2013:Gratitude

I haven't reviewed the previous year, and I haven't posted anything about our holiday or Christmas.....right now we are in post-Tasmania holiday mode, we survived, and we are chilling in Moe, Victoria with Michael's mum. I hope we are not too much trouble for her! I am really enjoying her company, and the company of cousins and family, and cooking.

Anyway....

I saw Les Miserables yesterday - I am very familiar with the musical, and I didn't want to go (but it was a girl date and Nanna hadn't been to the movies for years). I knew it would be heart wrenchingly sad, and that I would cry, a lot. IT WAS SO SAD....and I am still thinking about it. When I hear or watch stories of other peoples horrendous struggles, I feel so guilty for my life. Its not fair!! Who am I  that I get to have a comfortable life while other people suffer in situations out of their control? The flip side of this emotion is that I feel incredibly grateful - and extra mindful not to take my life for granted.

I have been feeling grateful a lot lately, scattered thoughts throughout my days. But my gratitude hasn't felt sufficient somehow. I remember telling Michael a few weeks ago, when I was feeling particularly blessed, that I wish that Heavenly Father still required us to offer physical sacrifices to him. I felt like I needed a tangible offering of my gratitude.

So when someone put the question out there on Facebook, asking what new years resolutions others had....it came to me - this year I would focus on gratitude.

365 Days of Gratitude 

For My Posterity.....

It's that time of year again - my birthday! This year, however, it seems to be over shadowed by Christmas parties. At 7am we have our ward Christmas party at our favourite lake - Michael gets out of making me breakfast - and that afternoon is our early family Christmas party - and again Michael gets out of making me dinner and cake.....all I had actually wanted him to do for me. How convenient!

It doesn't really bother me though - I get to spend time with my family and I still don't have to cook. Although I am bringing a chocolate cherry trifle to the festivities - my latest dabbling in dessert-ery.

I have one gift request for my birthday however - I had been wanting it for awhile, but I still had to put the pressure on. I would love my blog turned into a book!! Not that I am a super fabulous writer or anything (soooo far from it!), it is because I want a record of myself and my life accessible to my children and my children's children (etc).

History and heritage has always been important to me, I have often wished that I had known how my great grandparents negotiated life, what they thought about, what their strengths and weaknesses were. Did I have any inherited traits - did anyone else obsess over love dancing too???

So Michael - with a tiny bit of help from me on the editing side - is putting year 1 (2010) together for me. (We are using au.blurb.com) I wrote a lot that year! Even just skimming through it, there is so much that I had forgotten about. Poignant spiritual experiences, life learning experiences and just a plain record of my journey.

I am so glad I started writing.

Permission To Stop....?? And The Cake....Finally!

I don't get sick very often.....maybe once or twice a year.....(I think) and sometime last month I was having a "sick fantasy". I was stressing out over uni and there was so much to do with the kids I just wanted a break - I hoped, just a little, that I would get sick so that I could rest.

Sick fantasies are just like any other fantasies though - they are a nice idea, but the reality is not nearly so awesome......

So my fantasy came true, on the day of my daughter's 8th birthday, right in the middle of my giant cupcake making effort, a week before my major assignment was due and 2 days before I was doing a 10km charity run - the timing couldn't have been more inconvenient!

I had finished the chocolate base (the 2nd attempt) that morning and had just baked the cake and cupcakes (for school)...I had a bit of a head ache which I though was a little unusual since I don't often get them, so I drank more water. Brier then asked me if I wanted to go to Spotlight with her to look for decorative items for her wedding. Feeling a little anxious about the cake, but not wanting to turn down quality time with her - I agreed. She helped me ice the cupcakes and we dropped them off to Amelie's class just as the first break bell went. It felt like such a hassle to do, but I am glad I did because she was so happy to share her birthday treats with her friends....and she loved my cream cheese icing!

All was well until the trip home - then the wall of pain hit me. Aching all over - Uh oh....."Brier, I think I am sick." (I always find it fascinating how fast the flu attacks....it is probably more subtle than that, but it feels like within 30mins you go from feeling fine to having to go to bed!)

