Hump Day.....

I couldn't be more happier to see the end of today, though the relief hasn't quite sunk in yet....I am still exhausted, incredibly cranky and the boys aren't quite asleep yet. 

Wednesday marks the end of my weekly homework, assessments, and most of my classes - by this time in the week I am constantly on the verge of tears, my house is a bomb, and I badly need to repent for all the expletives and harsh words that have come out of my mouth in the last three hours. 

*sigh* 

This is the point where I start to wonder why on earth I decided that full time study would be a good idea this year.....

Somebody please remind me!. 

I wished so hard tonight that Michael would come home, that he could put me to bed, take care of the children and clean the kitchen for me. It is his dancing night - which is cool - but I so badly wanted him here. It's all done, I managed, and the house is finally quite....thank goodness!

I know all I really need is a good night sleep - and to switch of my brain (mind numbing American sitcoms here I come!) and recharge it for tomorrow. 

It is a steep learning curve and I am trying so hard to roll with the changes I have had to make in my everyday life, and the priorities that I have had to shuffle around. 

The random moments of peace and clarity are what keep me going - every now and again during the week, when my mind is clear and unboggled and I get the chance to reflect.....I know this is what I am meant to be doing - .I love it, and wouldn't give up the challenges for anything!. 

But for now....

Bed.

Excitement Times Two.....

I am excited, and nervous at the same time - but I guess if you are not moving forward you are moving backwards...so they say.

I just completed my first week of full time study in my new degree, Accounting/Law if you are not in the know. And for the record, it is definitely as hard as I though it would be! (I should be studying right now) But I am feeling all 'swelly' in my chest about it  - you know what I mean - I feel like "this is for me", and I am loving it.

I walked into my first Law lecture confronted with a David Guetta house remix  (something like this) blaring through the theatre, and my lecturer wearing a funky "That Shop" style dress (though I think her style is perhaps slightly darker), and her hair - a bright pink mohawk!

Okaaaay.....a quick timetable check, and yes, it was the right theatre....Definitely, a first for me.

But she was passionate about the subject , she talked with conviction about her teaching techniques....and I really dug (yes I did...) the fact that she has such a strong sense of style in such an academic environment - and honestly, two outfits later, I want to know where she buys her clothes! Two outfits later because she is taking my 'Legal Writing' course as well.....and that's when it got awesome for me.....

I thought, although slightly interesting, Legal Writing would be one of those compulsory first year subjects I would just have to endure....not so. In two hours I was awakened to the fact, that maybe, I am a writer - in some respects. I have always loved words, stories, language - especially those that inspire deep thought and moral discussion....but never really felt creatively inclined.

It excites me, maybe I have found a place that my interests and skill can fit together....and make super cute legal babies in the process! hmmmm......watch this space!

And that is just the first of our big adventures  - my family of course, is coming along for the ride! (sorry in advance guys, its gonna get kinda crazy around here....)

Secondly, today, at about 2pm  - we settled on an investment property (apartment) near the city!.....I don't know if I mentioned it before - but I inherited this huge commitment by marriage.....just as Michael inherited the huge commitment of my gorgeous 'package deal' - in triplicate! I wasn't sure these two would go well together, and as it turns out, not many banks did either! But we found one, and as the ink is drying post settlement, I am digging out all my thrifty financial juggling skills I learned, out of necessity, from my previous life.

Change is adventurous people, and so is progress! Even with the challenges that I know we will be facing in the next five years (at least!) as a partnership and family, it is still sooooooo deliciously......

Exciting!!!!

Distance Makes The Heart Grow....

I have not seen Michael since Wednesday morning, he will be home tonight at about 9pm-ish and today is our first anniversary. I think its the longest he has been away since we have been married. The longest before that was when he went to New Zealand to pick his son up from his mission.

Surprisingly,

It's all good....(well mostly good - I need to teach him that a simple reply text to my early morning 'Happy Anniversary' one would have got a lot of husband points, instead of just returning my 4.10pm call....but anyway....working on it!)

Back to its all good, because it really is. I have missed him a lot since he has been away, but the space gave me time to notice how much I had changed since we first met. I have flourished, no doubt about it, and I know that it has been his constant love and support that has given me the confidence to stretch myself and to be more of what I know I can be. 


The thing is, I know Michael knows it, and I know he feels super chuffed that he could be that for me. I really noticed it today sitting at church - I managed to get the kids all ready for church and be early/on time, I had a lesson to teach and I wasn't freaking out! Not to mention I am about start a full on semester at Uni and study up for a tax consultancy job mid-year - and I think I can do it!


