Confessions Of An Anti-Groupie....

I have been wanting to write this post for a while, and a message left on my wall yesterday reignited the topic for me....here is a bit of background....


Me: the prolific facebook updater...

yesterday morning....

"That awful feeling when you realise the song you like to dance to is a Justin Bieber song......fail :/"

yesterday afternoon....

"Seriously, how good is Supre??!! I have been shopping there since I was a kid - one shop for all the basic tops - I have re-stocked my singlets (the colours are excellent this season!), t-shirts and 3/4 tops, brilliant for layering....also awesome for random fashion items that come and go (LOVE my stud belt!)


AND the music is BRILLIANT - I want to know who does their playlists!!!

.....I choose to ignore the skank factor :)"

My girl Jess:...the message that inspired this post....

"How do you admit to shopping at Supre but are cut about loving a JB song!?! I LOVE Justin Bieber! Hahaha xoxo"

The answer:

It is because I am an anti-groupie!

I hate following the crowd, and its been that way ever since I can remember. 

I was never a stand out person growing up, I didn't have bizarre hair or clothes - I was normal, if a little nerdy. The funny thing is I don't much like obvious attention either. My uniqueness, however, is very important to me. One of the worst insults was and still is to tell me that I am just like every other woman!! I would prefer to be told my specific short comings - I refuse to be grouped in with every other 'anything'.

When I was a teenager, if there was a boy that all girls liked I wouldn't be interested, no matter how much of a nice person he was. (I met one of those boys a few years ago, turns out he was really nice and I potentially missed out on getting to know, in a non romantic way, a good guy because of my prejudice)I didn't actually have any boyfriends until almost 18, but I had a lot of crushes. The boys I liked were never super popular, I was always drawn to their individuality characteristics. I love discovering the idiosyncrasies in others and knowing them makes me love people even more.

I think that is why I fell in love and married my first husband - he was different (when I first noticed him, and asked around about him, a girl told me not to be interested - 'he draws pictures with blood in them'...instead of putting me off it just increased my interest) and he recognised my uniqueness as well. I think I sub-consciously still didn't want to marry and have the same life as the masses. I married an artist, and I knew my life would be different and challenging, that idea was so exciting for me.

I was heavily into R&B music in those years as well, so much so that I would be scouring record stores and magazines looking for new artists. I loved discovering new talent, and listening to music that wasn't being played constantly on the radio. It was so fantastic listening to an album and feeling like I was one 'of the few' appreciating such an awesome artist.

Anyway, I think it has gotten worse with age - now I can't watch movies if they have been hyped up and everyone is loving them, even if it is genuinely a good movie!! I have only recently seen 'The Help', I got it out on video one day over holidays because I felt like it was time. It was brilliant and I balled my eyes out and thought about it for days, yet I couldn't see it while 'everyone' was still talking about it. I haven't read 'The Hunger Games', nor do I have any desire to see the movie. Maybe I will wait until the Christmas holidays.....

Now to respond to funky Jess's comment - 

Had I discovered Justin Bieber before the screaming masses of teenage girls got a hold of his music I would have loved him and it wouldn't have bothered me at all to share his music with the hoards. But now, its almost torture.....and as for Supre, we have a history, so its all good - admittedly I didn't shop their for quite a long time because of the style of clothes they sell now and their target market - but when all my singlets were getting threadbare...it was time to go back. 

So there is an exception, if I get on the bandwagon first, or without the knowledge that I am sharing my passion with the beast of popular opinion....I just have to suck it, and be part of the beast. That's why I love the "Twilight Saga". It happened before I got 'connected', when I just got back to Queensland, I had no internet and I had been stuck on the drama in my life for a couple of years without seeing much else. So someone gave me a book - I read it and loved it....then I realised.....Noooooo.....I was part of the Twilight beast! I couldn't break away though - the books are amazing! I do however wait a few weeks until I see the new movies....

and that...is my confession.

"Isolated Loneliness...."

I am feeling acutely lonely today.....it not an unfamiliar emotion to me. I remember feeling lonely a lot throughout my life. Maybe it was a consequence of being the oldest and only girl in the four children of my family....or maybe it is a personality things....I don't know.

My star sign is Sagittarius - which is fiery and social by nature, which I am/can be, I feel positively charged after genuine social interactions.....is this why I am so susceptible to feelings of loneliness - without that social charge? As I look back on my life it is peppered with moments of loneliness - I although had friends at school and at church, despite moving inter-state with my family and back again - I often felt isolated and misunderstood and had a tendency to withdraw into my own head.

