sleeping in til 6.30am and nana naps in the afternoon (I think I am catching up on all the sleep I lost during the semester) - it is all feeling very holiday-ish.

However....I am itching for a 'go-away' holiday - a road trip to be exact - I love road tripping with my husband and the kids. I think its the fact that I am starting work in a little over a week and I am getting nervous. I want a brief escape - how far is Rockhampton?? *sigh* 'Miss you Jess, I want our kids to be feral together!'

Another thing I have been more relaxed about - its been kind of a forced thing due to exams etc - exercise....and my body. It is not really working though. Yes I have been more relaxed, only scheduling exercise 3-4 times a week, but my body is getting bigger and its freaking me out a little. Frankly, I think it is ridiculous to have a 'shape' that is maintained on reasonably strict 5-6 days a week exercise plan as well as a monitored diet (ps. this has only been achievable for me when I was living with my parents going to the gym 4 times a week and dancing 3 times a week!)- as a mother of three, a student and soon to be working woman as well, this is just a recipe for stress!

With all this busyness, it has just lost its priority - I exercise to make me feel good, keep my fitness and flexibility, health and to relieve stress - and that sits right with me. But I clearly eat too much generally, because my body is expanding and I can't seem to make peace with that fact. It gets me down, and food is a depressing experience for me at the moment - I am having a constant battle with myself - what is right for me?? I have an 'acquaintance friend' (though I would love it to be more friend...) who was/is struggling with a severe eating disorder - she is a healthy weight now but eating still seems to be a huge battle for her.

All of this is in the back of my mind constantly - why do so many of us have this human experience battle with our bodies and food?? And for those that don't, there is always something else that we battle with. I remember being at the height of a pretty severe drug problem and thinking 'I would rather have a drug problem than have to worry about my weight' FAIL!


So I don't know - everyone has something to say, some little bit of advice - but it is a personal thing for me and I am 31 and still figuring it out.....And since this year is my Enjoying It! year, I would like to make some headway on this issue.

Reading CJane always have me thinking about my womanhood....

Happy Holidays!!




 

Exam Stress and Tender Mercies.....

Just a quick update: Slack blogging due to overload of school work...yuck!! I have finished the semester and I am now in examination period for the next 3 weeks!!

End of semester really gets to me, and actually, it pretty much starts after mid semester break - I need to protest, it is the most horrid break ever!!! Just when I start to get my academic groove on - its holidays, I have the kids home and can't study!.....So my motivation is pretty much down hill from there. the last 5 weeks is when I start skipping a few classes and have to drag myself through my homework. The feelings of wanting to quit happen in the last 2 weeks and peaks now as the exam period begins.

I was having a terrible weekend, I have a writing assignment due Wednesday and it is pretty much a culmination of all the semesters weekly hand ins and is worth 100% of my grade - no pressure! So I was freaking out because I didn't know how to start it and I couldn't think of anything else.....translated, I was pretty much doing nothing, well I lie - I read two short novels to distract myself, because all I could think of was what I was not doing - my assignment. Hate that feeling! It all came to a head yesterday in church - I just didn't want to do it anymore....who needs university anyway?? I was on the verge of tears all morning and I couldn't think of anything else.

I dragged myself to church - but I wasn't really there. Even though I was not in the mood to sing the hymns the words still stood out to me.....the opening hymn "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" pierced my heart a little and helped me remember that the Saviour was my friend - he atoned for me and not just for my sin.....my sorrow, my pain, my stress, my anxiety.....for exactly what I was feeling at that moment. I don't know what the sacrament hymn was, but the word "burden" was highlighted for me. I looked it up in the Topical Guide and opened Jeremiah 17:21 in the old Testament:

21 Thus saith the Lord; Take heed to yourselves, and bear no burden on the sabbath day, nor bring it in by the gates of Jerusalem;

By feeling like this I wasn't keeping the Sabbath - the spirit couldn't reach me at all. Not to mention that I was so distract that I had forgotten to fast at a time when I needed to most. So what use was trying to keep the Sabbath holy by not doing any study when I couldn't think of anything else??

So I prayed.....

Over and over through sacrament as I listened to the testimonies of the congregation - that Jesus Christ, through his atonement, could take away the unnecessary burden that I had placed upon myself that prevented me from doing what I knew I was capable of doing and also from feeling the spirit of the Sabbath and getting the most out of my Sunday.

I went to teach my unprepared lesson to my Primary Class - as turns out I had an extra class as well because their teacher couldn't make it....don't you love that?? But...

It was good.

 I don't how good the children thought it was - I tried to teach the principle the best I could by the scriptures in my unimaginative, unprepared way....but it was good because it helped me to forget my stress completely for those 50mins....and from then on my head was clear. I was able to enjoy my afternoon and see my upcoming task as achievable.