In this past year I have had more growth than I have had in the last 7 years! Don't get me wrong, I have been strengthened by the trials, the heart ache, the loneliness, the bad (really bad) decisions - it has been refining for me. And I wouldn't be right here, right now, feeling this good without them. My life or my spiritual progression over the past 3 years (for me they are synonymous - if I am in a good place spiritually all areas of my life are doing well and prospering) reminds me of parts of the allegory of the Olive Tree taught in Jacob 5 (from the Book of Mormon - learn more about it here)...It is actually about the scattering and gathering of Israel.


Jacob 5
verse 65
And as they begin to grow ye shall clear away the branches which bring forth bitter fruit, according to the strength of the good and the size thereof; and ye shall not clear away the bad thereof all at once, lest the roots thereof should be too strong for the graft, and the graft thereof shall perish, and I lose the trees of my vineyard.


verse 73
And there began to be the natural fruit again in the vineyard; and the natural branches began to grow and thrive exceedingly; and the wild branches began to be plucked off and to be cast away; and they did keep the root and the top thereof equal, according to the strength thereof. (italics added)


There was a time about 2 years ago when I was trying to rapidly progress with coming back to church, (I think it had to do with a boy *sigh* - Side bar: Ladies/Gents, do not let anyone rush you to be what you are not ready to be!! If they will not love you for who you are and where you are at - let them go!!) but still was not ready to let go of other parts of my lifestyle - needless to say I crashed and burned. Although it was hugely discouraging, the truth was...I just wasn't ready. 


Now is different though - I do feel like my progress is equal according to my strength and I appreciate and love Michael immensely for sticking by me and letting me be me, taking my life at my own pace, and loving me all the while. 


In my own funny, distracted way - this is my Valentine's/Anniversary gift to him - ME....evidence of the strength, beauty and goodness of our union.

Be Mine????

The Hard Things, And A Not-So-Good Day....

Yesterday didn't start off too well....My very-almost 9 year old was having a friend sleep over for his birthday and I was super cranky because the play room and the children's room were a mess and I was sick of cleaning up after them....bla bla bla....and the husband and I had had a 'conversation' about our finances which didn't do anything to improve my mood. I was quite possibly hormonal to add to it - so as you can see, the outlook for a productive day was pretty grim.

I was taking my 21 yo step-daughter to the airport and dropped the kids pretty early (8.05am) to school on the way. (I like to give them little opportunities for independence and responsibility - the older two were to look after the 5 year old and take him to class.)


I was trying to mentally motivate myself all the way to the airport, whilst having a mini bonding experience with B, which was pretty cool. (She has recently moved back in to our place - and its good to have her back...)

I wasn't getting anywhere with the motivating so I called Mum who was holidaying with Dad down the road, hoping for some sort of distraction to delay my day. They already had plans and I was welcome to tag a long but I declined and then proceeded to sob it out in the car. As I was heading home (after some calls to Michael - men can be so insensitive sometimes!! - and more sobbing), I heard the traffic was bad on the highway so I made a detour which lead me straight past Babushka's house. She is 87 and awesome, and there was no way I could drive by without stopping for a visit regardless of how average I was feeling. She was really happy to see me and promptly offered me food. After 2 piroshki (mince filled bread pocket things) and some jarlsberg cheese (is there anything better?) I was feeling loads better emotionally, though still a bit queasy from all the stress.

We chatted about sewing and the bean bag I wanted to make, she took me into her sewing room to go through her materials to find a suitable fabric. Babushka's sewing room is brilliant! We settled on a roll of cream curtain material with red/pink flowers on it (to match my red cushions and dusty pinkish-brown leather couch. I then mentioned my struggles with trying to figure out how to fix my couch - the underneath of the middle seat was ripped and it had become a sink hole. I wanted to stitch it but I didn't have any thread strong enough and I was concerned I would need an upholstery needle. We talked, she found me some thread and gave me tips on sewing through the leather with a normal needle.


I had found my motivation!!


After the short visit my spirits were lifted considerably and I was all pumped to fix my couch. However, on the way home I was so incredibly sleepy that it was almost dangerous - so I fell into bed on my return. After 15minutes, which felt like a blink, I got a call from Master very-almost nine's school saying he wasn't feeling well and wanted to come home. I had my reservations - he had had a late night (we went swimming and had dinner with Mum and Dad) but how can you argue when your child has gone to sick bay and the school calls you?? So I went to pick him up - then I was doing my couch.

And I did.


And it feels awesomely normal to sit on.


It took me two hours of stitching and pricking myself.


But I did it!


I didn't get a whole lot of anything else done except a brief tidy, some grocery shopping and dinner (home made pizza at the birthday boys request) - but the satisfaction of a long-put-off-job completed will last me, at least, the whole weekend!


Which leads me to a bit of a side track - why do I/we leave things to the very last minute? To the point that the said task because so urgent that there is not other choice but to do it? I could have fixed the couch ages ago when the rip wasn't even half as bad as when I fixed it (did I mention I fixed the couch???)