I know for sure it got worse when I got married....life got a little harder and more busy, I spent less personal time with people and I found other newly married friends preferred to spend time with their spouses. I am pretty sure however that that wasn't the only reason - two of my husbands children went camping for Easter with a group of young married couples and their babies. I have to shamefully admit that I was a little (more than a little....ok...ugh!) envious, never having that kind of relationship with anyone/couple that I have known.

Isolation increased when I had children, with an environmental element as well. My brothers hadn't had any children, I was in a different state away from my family and friends, I didn't know anybody and my marriage already had secrets I was ashamed of. I spent a lot of time in my head and a lot of time not connecting at mothers group and at church, and wishing that I could have mother friends who randomly stopped by, who I could really talk to, make dinner plans with and have our children play together.

It didn't help that my first husband had some kind of social issues/phobia and much preferred me, our children or his own company. I felt like I lived in another world to most of the people I mingled with at church - I didn't think that was all in my head, I was pretty certain they were not going home to a drug addiction and a turbulently violent household.

Singledom with 3 children ramped up the loneliness - I found it hard to connect with unmarried people on one hand and on the other felt like a reject family to the 'complete' families. I think I wanted to marry the first man I entirely connected with (although my commitment was a different story - just ask him.)

My now husband, who I intend to annoyingly love forever, is entirely social on the outside but in reality bit of a loner (maybe I am inherently attracted to them?...Loners). He doesn't hunger for people interaction like I do. He doesn't have any close friends and doesn't appear to mind - making it quite difficult for him to understand my bouts of isolation and loneliness. I try to convince him that I am different, I get my views on the world from my interactions with people - its like my energy feeds off them....I don't think he gets it.

Or

It all could be hormonally related too - PMS depression, I know I get that.....When I die, I am going to have words to my God about that!!

Seriously.

Forget Him Not This Easter.....

It's Good Friday and I am thinking a lot about Easter this morning, I have been watching some of the new Bible Stories clips on the last days the of life of Jesus Christ. I am quite impressed with them, so I decided that I am going to be that annoying person on Facebook and post different ones throughout the day. It saddens me a little that the only imagery we are bombarded with at Easter is eggs and bunnies and marshmallows - 

The whole reason for the bunnies and eggs (don't know about the marshmallows though..what the??....) is that it is a symbol of new life, a representation of Our Saviour's sacrifice and subsequent Resurrection. We celebrate the life He gave for us, the atonement for our sin that it may be possible to return to live with our Father in Heaven. He rose again, the first, that we may some day all receive the same. He is our example, He renewed the law and taught us the better way to live. 

I am so incredibly grateful for His atoning sacrifice for me. He suffered for me. He knows me. He knows my pains, my sadness, my loneliness, and the guilt I burden myself with for my errors of judgement and blatant disregard, at times, for what I know to be right. It's because of this sacrifice and my acceptance of this Gift that I do not have to suffer, I can be free. Comforted to know that I can never wander too far for Him, as my shepherd, to find me and bring me back.

It is still hard for me to talk about the importance of Christ in my life so openly and in such a public forum. Here the words feel alien to me. These words are usually confined to my home and my church where I am surrounded by like minded people. I feel vulnerable. There is so much negative stigma surrounding religion, and I have had my own share of anti-religious sentiments in the past. 

Honestly though, as vulnerable as I feel, and embarrassed by the minority that my beliefs have seemed to become; I am not ashamed of  the Gospel of Christ, of what I believe, and of what brings absolute joy and peace to my life. 

I cannot help but share it with others and it would be remiss of me to keep it to myself. For to me it is truth, and today and for the next three days

I will publish glad tiding of my God and my Saviour, and I will not be ashamed.

Hump Day.....

I couldn't be more happier to see the end of today, though the relief hasn't quite sunk in yet....I am still exhausted, incredibly cranky and the boys aren't quite asleep yet. 

Wednesday marks the end of my weekly homework, assessments, and most of my classes - by this time in the week I am constantly on the verge of tears, my house is a bomb, and I badly need to repent for all the expletives and harsh words that have come out of my mouth in the last three hours. 

*sigh* 

This is the point where I start to wonder why on earth I decided that full time study would be a good idea this year.....

Somebody please remind me!. 

I wished so hard tonight that Michael would come home, that he could put me to bed, take care of the children and clean the kitchen for me. It is his dancing night - which is cool - but I so badly wanted him here. It's all done, I managed, and the house is finally quite....thank goodness!

