As it turns out, I haven't blogged properly for over a year....What stopped me was feeling like I had to edit myself for the few people that actually read it, and know me socially. I felt like some of them (definitely) wouldn't be able to identify with things that I was/am dealing with and would judge me as a being weird, self absorbed or shallow.
So I just closed myself off.
It wasn't just blogging either...over the past six months I have done it with church as well. I don't think it was about someone, but they were probably the catalyst - another woman disapproved of something that I was sharing with members of my local congregation and deemed it inappropriate.....I did not agree and I know others didn't either. But the fact that I was sharing myself and my talents, and because it had taken effort to expose that part of myself - it really burnt.
I guess it is a not so unfamiliar feeling to others - but I hate being disapproved of, my self esteem cannot handle it. So I usually just avoid situations or exposing things about myself that can warrant disapproval....
I have to admit, it is quite exhausting - for starters people disapprove of the darndest things, and there is another part of myself that just wants to be open and carefree 'this is who I am!!!' - consequently, I feel regularly torn and angry with myself.
All of these emotions are still very real to me - I still feel intensely insecure and not good enough/don't fit in for church, dancing, friends, my family (parents, brothers, step-children), my children, university - I get anxious/depressed over ridiculous things and I drink at every social opportunity (although social drinking opportunities are infrequent) because I am getting more and more socially awkward and I just want to be around people and feel relaxed and not care what others think of me!
*Sigh*.....I would love to be free to be more unashamedly real.....