'Motherhood'.....

"Motherhood is about accepting the limitations of time and energy, which stretch beyond you. Even though sometimes it feels like they could consume you. Search for and hold onto your own true self. If you lose that, what kind of mother can you be?"

Just watched a fabulous movie - "Motherhood" - its been a while since I have stumbled on a film that is all the things I want it to be - emotionally moving  and thought provoking....life changing even.

* * * * * 

I actually had a great night with the kids tonight - everyone was out, so it felt (just for a night) like our own home. The kids ate 2 min noodles, cheerios, and yogurt - and me, cheerios (and popcorn and chocolate when they went to bed :) ), I let them get a little crazy. I was involved....and most of all I didn't get cranky. I didn't have anywhere to be, or that I wanted to be - just chilling out with my family....and it was brilliant.

I am kind of looking forward to having no license and being house bound - the chance to get back to where I belong....with my children...even when they are sleeping. I know I have been living a double life (some would say triple...but I am debating that!!)  for awhile now. My children have been competing with my 'passions' for attention....and that is not good. They shouldn't have to compete, they should know that they have access to me all the time.

So from now on....

It's more of this.....

and less of this....

and a WHOLE lot more of this....

and a WHOLE lot less of this...

I PROMISE!!

I will still have passions - because they are important....and I know what it is to live without them....but they are not my life - my children are.....Regardless of my situation.

Just to clarify - this post is sounding like I am a hugely neglectful of my children - I am not....I love them more than anything! There is not a single night that passes, no matter what I am doing, that I don't check them before I go to bed, re-tuck them, kiss them and tell them I love them.....

That's Rad!

I love people that use the word 'rad'....seriously......

Its an awesome word and even more fantastic cause "others" think its soooo daggy.

If you appreciate the 'rad-ness' of anything we are instant friends. :)

Problem Solving......

Jeans didn't fit.....the only way I would feel better was if they did....

So I got a new pair. 

Cheap cheap cheap....was the aim. I happened to score a pair for $30 in Jay Jays that fit better than more expensive ones and looked just as good.....YAY! 

Awesome jeans....and awesome-er top (BEP 2009 tour shirt)

Now I feel great and my wardrobe has some size flexibility...*happy sigh*

Holding It All In.....

"ME"- Raw and unadulterated.....it ain't pretty :)

So I haven't blogged for awhile.....times have been kind of hard and instead of being negative and depressing on occasion I just decided not to 'write'. So was talking to Ms "This Girl Loves To Talk" today and blogs came up - as they do :) and I started feeling a little guilty for holding back - I know I am not the only one struggling from time to time  - but lately I feel like a crazy mum/woman that doesn't have it together at all, and just maybe I suck too much to contribute anything noteworthy to the 'blog world'.....but unfortunately being as brutally open about myself as I am it was bound to come exploding out at some point.....so prepare for an 'Elliot Reid Moment' ....(I love Scrubs!)


My face is driving me nuts! - I have been constantly breaking out for the last year and a half and its just not getting better, and I feel intensely self conscious and frustrated. I am seeing a Homeopath to try some homeopathy to clear it up.....(ps don't need any advice on skin, I have heard it all!) The problem with this is, for it to get better it has to get worse - and not just my skin, all the other things that don't feel quite right.....so basically I feel like a crazy person! Frustrated, irritable, angry, highly emotional and insecure....all my issues magnified....nice. *sigh*

On Top Of That....

I have an injury that is affecting my running - so I haven't been able to do it much at all....I am putting on weight, despite reasonably good eating habits (my body is awesome like that), which I feel crap about. Haven't had the energy/motivation to keep up my weights training as much either. Trying to maintain a healthy body image is hard - even though I know I am fit and healthy...suffering from the "will he love me anyway?" paranoia in a major way.....all adding to my current frustration....

 And the usual....single mum of three kids (including a 3 year old who just ramped up his assertiveness training!), university and dancing on the side (though not so much of that at the moment) - having a bit trouble telling the difference between my churning emotions and the 'normal' life stresses.

Very minor issues - I wish I had a decent camera, and I want a nice looking blog, having problems finding a layout I like! ....And want to learn html so I can do it myself.

On a good note - Church is fantastic and I have an awesome man in my life.....so YAY!

So thats why I haven't been blogging - feeling like a huge loser because I am not coping well.....but I do feel a lot better after that emotional outburst.....:)