I know all I really need is a good night sleep - and to switch of my brain (mind numbing American sitcoms here I come!) and recharge it for tomorrow. 

It is a steep learning curve and I am trying so hard to roll with the changes I have had to make in my everyday life, and the priorities that I have had to shuffle around. 

The random moments of peace and clarity are what keep me going - every now and again during the week, when my mind is clear and unboggled and I get the chance to reflect.....I know this is what I am meant to be doing - .I love it, and wouldn't give up the challenges for anything!. 

But for now....

Bed.

Excitement Times Two.....

I am excited, and nervous at the same time - but I guess if you are not moving forward you are moving backwards...so they say.

I just completed my first week of full time study in my new degree, Accounting/Law if you are not in the know. And for the record, it is definitely as hard as I though it would be! (I should be studying right now) But I am feeling all 'swelly' in my chest about it  - you know what I mean - I feel like "this is for me", and I am loving it.

I walked into my first Law lecture confronted with a David Guetta house remix  (something like this) blaring through the theatre, and my lecturer wearing a funky "That Shop" style dress (though I think her style is perhaps slightly darker), and her hair - a bright pink mohawk!

Okaaaay.....a quick timetable check, and yes, it was the right theatre....Definitely, a first for me.

But she was passionate about the subject , she talked with conviction about her teaching techniques....and I really dug (yes I did...) the fact that she has such a strong sense of style in such an academic environment - and honestly, two outfits later, I want to know where she buys her clothes! Two outfits later because she is taking my 'Legal Writing' course as well.....and that's when it got awesome for me.....

I thought, although slightly interesting, Legal Writing would be one of those compulsory first year subjects I would just have to endure....not so. In two hours I was awakened to the fact, that maybe, I am a writer - in some respects. I have always loved words, stories, language - especially those that inspire deep thought and moral discussion....but never really felt creatively inclined.

It excites me, maybe I have found a place that my interests and skill can fit together....and make super cute legal babies in the process! hmmmm......watch this space!

And that is just the first of our big adventures  - my family of course, is coming along for the ride! (sorry in advance guys, its gonna get kinda crazy around here....)

Secondly, today, at about 2pm  - we settled on an investment property (apartment) near the city!.....I don't know if I mentioned it before - but I inherited this huge commitment by marriage.....just as Michael inherited the huge commitment of my gorgeous 'package deal' - in triplicate! I wasn't sure these two would go well together, and as it turns out, not many banks did either! But we found one, and as the ink is drying post settlement, I am digging out all my thrifty financial juggling skills I learned, out of necessity, from my previous life.

Change is adventurous people, and so is progress! Even with the challenges that I know we will be facing in the next five years (at least!) as a partnership and family, it is still sooooooo deliciously......

Exciting!!!!

Distance Makes The Heart Grow....

I have not seen Michael since Wednesday morning, he will be home tonight at about 9pm-ish and today is our first anniversary. I think its the longest he has been away since we have been married. The longest before that was when he went to New Zealand to pick his son up from his mission.

Surprisingly,

It's all good....(well mostly good - I need to teach him that a simple reply text to my early morning 'Happy Anniversary' one would have got a lot of husband points, instead of just returning my 4.10pm call....but anyway....working on it!)

Back to its all good, because it really is. I have missed him a lot since he has been away, but the space gave me time to notice how much I had changed since we first met. I have flourished, no doubt about it, and I know that it has been his constant love and support that has given me the confidence to stretch myself and to be more of what I know I can be. 


The thing is, I know Michael knows it, and I know he feels super chuffed that he could be that for me. I really noticed it today sitting at church - I managed to get the kids all ready for church and be early/on time, I had a lesson to teach and I wasn't freaking out! Not to mention I am about start a full on semester at Uni and study up for a tax consultancy job mid-year - and I think I can do it!


In this past year I have had more growth than I have had in the last 7 years! Don't get me wrong, I have been strengthened by the trials, the heart ache, the loneliness, the bad (really bad) decisions - it has been refining for me. And I wouldn't be right here, right now, feeling this good without them. My life or my spiritual progression over the past 3 years (for me they are synonymous - if I am in a good place spiritually all areas of my life are doing well and prospering) reminds me of parts of the allegory of the Olive Tree taught in Jacob 5 (from the Book of Mormon - learn more about it here)...It is actually about the scattering and gathering of Israel.