As a good mum I had promised Amelie her choice of dinner that night, and her birthday request was lasagna. So on top of the cake I had that to make as well. Again - the timing was impeccable! (curse you unrealistic sick fantasy!) I got as far as making the bolognese mince that afternoon and was assembling the cake when Michael got home. 

This is as far as I got....

The assembly could have been way better, but I didn't care - I was in pain and my head
was swimming....

I couldn't do anymore, I had to admit defeat. I apologised to Amelie, and told her she would have to have cake tomorrow night so I could finish it properly, and that dinner would be spaghetti bolognese instead. She was gorgeous and understanding and Michael sent me to bed.

I spent the next day on the couch, while the kids were at school, watching Season 1 of Royal Pains....as sick as I was, I still felt bad for doing it....

Side bar: Why is it that I/we (as mother's) need an excuse as extreme as illness to grant ourselves permission to stop?? I have found, excuse or not - it doesn't work.....I still feel guilty thoughts pricking the back of my mind that I should be doing something....anything!! Even if I am couch ridden with the flu.....ugh, Guilt.....oh how I loathe thy companionship!

After picking the kids up from school I called Amelie over and said "Look, I feel terrible - I need your help so that I can finish your cake this afternoon and we can take it to Babushka's tonight". We were staying at my grandmothers for the night so that I would be close to where I was running - I still had hopes that I would be feeling well enough.

Once again she was wonderfully understanding and eager to help me. I had an idea in mind for the icing to be very bright, and originally I wanted to pipe it on....

Icing Side Bar: I am not a fan of icing, its pretty but it tastes like straight sugar, or really buttery sugar. I refuse to sacrifice taste for pretty so I try and experiment with different icings. For previous birthdays I have done a ganache glaze or whipped ganache - this time I wanted to try cream cheese frosting....

....But as it turns out, there is not a lot else that holds its shape well when piped other than butter cream frosting and the heat here doesn't help matters...so I decided to go slightly easier on myself and just spread it on. Amelie and I decided on icing colours and used some lollies that she bought for her birthday - and....

Birthday Cake magic happened.....

It was fabulous!

and tasted great too!!

I don't think we actually ate any until the next day - Ami had overdosed on eating the icing while was were decorating.....

And no I didn't make the charity run. I was devastated! It is not often I get to actually use my ability to run for a cause. *sad face*

Free.....

I had to take a moment, I wanted to share this feeling before I lost it.....I have been listening to this song over and over this morning and it has my heart exploding with gratitude....



Unfortunately I couldn't find a live version, so you will just have to use your imagination, cause  nothing beats John Legend at a piano.....

I am so very grateful for my freedom - 
To live in a free country where I can live how I choose,
To be free from poverty,
from violence and harm.
To be free from the invisible chains of addiction, anger, and self loathing.
To be free to love and to speak my mind.
Today I feel blessed,
That I am free to be me.

But - 
My heart also breaks for all those that are not. For those that are forgotten and hurting. For those that are not free to express themselves, that are bound by poverty and fear.

For those that don't know the joys of what it feels like to be free.

Baking Freaks Me Out!.....

Well, if you know me.....or at the very least, were privy to my intense bouts of of baking, you would be thinking....what the...??!

The 'actual' baking doesn't freak me out - I like to make cakes - I think I make a good fabulous chocolate mud cake, and my one (thus far) attempt at a sponge was not too shabby....not to mention my successful dabblings in ganache...

So let me clarify....

Cupcakes freak me out!....Cake decorating freaks me out! Cutting my cake into layers, and icing, and piping freaks me out!!

It is the fiddliness of it all. *shudder* It drives me nuts, and causes me all kinds of stress and trauma.

 So what am I doing for my daughters 8th birthday....Today?

A giant cupcake, layered and iced and......decorated. With a chocolate cupcake liner no less!

Why, oh why, oh why did I feel so ambitious!

Cause I love my baby girl, and I am totally enamoured with the image of a huge cupcake with bright multicoloured Dr Seuss-esque icing on top.

However....it is 6am on the day of, and the chocolate liner won't come out the of the tin - eek.....You know how some people thrive under pressure -

I am not one of them.

