Baking Freaks Me Out!.....

Well, if you know me.....or at the very least, were privy to my intense bouts of of baking, you would be thinking....what the...??!

The 'actual' baking doesn't freak me out - I like to make cakes - I think I make a good fabulous chocolate mud cake, and my one (thus far) attempt at a sponge was not too shabby....not to mention my successful dabblings in ganache...

So let me clarify....

Cupcakes freak me out!....Cake decorating freaks me out! Cutting my cake into layers, and icing, and piping freaks me out!!

It is the fiddliness of it all. *shudder* It drives me nuts, and causes me all kinds of stress and trauma.

 So what am I doing for my daughters 8th birthday....Today?

A giant cupcake, layered and iced and......decorated. With a chocolate cupcake liner no less!

Why, oh why, oh why did I feel so ambitious!

Cause I love my baby girl, and I am totally enamoured with the image of a huge cupcake with bright multicoloured Dr Seuss-esque icing on top.

However....it is 6am on the day of, and the chocolate liner won't come out the of the tin - eek.....You know how some people thrive under pressure -

I am not one of them.

How good is this?? Mind you, nothing like how mine is going to look -
especially at this rate!

7:07am - I would just like to add that I have finally got the chocolate liner out of the tin!! But since the base is an inch thick and I am feeling more confident - I am going to melt it down and do it again to make it better.

Amelie is was so proud of me - "Wow, great job Mum!" with the biggest smile on her smile.

A Tender Reminder....

The last post has been hovering in my mind for days - I loathe to leave my blog on such a downer! Plus, I had to share the tender mercies that got me through the crazy week....

After I dropped the kids at school that day my step-daughter, who currently lives with us - but is hardly ever home, rocked up with her fiance for a day of hanging and getting ready for a pre-wedding photo-shoot. Yay for me, as that lovely young man is a worthy priesthood holder and I nervously asked if he would mind giving me a blessing to help me be calm. It was wonderful - and helped me remember that my Father in heaven wants me to ask for help and is eager to bless me.

Minutes later I had a my Visiting Teachers coming over, a visit they had organised earlier in the week. They were new to me, one of them I was already friendly with and had her family over to dinner before - but still in the early days of a new friendship, and the other I had never met before. I have been been blessed with awesome VT's!! So grateful for them - on top of bringing a basket of chocolates (Yay!!) I totally connected with them, and really felt like I could be myself. I was so (so so so) grateful for their visit - it helped me feel normal - instead of a total head case!

Then...

The next day while running I was listening to the Saturday morning session of this most recent General Conference. The second song was How Firm A Foundation  (click in the link!! powerful and amazing!), such an awesome song. More poignant as one night a couple of months ago I had the lyrics running through my mind the entire night as I slept. I awoke to search down the name of the hymn because I didn't know it off the top of my head. So hearing that song, right then, a midst my anxiety....I had 'a moment'. Running in the early morning sun with tears running down my cheeks.

1.How firm a foundation ye saints of the Lord,

Is laid for your faith in his excellent word;

What more can he say than to you he hath said?

You, who unto Jesus, for refuge have fled.

2.In ev'ry condition - in sickness in health,

In poverty's vale, or abounding in wealth,

At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,

As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

3.Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed!

For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand. 

7.The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes:

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never - no, never, no, never forsake!"

In that moment I knew that my God had my back! - and that as hard as it all seemed right then, I would get through it. 

My special moment....

I slogged away for the next few days, gradually understanding more and more of the topic. My group was fabulous and although I couldn't complete the full problem by myself, my contribution was solid and we submitted, with relief for all involved, with plenty of time until deadline. I would just like to say that I was not the only member in our group that was brought to tears by the baffling phenomena that is Consolidations!!

So my sob story had a Happy Ending - one that I could not neglect to share.

Girl Interrupted....

Feeling absolutely insane at the moment - have been in tears since - almost - the moment I woke up. It is stress - something my body doesn't deal well with at all. The cause - my university subject. Slightly weird considering I totally smashed last semester with the best grades so far and 4.5 times the work load -  and now I am barely coping with this one subject.