Jacob 5
verse 65
And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard.


verse 73
And there began to be the natural fruit again in the vineyard; and the natural branches began to grow and thrive exceedingly; and the wild branches began to be plucked off and to be cast away; and they did keep the root and the top thereof equal, according to the strength thereof. (italics added)


There was a time about 2 years ago when I was trying to rapidly progress with coming back to church, (I think it had to do with a boy *sigh* - Side bar: Ladies/Gents, do not let anyone rush you to be what you are not ready to be!! If they will not love you for who you are and where you are at - let them go!!) but still was not ready to let go of other parts of my lifestyle - needless to say I crashed and burned. Although it was hugely discouraging, the truth was...I just wasn't ready. 


Now is different though - I do feel like my progress is equal according to my strength and I appreciate and love Michael immensely for sticking by me and letting me be me, taking my life at my own pace, and loving me all the while. 


In my own funny, distracted way - this is my Valentine's/Anniversary gift to him - ME....evidence of the strength, beauty and goodness of our union.

Be Mine????

The Hard Things, And A Not-So-Good Day....

Yesterday didn't start off too well....My very-almost 9 year old was having a friend sleep over for his birthday and I was super cranky because the play room and the children's room were a mess and I was sick of cleaning up after them....bla bla bla....and the husband and I had had a 'conversation' about our finances which didn't do anything to improve my mood. I was quite possibly hormonal to add to it - so as you can see, the outlook for a productive day was pretty grim.

I was taking my 21 yo step-daughter to the airport and dropped the kids pretty early (8.05am) to school on the way. (I like to give them little opportunities for independence and responsibility - the older two were to look after the 5 year old and take him to class.)


I was trying to mentally motivate myself all the way to the airport, whilst having a mini bonding experience with B, which was pretty cool. (She has recently moved back in to our place - and its good to have her back...)

I wasn't getting anywhere with the motivating so I called Mum who was holidaying with Dad down the road, hoping for some sort of distraction to delay my day. They already had plans and I was welcome to tag a long but I declined and then proceeded to sob it out in the car. As I was heading home (after some calls to Michael - men can be so insensitive sometimes!! - and more sobbing), I heard the traffic was bad on the highway so I made a detour which lead me straight past Babushka's house. She is 87 and awesome, and there was no way I could drive by without stopping for a visit regardless of how average I was feeling. She was really happy to see me and promptly offered me food. After 2 piroshki (mince filled bread pocket things) and some jarlsberg cheese (is there anything better?) I was feeling loads better emotionally, though still a bit queasy from all the stress.

We chatted about sewing and the bean bag I wanted to make, she took me into her sewing room to go through her materials to find a suitable fabric. Babushka's sewing room is brilliant! We settled on a roll of cream curtain material with red/pink flowers on it (to match my red cushions and dusty pinkish-brown leather couch. I then mentioned my struggles with trying to figure out how to fix my couch - the underneath of the middle seat was ripped and it had become a sink hole. I wanted to stitch it but I didn't have any thread strong enough and I was concerned I would need an upholstery needle. We talked, she found me some thread and gave me tips on sewing through the leather with a normal needle.


I had found my motivation!!


After the short visit my spirits were lifted considerably and I was all pumped to fix my couch. However, on the way home I was so incredibly sleepy that it was almost dangerous - so I fell into bed on my return. After 15minutes, which felt like a blink, I got a call from Master very-almost nine's school saying he wasn't feeling well and wanted to come home. I had my reservations - he had had a late night (we went swimming and had dinner with Mum and Dad) but how can you argue when your child has gone to sick bay and the school calls you?? So I went to pick him up - then I was doing my couch.

And I did.


And it feels awesomely normal to sit on.


It took me two hours of stitching and pricking myself.


But I did it!


I didn't get a whole lot of anything else done except a brief tidy, some grocery shopping and dinner (home made pizza at the birthday boys request) - but the satisfaction of a long-put-off-job completed will last me, at least, the whole weekend!


Which leads me to a bit of a side track - why do I/we leave things to the very last minute? To the point that the said task because so urgent that there is not other choice but to do it? I could have fixed the couch ages ago when the rip wasn't even half as bad as when I fixed it (did I mention I fixed the couch???)

I also did my Brazil Butt Lift this morning after a long while of not doing it because the DVD died - easily remedied with Michael's AV receiver. I don't know why I stopped, especially since I got results! Why did I have to wait until my butt became unbearable (to me), to start again??

So many questions!

But the point is - I found my motivation, and beat that not-so-good day - and fixed my couch!


It feels good.