Friday, August 29, 2014

A Life of Adventure....?

Do you ever wish you could vicariously live someone else's life?......

I guess that is a little bit of a stupid question - because of course! The evidence is firmly in our cultural obsession with movies, books, TV shows etc....

You see, I was having this thought lying in bed at approx 8.30am - because I didn't really feel like getting up and getting on with my day....it is a public holiday for us - The Show Holiday - although I haven't really seen much advertisement for it this year....and we are not going. But, public holidays are good, because we are all at home, without the usual Saturday or Sunday commitments...

Anyway, so I was lying it bed being a bum and quite enjoying it after a couple of 3am study sessions this week...and thinking about how it would be nice to trade my life for some adventure....However, the point is that it is now 3 hours later and I have put on and hung out washing, swept the floor, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the toilets, made my bed, chatted to the neighbour, dusted the living area, denied Amelie's request to cook in my clean kitchen, then reneged and let her cook as long as she didn't need supervision (a chocolate cake is in the oven - I can smell it now!), and had a shower and made myself presentable....oh yeah and bought tickets to Soulfest and called hubby a few times and tentatively tried to organised an early father's day celebration for tomorrow....

I don't have time to live a life of adventure!! I still have a long list of things to do  - the usual 'taking care of my family' business, including a couple of hours of law reading and an online quiz to do by midnight....so by the time I finish everything I will be totally shagged and all I will want to do is vicariously get involved in someone else's emotionally tumultuous, adventure of a life via TV or the book sitting next to my bed. 


Hmmm....


I currently wish I had more eps of this...."Outlander"


Friday, August 22, 2014

Exposed.....

As it turns out, I haven't blogged properly for over a year....What stopped me was feeling like I had to edit myself for the few people that actually read it, and know me socially. I felt like some of them  (definitely) wouldn't be able to identify with things that I was/am dealing with and would judge me as a being weird, self absorbed or shallow.

So I just closed myself off.

It wasn't just blogging either...over the past six months I have done it with church as well. I don't think it was about someone, but they were probably the catalyst - another woman disapproved of something that I was sharing with members of my local congregation and deemed it inappropriate.....I did not agree and I know others didn't either. But the fact that I was sharing myself and my talents, and because it had taken effort to expose that part of myself - it really burnt.

I guess it is a not so unfamiliar feeling to others - but I hate being disapproved of, my self esteem cannot handle it. So I usually just avoid situations or exposing things about myself that can warrant disapproval....

I have to admit, it is quite exhausting - for starters people disapprove of the darndest things, and there is another part of myself that just wants to be open and carefree 'this is who I am!!!' - consequently, I feel regularly torn and angry with myself.

Argh!!!

All of these emotions are still very real to me - I still feel intensely insecure and not good enough/don't fit in for church, dancing, friends, my family (parents, brothers, step-children), my children, university - I get anxious/depressed over ridiculous things and I drink at every social opportunity (although social drinking opportunities are infrequent) because I am getting more and more socially awkward and I just want to be around people and feel relaxed and not care what others think of me!


*Sigh*.....I would love to be free to be more unashamedly real.....