In my defense, it is crazy hard....and trying to get my head around it, and run a household, negotiating 3 children - it's pushing me over the edge. I am finding myself in a really dark place that I never wanted to see again - let alone my husband - he doesn't know what to do except hug me and tell me he doesn't care what result I get, as long as I don't give up.

Relatively calmer now, but that is 2 Valiums later - low dose (left over from a neck injury - I loathe prescription meds).....but I didn't know what else to do. I was too mental to function, was ready to run away because I couldn't handle another day of an anxious chest, of yelling at my kids and having Michael and his daughter witness it all.

It is horrible feeling that out of control, having to resist urges to break things in frustration and  not being able to quiet my thoughts enough to even get on my knees and ask for help. I want/ed a priesthood blessing but it all seems to hard - to call my home teachers, knowing they both work and have families...and from experience, having to wait two days for it and then second guessing myself as to the urgency of it - to explain that it was important NOW and I needed help now! Times like this I curse my body, my mind - I feel trapped by it. I know what a burden it is to be around someone struggling with mental health - and I don't want to be that person.

Wishing I didn't feel so alone right now.

Just a Little Random.....

As I mopped the floor today and made a half hearted attempt to pick up my daughters room - I fantasied about having a super organised house. A place for everything, and a schedule that I actually stuck to.....

The more I thought about that, however, the more I concluded that it was completely unachievable  for me. Not in the sense that it was impossible, but more that it just wasn't me. The older I get, and the more I get to know myself, I am noticing how utterly random I am. Maybe it's the Sagittarion in me, although my mother would suggest a more complex planetary combination - perhaps I should have another look at my birth chart?

Sometimes I find my distractibility hits 'puppy dog' level...(which may suggest why I only seem to have success studying in the darkness of the early morning or in front of a computer in the Learning Centres at school!)... and although it quite often presents a challenge to actually getting anything done - I would not have baked three pies over the weekend and determined my opinion on pastry, (after dabbling in flaky rich butter pastry - I would just go with the standard egg yolk method - the calories just aren't worth it! - Oh yeah, and coconut banana cream pie is divine- and has the least sugar of all my creations!)and managed to do quite awesomely in my Company Accounting exam. 

But back to my randomness - I am actually pretty ok with it. My life has a plan - and I almost always achieve what I set my mind to (Michael would translate that to - "I always get what I want"....but that is mostly because he loves me) often it may take a little longer, but I am enjoying the adventure and learning a lot.

I want my life full of  'smelling flowers' experiences....here's to randomness and enjoying it!

Good Morning.....

This song had my heart swelling and overflowing with emotion this morning......."Good Morning" by Mandisa.



I was so overwhelmed with happiness and love for my amazing life - more specifically my fabulously unique, crazy, wonderful children and my gorgeous, super supportive husband - I love it when you call me "darlin'" (I honestly could not be more in love with a man - put a baby in my belly now! *sigh*  cursing crazy female hormones.....that did feel like the natural progression) 

Playing Catch Up And Finding My Body Fit.....

Exams have been over for a week and I have just had a week of school holidays with the children. I have to say although I am enrolled in next semester, and it concerns me whether I have passed all my subjects - I really don't want to know my results.....This not knowing is quite a blissful situation.

We have had a fun holidays so far, three excellent play dates already - despite the rainy weather! And almost booked up for next week as well! Insert some after-kids-asleep DVD watching with hubby, sleeping in til 6.30am and nana naps in the afternoon (I think I am catching up on all the sleep I lost during the semester) - it is all feeling very holiday-ish.

However....I am itching for a 'go-away' holiday - a road trip to be exact - I love road tripping with my husband and the kids. I think its the fact that I am starting work in a little over a week and I am getting nervous. I want a brief escape - how far is Rockhampton?? *sigh* 'Miss you Jess, I want our kids to be feral together!'

Another thing I have been more relaxed about - its been kind of a forced thing due to exams etc - exercise....and my body. It is not really working though. Yes I have been more relaxed, only scheduling exercise 3-4 times a week, but my body is getting bigger and its freaking me out a little. Frankly, I think it is ridiculous to have a 'shape' that is maintained on reasonably strict 5-6 days a week exercise plan as well as a monitored diet (ps. this has only been achievable for me when I was living with my parents going to the gym 4 times a week and dancing 3 times a week!)- as a mother of three, a student and soon to be working woman as well, this is just a recipe for stress!