I am so incredibly grateful for the tender mercies of my Father in Heaven, and that He knows what I am dealing with and is willing to help me if I just put myself in a position to receive His help. I am so glad I made a good  choice and went to church when I really really didn't want to.



PS This is also part of my practice of blogging of spiritual things - it feels extremely awkward, but it's not something that I want to confine only to Sundays at church. 

Confessions Of An Anti-Groupie....

I have been wanting to write this post for a while, and a message left on my wall yesterday reignited the topic for me....here is a bit of background....


Me: the prolific facebook updater...

yesterday morning....

"That awful feeling when you realise the song you like to dance to is a Justin Bieber song......fail :/"

yesterday afternoon....

"Seriously, how good is Supre??!! I have been shopping there since I was a kid - one shop for all the basic tops - I have re-stocked my singlets (the colours are excellent this season!), t-shirts and 3/4 tops, brilliant for layering....also awesome for random fashion items that come and go (LOVE my stud belt!)


AND the music is BRILLIANT - I want to know who does their playlists!!!

.....I choose to ignore the skank factor :)"

My girl Jess:...the message that inspired this post....

"How do you admit to shopping at Supre but are cut about loving a JB song!?! I LOVE Justin Bieber! Hahaha xoxo"

The answer:

It is because I am an anti-groupie!

I hate following the crowd, and its been that way ever since I can remember. 

I was never a stand out person growing up, I didn't have bizarre hair or clothes - I was normal, if a little nerdy. The funny thing is I don't much like obvious attention either. My uniqueness, however, is very important to me. One of the worst insults was and still is to tell me that I am just like every other woman!! I would prefer to be told my specific short comings - I refuse to be grouped in with every other 'anything'.

When I was a teenager, if there was a boy that all girls liked I wouldn't be interested, no matter how much of a nice person he was. (I met one of those boys a few years ago, turns out he was really nice and I potentially missed out on getting to know, in a non romantic way, a good guy because of my prejudice)I didn't actually have any boyfriends until almost 18, but I had a lot of crushes. The boys I liked were never super popular, I was always drawn to their individuality characteristics. I love discovering the idiosyncrasies in others and knowing them makes me love people even more.

I think that is why I fell in love and married my first husband - he was different (when I first noticed him, and asked around about him, a girl told me not to be interested - 'he draws pictures with blood in them'...instead of putting me off it just increased my interest) and he recognised my uniqueness as well. I think I sub-consciously still didn't want to marry and have the same life as the masses. I married an artist, and I knew my life would be different and challenging, that idea was so exciting for me.

I was heavily into R&B music in those years as well, so much so that I would be scouring record stores and magazines looking for new artists. I loved discovering new talent, and listening to music that wasn't being played constantly on the radio. It was so fantastic listening to an album and feeling like I was one 'of the few' appreciating such an awesome artist.

Anyway, I think it has gotten worse with age - now I can't watch movies if they have been hyped up and everyone is loving them, even if it is genuinely a good movie!! I have only recently seen 'The Help', I got it out on video one day over holidays because I felt like it was time. It was brilliant and I balled my eyes out and thought about it for days, yet I couldn't see it while 'everyone' was still talking about it. I haven't read 'The Hunger Games', nor do I have any desire to see the movie. Maybe I will wait until the Christmas holidays.....

Now to respond to funky Jess's comment - 

Had I discovered Justin Bieber before the screaming masses of teenage girls got a hold of his music I would have loved him and it wouldn't have bothered me at all to share his music with the hoards. But now, its almost torture.....and as for Supre, we have a history, so its all good - admittedly I didn't shop their for quite a long time because of the style of clothes they sell now and their target market - but when all my singlets were getting threadbare...it was time to go back. 

So there is an exception, if I get on the bandwagon first, or without the knowledge that I am sharing my passion with the beast of popular opinion....I just have to suck it, and be part of the beast. That's why I love the "Twilight Saga". It happened before I got 'connected', when I just got back to Queensland, I had no internet and I had been stuck on the drama in my life for a couple of years without seeing much else. So someone gave me a book - I read it and loved it....then I realised.....Noooooo.....I was part of the Twilight beast! I couldn't break away though - the books are amazing! I do however wait a few weeks until I see the new movies....

and that...is my confession.

"Isolated Loneliness...."

I am feeling acutely lonely today.....it not an unfamiliar emotion to me. I remember feeling lonely a lot throughout my life. Maybe it was a consequence of being the oldest and only girl in the four children of my family....or maybe it is a personality things....I don't know.

My star sign is Sagittarius - which is fiery and social by nature, which I am/can be, I feel positively charged after genuine social interactions.....is this why I am so susceptible to feelings of loneliness - without that social charge? As I look back on my life it is peppered with moments of loneliness - I although had friends at school and at church, despite moving inter-state with my family and back again - I often felt isolated and misunderstood and had a tendency to withdraw into my own head.

