I am feeling acutely lonely today.....it not an unfamiliar emotion to me. I remember feeling lonely a lot throughout my life. Maybe it was a consequence of being the oldest and only girl in the four children of my family....or maybe it is a personality things....I don't know.
My star sign is Sagittarius - which is fiery and social by nature, which I am/can be, I feel positively charged after genuine social interactions.....is this why I am so susceptible to feelings of loneliness - without that social charge? As I look back on my life it is peppered with moments of loneliness - I although had friends at school and at church, despite moving inter-state with my family and back again - I often felt isolated and misunderstood and had a tendency to withdraw into my own head.
I know for sure it got worse when I got married....life got a little harder and more busy, I spent less personal time with people and I found other newly married friends preferred to spend time with their spouses. I am pretty sure however that that wasn't the only reason - two of my husbands children went camping for Easter with a group of young married couples and their babies. I have to shamefully admit that I was a little (more than a little....ok...ugh!) envious, never having that kind of relationship with anyone/couple that I have known.
Isolation increased when I had children, with an environmental element as well. My brothers hadn't had any children, I was in a different state away from my family and friends, I didn't know anybody and my marriage already had secrets I was ashamed of. I spent a lot of time in my head and a lot of time not connecting at mothers group and at church, and wishing that I could have mother friends who randomly stopped by, who I could really talk to, make dinner plans with and have our children play together.
It didn't help that my first husband had some kind of social issues/phobia and much preferred me, our children or his own company. I felt like I lived in another world to most of the people I mingled with at church - I didn't think that was all in my head, I was pretty certain they were not going home to a drug addiction and a turbulently violent household.
Singledom with 3 children ramped up the loneliness - I found it hard to connect with unmarried people on one hand and on the other felt like a reject family to the 'complete' families. I think I wanted to marry the first man I entirely connected with (although my commitment was a different story - just ask him.)
My now husband, who I intend to annoyingly love forever, is entirely social on the outside but in reality bit of a loner (maybe I am inherently attracted to them?...Loners). He doesn't hunger for people interaction like I do. He doesn't have any close friends and doesn't appear to mind - making it quite difficult for him to understand my bouts of isolation and loneliness. I try to convince him that I am different, I get my views on the world from my interactions with people - its like my energy feeds off them....I don't think he gets it.
It all could be hormonally related too - PMS depression, I know I get that.....When I die, I am going to have words to my God about that!!