With all this busyness, it has just lost its priority - I exercise to make me feel good, keep my fitness and flexibility, health and to relieve stress - and that sits right with me. But I clearly eat too much generally, because my body is expanding and I can't seem to make peace with that fact. It gets me down, and food is a depressing experience for me at the moment - I am having a constant battle with myself - what is right for me?? I have an 'acquaintance friend' (though I would love it to be more friend...) who was/is struggling with a severe eating disorder - she is a healthy weight now but eating still seems to be a huge battle for her.

All of this is in the back of my mind constantly - why do so many of us have this human experience battle with our bodies and food?? And for those that don't, there is always something else that we battle with. I remember being at the height of a pretty severe drug problem and thinking 'I would rather have a drug problem than have to worry about my weight' FAIL!


So I don't know - everyone has something to say, some little bit of advice - but it is a personal thing for me and I am 31 and still figuring it out.....And since this year is my Enjoying It! year, I would like to make some headway on this issue.

Reading CJane always have me thinking about my womanhood....

Happy Holidays!!




 

Exam Stress and Tender Mercies.....

Just a quick update: Slack blogging due to overload of school work...yuck!! I have finished the semester and I am now in examination period for the next 3 weeks!!

End of semester really gets to me, and actually, it pretty much starts after mid semester break - I need to protest, it is the most horrid break ever!!! Just when I start to get my academic groove on - its holidays, I have the kids home and can't study!.....So my motivation is pretty much down hill from there. the last 5 weeks is when I start skipping a few classes and have to drag myself through my homework. The feelings of wanting to quit happen in the last 2 weeks and peaks now as the exam period begins.

I was having a terrible weekend, I have a writing assignment due Wednesday and it is pretty much a culmination of all the semesters weekly hand ins and is worth 100% of my grade - no pressure! So I was freaking out because I didn't know how to start it and I couldn't think of anything else.....translated, I was pretty much doing nothing, well I lie - I read two short novels to distract myself, because all I could think of was what I was not doing - my assignment. Hate that feeling! It all came to a head yesterday in church - I just didn't want to do it anymore....who needs university anyway?? I was on the verge of tears all morning and I couldn't think of anything else.

I dragged myself to church - but I wasn't really there. Even though I was not in the mood to sing the hymns the words still stood out to me.....the opening hymn "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" pierced my heart a little and helped me remember that the Saviour was my friend - he atoned for me and not just for my sin.....my sorrow, my pain, my stress, my anxiety.....for exactly what I was feeling at that moment. I don't know what the sacrament hymn was, but the word "burden" was highlighted for me. I looked it up in the Topical Guide and opened Jeremiah 17:21 in the old Testament:

21 Thus saith the Lord; Take heed to yourselves, and bear no burden on the sabbath day, nor bring it in by the gates of Jerusalem;

By feeling like this I wasn't keeping the Sabbath - the spirit couldn't reach me at all. Not to mention that I was so distract that I had forgotten to fast at a time when I needed to most. So what use was trying to keep the Sabbath holy by not doing any study when I couldn't think of anything else??

So I prayed.....

Over and over through sacrament as I listened to the testimonies of the congregation - that Jesus Christ, through his atonement, could take away the unnecessary burden that I had placed upon myself that prevented me from doing what I knew I was capable of doing and also from feeling the spirit of the Sabbath and getting the most out of my Sunday.

I went to teach my unprepared lesson to my Primary Class - as turns out I had an extra class as well because their teacher couldn't make it....don't you love that?? But...

It was good.

 I don't how good the children thought it was - I tried to teach the principle the best I could by the scriptures in my unimaginative, unprepared way....but it was good because it helped me to forget my stress completely for those 50mins....and from then on my head was clear. I was able to enjoy my afternoon and see my upcoming task as achievable.

I am so incredibly grateful for the tender mercies of my Father in Heaven, and that He knows what I am dealing with and is willing to help me if I just put myself in a position to receive His help. I am so glad I made a good  choice and went to church when I really really didn't want to.



PS This is also part of my practice of blogging of spiritual things - it feels extremely awkward, but it's not something that I want to confine only to Sundays at church.