I know for sure it got worse when I got married....life got a little harder and more busy, I spent less personal time with people and I found other newly married friends preferred to spend time with their spouses. I am pretty sure however that that wasn't the only reason - two of my husbands children went camping for Easter with a group of young married couples and their babies. I have to shamefully admit that I was a little (more than a little....ok...ugh!) envious, never having that kind of relationship with anyone/couple that I have known.

Isolation increased when I had children, with an environmental element as well. My brothers hadn't had any children, I was in a different state away from my family and friends, I didn't know anybody and my marriage already had secrets I was ashamed of. I spent a lot of time in my head and a lot of time not connecting at mothers group and at church, and wishing that I could have mother friends who randomly stopped by, who I could really talk to, make dinner plans with and have our children play together.

It didn't help that my first husband had some kind of social issues/phobia and much preferred me, our children or his own company. I felt like I lived in another world to most of the people I mingled with at church - I didn't think that was all in my head, I was pretty certain they were not going home to a drug addiction and a turbulently violent household.

Singledom with 3 children ramped up the loneliness - I found it hard to connect with unmarried people on one hand and on the other felt like a reject family to the 'complete' families. I think I wanted to marry the first man I entirely connected with (although my commitment was a different story - just ask him.)

My now husband, who I intend to annoyingly love forever, is entirely social on the outside but in reality bit of a loner (maybe I am inherently attracted to them?...Loners). He doesn't hunger for people interaction like I do. He doesn't have any close friends and doesn't appear to mind - making it quite difficult for him to understand my bouts of isolation and loneliness. I try to convince him that I am different, I get my views on the world from my interactions with people - its like my energy feeds off them....I don't think he gets it.

Or

It all could be hormonally related too - PMS depression, I know I get that.....When I die, I am going to have words to my God about that!!

Seriously.

Forget Him Not This Easter.....

It's Good Friday and I am thinking a lot about Easter this morning, I have been watching some of the new Bible Stories clips on the last days the of life of Jesus Christ. I am quite impressed with them, so I decided that I am going to be that annoying person on Facebook and post different ones throughout the day. It saddens me a little that the only imagery we are bombarded with at Easter is eggs and bunnies and marshmallows - 

The whole reason for the bunnies and eggs (don't know about the marshmallows though..what the??....) is that it is a symbol of new life, a representation of Our Saviour's sacrifice and subsequent Resurrection. We celebrate the life He gave for us, the atonement for our sin that it may be possible to return to live with our Father in Heaven. He rose again, the first, that we may some day all receive the same. He is our example, He renewed the law and taught us the better way to live. 

I am so incredibly grateful for His atoning sacrifice for me. He suffered for me. He knows me. He knows my pains, my sadness, my loneliness, and the guilt I burden myself with for my errors of judgement and blatant disregard, at times, for what I know to be right. It's because of this sacrifice and my acceptance of this Gift that I do not have to suffer, I can be free. Comforted to know that I can never wander too far for Him, as my shepherd, to find me and bring me back.

It is still hard for me to talk about the importance of Christ in my life so openly and in such a public forum. Here the words feel alien to me. These words are usually confined to my home and my church where I am surrounded by like minded people. I feel vulnerable. There is so much negative stigma surrounding religion, and I have had my own share of anti-religious sentiments in the past. 

Honestly though, as vulnerable as I feel, and embarrassed by the minority that my beliefs have seemed to become; I am not ashamed of  the Gospel of Christ, of what I believe, and of what brings absolute joy and peace to my life. 

I cannot help but share it with others and it would be remiss of me to keep it to myself. For to me it is truth, and today and for the next three days

I will publish glad tiding of my God and my Saviour, and I will not be ashamed.

Hump Day.....

I couldn't be more happier to see the end of today, though the relief hasn't quite sunk in yet....I am still exhausted, incredibly cranky and the boys aren't quite asleep yet. 

Wednesday marks the end of my weekly homework, assessments, and most of my classes - by this time in the week I am constantly on the verge of tears, my house is a bomb, and I badly need to repent for all the expletives and harsh words that have come out of my mouth in the last three hours. 

*sigh* 

This is the point where I start to wonder why on earth I decided that full time study would be a good idea this year.....

Somebody please remind me!. 

I wished so hard tonight that Michael would come home, that he could put me to bed, take care of the children and clean the kitchen for me. It is his dancing night - which is cool - but I so badly wanted him here. It's all done, I managed, and the house is finally quite....thank goodness!

I know all I really need is a good night sleep - and to switch of my brain (mind numbing American sitcoms here I come!) and recharge it for tomorrow. 

It is a steep learning curve and I am trying so hard to roll with the changes I have had to make in my everyday life, and the priorities that I have had to shuffle around. 

The random moments of peace and clarity are what keep me going - every now and again during the week, when my mind is clear and unboggled and I get the chance to reflect.....I know this is what I am meant to be doing - .I love it, and wouldn't give up the challenges for anything!. 

But for now....

Bed.