I also did my Brazil Butt Lift this morning after a long while of not doing it because the DVD died - easily remedied with Michael's AV receiver. I don't know why I stopped, especially since I got results! Why did I have to wait until my butt became unbearable (to me), to start again??

So many questions!

But the point is - I found my motivation, and beat that not-so-good day - and fixed my couch!


It feels good.

Getting It Back....

My slightly off week culminated this morning as we ran out the door late for church to the soundtrack of me yelling at the kids. Not cool.

How it started.....

I have been pottering around since the children went back to school...gym/running, basic cleaning, time with myself - but I have felt lonely, entirely unproductive and have not had the desire to do anything greater than that or enjoy the time I had to myself. Although, I must the admit the constant rain hasn't helped - aside from motivating me to mop the floor more often! (There is something about wanting my family to come home to clean floors on rainy days...)


So this morning I was sitting in sacrament meeting praying my frustrated heart out because I wasn't feeling it - and yes, going from yelling to reverence is kinda hard - and I really wanted to be feeling it. 


As I partook of the sacrament I was brutally aware of all the things I needed to repent of, and how I felt like I was constantly falling short of the person I wanted and was striving to be. I wanted to grade myself with a big phat "Fail" and my eyes leaked as I listened to the speakers. I knew that I hadn't been trying my best and that I needed to get back on course. 

My fervent prays were heard, and the words of the hymns resonated with my soul......The only one I remember is the last....listen to it here

More Holiness Give Me

More holiness give me, more strivings within.

More patience in suffering, more sorrow for sin.

More faith in my Savior, more sense of His care.

More joy in His service, more purpose in prayer.

More gratitude give me, more trust in the Lord.

More zeal for His glory, more hope in His Word.

More tears for His sorrows, more pain at His grief.

More meekness in trial, more praise for relief.

More purity give me, more strength to o'ercome,

More freedom from earth-stains, more longings for home.

More fit for the kingdom, more useful I'd be,

More blessèd and holy, more, Savior, like Thee.

After my little reflective teary, I  was able to focus and enjoy the rest of my classes and by the end of church my spirit was lifted, I was happy. And as I type this I have regained again my conviction and zest for life - I have remembered all the things I was wanting to achieve in this little "holiday" before university starts back...and I have promised myself I would not neglect my Visiting Teaching sisters another week even if I am temporarily companion-less! 

Here's to an awesome week ahead!!! 

PS. While we were in church Michael leaned over and inquired as to the origins of my sookiness. When I told him, his response was to remind me of myself two years ago - I remembered, and maybe shuddered a little. I have come a long way since then. I think I will save that memory, for the time again when my eyes are leaking for my inadequacies and failures. I will remind myself how important it is to look back every so often....and see how far I have come. 

Enjoying It....

I have been doing a lot of blog reading these holidays (Blogs are the new holiday novels for me - the reality TV version, maybe...but far more quality viewing most definitely). One blog in particular, 'CJane , Enjoy It' - Its taking me ages because I decided to read her blog from the beginning. The thing I like about blogs - the honest ones - is that there is no agenda. Its a journey you take as a reader and you gain your own insights from someone else's life experiences....it always reminds me of a saying I heard from a John Bytheway tape back when I was a teenager (note to parents, and to my future self: Teenagers Do Listen). It was a twist on a Chinese Proverb..."A wise man learns from experience, a super wise man learns from others experiences." 

CJane is a writer and began her blog writing about being infertile and enjoying it. In the course of 5 years (I am only up to 2010) she wrote about accepting her infertility, then she became pregnant and wrote about that, and then her baby and experience with motherhood. Then her sister and brother-in-law were in a serious plane crash and she looked after their three children for six months (along with her super supportive family) while they recovered - and wrote about that. Then she got pregnant again....(anyway, you get the picture). Sprinkle that with humour, spirituality, body/food issues, a stud of a husband, a touch sarcasm and a delightful dose of humble narcissism and you have a brilliant blog....and the reason why I have had to be dragged out of the house for the last month and have been having bizarre dreams about a person I don't even know. (Not weird at all!)

So anyway, you have the background. Yesterday I read this post about how there is seasons in our lives for everything and she was in a her season for babies. That she just really needed be there, enjoy it and forget about the rest, for the moment. It got me thinking about my season for babies....and I got a little angry.

I thought about how my (then) husband over shadowed my life with his needs, his discontent, his anger, his mental issues, his art, his music, his life - so much so, that it over shadowed my season of babies. I thought about how unfair it was that I spent my pregnancies, my labours,my baby time.... stressing, and dealing with somebody else problems. Often it felt like I had one extra toddler instead of a husband to support me. Of course I loved him, which was why I spent those years completely torn between my children and my husband, and losing all sense of myself - in addition to severely hampering my ability to enjoy that precious time of my life and the life of my children. Instead I spent those years simply surviving and hoping that my babies would get enough from me, that they would turn out ok. 

