(Blogs are the new holiday novels for me - the reality TV version, maybe...but far more quality viewing most definitely). One blog in particular, 'CJane , Enjoy It' - Its taking me ages because I decided to read her blog from the beginning. The thing I like about blogs - the honest ones - is that there is no agenda. Its a journey you take as a reader and you gain your own insights from someone else's life experiences....it always reminds me of a saying I heard from a John Bytheway tape back when I was a teenager (note to parents, and to my future self: Teenagers Do Listen). It was a twist on a Chinese Proverb..."A wise man learns from experience, a super wise man learns from others experiences."
CJane is a writer and began her blog writing about being infertile and enjoying it. In the course of 5 years (I am only up to 2010) she wrote about accepting her infertility, then she became pregnant and wrote about that, and then her baby and experience with motherhood. Then her sister and brother-in-law were in a serious plane crash and she looked after their three children for six months (along with her super supportive family) while they recovered - and wrote about that. Then she got pregnant again....(anyway, you get the picture). Sprinkle that with humour, spirituality, body/food issues, a stud of a husband, a touch sarcasm and a delightful dose of humble narcissism and you have a brilliant blog....and the reason why I have had to be dragged out of the house for the last month and have been having bizarre dreams about a person I don't even know. (Not weird at all!)
So anyway, you have the background. Yesterday I read this post about how there is seasons in our lives for everything and she was in a her season for babies. That she just really needed be there, enjoy it and forget about the rest, for the moment. It got me thinking about my season for babies....and I got a little angry.
I thought about how my (then) husband over shadowed my life with his needs, his discontent, his anger, his mental issues, his art, his music, his life - so much so, that it over shadowed my season of babies. I thought about how unfair it was that I spent my pregnancies, my labours,my baby time.... stressing, and dealing with somebody else problems. Often it felt like I had one extra toddler instead of a husband to support me. Of course I loved him, which was why I spent those years completely torn between my children and my husband, and losing all sense of myself - in addition to severely hampering my ability to enjoy that precious time of my life and the life of my children. Instead I spent those years simply surviving and hoping that my babies would get enough from me, that they would turn out ok.
Don't get me wrong I had parts to play in that time being how it was, I can't put all the blame on him. (Unfortunately!) It's because of this that I sometimes wish for that time back, and sometimes that wish turns into wanting another baby. But I know that it is only for wanting to have that season again - and hoping to do it better a second time around and to have the chance to enjoy it more. I am pretty certain my time is over though, and that saddens me, because although I made the choice I wasn't ready for it....and I have yet to make peace with the wanting. This is compounded by the fact that my youngest starts school next week - and its hurting.
I chose to marry somebody who physically couldn't have anymore children (although if I desperately wanted it, I know he would find a way)and I knowingly moved on to the next phase in my life. With the help of a blog (thank you CJane!), I have made the decision this year to really enjoy my season of life - of older children, university, nurturing my talents and serving others - in particular my family, I have no excuses this time - they should be getting all of me.
I choose to enjoy it!