How good is this?? Mind you, nothing like how mine is going to look -
especially at this rate!

7:07am - I would just like to add that I have finally got the chocolate liner out of the tin!! But since the base is an inch thick and I am feeling more confident - I am going to melt it down and do it again to make it better.

Amelie is was so proud of me - "Wow, great job Mum!" with the biggest smile on her smile.

A Tender Reminder....

The last post has been hovering in my mind for days - I loathe to leave my blog on such a downer! Plus, I had to share the tender mercies that got me through the crazy week....

After I dropped the kids at school that day my step-daughter, who currently lives with us - but is hardly ever home, rocked up with her fiance for a day of hanging and getting ready for a pre-wedding photo-shoot. Yay for me, as that lovely young man is a worthy priesthood holder and I nervously asked if he would mind giving me a blessing to help me be calm. It was wonderful - and helped me remember that my Father in heaven wants me to ask for help and is eager to bless me.

Minutes later I had a my Visiting Teachers coming over, a visit they had organised earlier in the week. They were new to me, one of them I was already friendly with and had her family over to dinner before - but still in the early days of a new friendship, and the other I had never met before. I have been been blessed with awesome VT's!! So grateful for them - on top of bringing a basket of chocolates (Yay!!) I totally connected with them, and really felt like I could be myself. I was so (so so so) grateful for their visit - it helped me feel normal - instead of a total head case!

Then...

The next day while running I was listening to the Saturday morning session of this most recent General Conference. The second song was How Firm A Foundation  (click in the link!! powerful and amazing!), such an awesome song. More poignant as one night a couple of months ago I had the lyrics running through my mind the entire night as I slept. I awoke to search down the name of the hymn because I didn't know it off the top of my head. So hearing that song, right then, a midst my anxiety....I had 'a moment'. Running in the early morning sun with tears running down my cheeks.

1.How firm a foundation ye saints of the Lord,

Is laid for your faith in his excellent word;

What more can he say than to you he hath said?

You, who unto Jesus, for refuge have fled.

2.In ev'ry condition - in sickness in health,

In poverty's vale, or abounding in wealth,

At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea,

As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

3.Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed!

For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;

I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand. 

7.The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes:

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never - no, never, no, never forsake!"

In that moment I knew that my God had my back! - and that as hard as it all seemed right then, I would get through it. 

My special moment....

I slogged away for the next few days, gradually understanding more and more of the topic. My group was fabulous and although I couldn't complete the full problem by myself, my contribution was solid and we submitted, with relief for all involved, with plenty of time until deadline. I would just like to say that I was not the only member in our group that was brought to tears by the baffling phenomena that is Consolidations!!

So my sob story had a Happy Ending - one that I could not neglect to share.

Girl Interrupted....

Feeling absolutely insane at the moment - have been in tears since - almost - the moment I woke up. It is stress - something my body doesn't deal well with at all. The cause - my university subject. Slightly weird considering I totally smashed last semester with the best grades so far and 4.5 times the work load -  and now I am barely coping with this one subject.

In my defense, it is crazy hard....and trying to get my head around it, and run a household, negotiating 3 children - it's pushing me over the edge. I am finding myself in a really dark place that I never wanted to see again - let alone my husband - he doesn't know what to do except hug me and tell me he doesn't care what result I get, as long as I don't give up.

Relatively calmer now, but that is 2 Valiums later - low dose (left over from a neck injury - I loathe prescription meds).....but I didn't know what else to do. I was too mental to function, was ready to run away because I couldn't handle another day of an anxious chest, of yelling at my kids and having Michael and his daughter witness it all.

It is horrible feeling that out of control, having to resist urges to break things in frustration and  not being able to quiet my thoughts enough to even get on my knees and ask for help. I want/ed a priesthood blessing but it all seems to hard - to call my home teachers, knowing they both work and have families...and from experience, having to wait two days for it and then second guessing myself as to the urgency of it - to explain that it was important NOW and I needed help now! Times like this I curse my body, my mind - I feel trapped by it. I know what a burden it is to be around someone struggling with mental health - and I don't want to be that person.

Wishing I didn't feel so alone right now.