Don't get me wrong I had parts to play in that time being how it was, I can't put all the blame on him. (Unfortunately!) It's because of this that I sometimes wish for that time back, and sometimes that wish turns into wanting another baby. But I know that it is only for wanting to have that season again - and hoping to do it better a second time around and to have the chance to enjoy it more. I am pretty certain my time is over though, and that saddens me, because although I made the choice I wasn't ready for it....and I have yet to make peace with the wanting. This is compounded by the fact that my youngest starts school next week - and its hurting. 

I chose to marry somebody who physically couldn't have anymore children (although if I desperately wanted it, I know he would find a way)and I knowingly moved on to the next phase in my life. With the help of a blog (thank you CJane!), I have made the decision this year to really enjoy my season of life - of older children, university, nurturing my talents and serving others - in particular my family, I have no excuses this time - they should be getting all of me. 

I choose to enjoy it!

My Brilliant Day And New Years Resolutioning....In Review (Part 2)

This Sunday has been fabulous....I wish I could bottle the sweet (a word so cheesy and over used, but I know no other to satisfy my description) spirit that has accompanied me this day.

Its gentle nudging insights throughout my classes

the unity I felt with the other women in Relief Society

The awesome feeling as I made lunch for me family, man, I love those guys!

Watching my wonderful husband bonding with the children - he committed to watching "Spiderman" with Master J, and to helping Ash build his catapult. (He also drove away because I was 20mins late coming out of church....but he did come back before I even knew he left, so I forgive him).

I hope I can maintain this feeling for the rest of the day....and most of all, I hope I can remember it.


I can't think of a better time to finish my 2011 goal review......

7. Follow the '5 Laws of Gold'
I felt so inspired by that book when I read it (YOU have to read it!) and ever since, almost every pay, I and then we (when we got married) have put aside 10% of our money, in addition to tithing for 'jingle money' (read the book!). This is money for investment purposes only - to assist in the making of more money for ourselves and our family. I admit, I haven't been perfect, I have dipped into it a few times - but on the whole I have been pretty good with it (The 'I' because I am the boss of this one!). This shall most certainly be a continuing practice - I endeavour to do better this year.

8. Compete in the West Coast Swing Dance Championships in October
This didn't happen. I was all set to, but I could not justify the costs involved at the time. 
However,I did make the finals in the Jack and Jill competition at Swingsation last year....and I am aiming high this year!

9. Start a vegetable garden/Food Sorage
Well, I started a herb garden. However, only 3 of the 6 sets of seeds I planted sprouted....found out some that I thought were successfully growing were weeds = fail. At the moment I have parsley, thyme (doing very well, and will be super great in the vegetable soup I have been craving to make all day), and chives (kinda dismal). So, clearly I still have a lot to learn about gardening...progress is good though, right? I may try some flowers this year too. 

I can happily say I have started building my food storage! 

Humble beginnings....in addition to my pantry

I now have a cupboard dedicated to it (too messy for a photo) - not expanding as fast as I would like, but doing well. Keep up the good work me!! 

10. Get a part time job in accounting

Not successful at all! I have applied for lots of jobs, had one promising interview and re-written my application letter so many times, that it's brilliant. I would be begging me to give me a job based on my letter! (Yes, it is THAT good!) I have been praying and fasting for months and concluded that maybe it wasn't the right time for me to be working and studying. Or maybe there is something better waiting for me. Regardless I have no job, but I am still trying to be positive and staying focused on my studies and my family. 

11. Do well in my studies

WIN! I did great this year! 3 D-istinctions and one C-redit. It was getting a Distinction in Business Law that gave me the confidence I needed to go hard and apply for the combined Accounting/Law degree I had considered, but needed higher grades to get into. I worked really hard and am very happy with my results - Yes, I am hoping for more this year!

12. Less Facebooking....More Blogging

I don't know how successful I been on this one. I am thinking I did not do as much blogging as I would have liked...but oh, how I love Facebook! This girl loves to share and good ol' FB knows it - endless statuses (random, insightful, amusing - hopefully), sharing music via my second best friend YouTube, photos, links.....Facebook I love you! and lets not forget my love affair with Google....but that is a whole other post in itself! And of course, I was studying really hard (see above). 

A quite successful year I would think. But I am wondering, there must be something said for the Law of Attraction and the nature of Goals in general. Although I did not review my list often, or at all - I did well accomplishing, to some degree, almost everything I set out to do. Maybe this year I will do a vision board and knock my goals out of the park!

Is it too presumptuous to add a kitchen like this to my vision board??
Although this doesn't have a breakfast bar for sitting and chatting - I need that!