The last few weeks of Sunday teaching for me had been getting harder and harder. I was completely bogged down by feelings of obligation in almost every area of my life. I would be preparing my lesson on Sunday morning and thinking "I don't want to be doing this...", "how I can I testify and teach about this principle if I am just not feeling it?" Church for me is different from other aspects of my life, the rest just grind on no matter how I am feeling, but my religious experience is so completely dependant on my spiritual health. This means that in order for me to fully serve my Primary class and I need to be nourished. And yes, I know we are all up and down sometimes with our commitment and attention to spiritual things but I didn't feel like I was getting any better. I started not wanting to go to church at all.
This all came to a head on that Sunday. I had 12 children to teach because one of the other teachers wasn't there. It happens, teaching is a voluntary role. Which was fine, really, because it was my old class so I knew them well. The problem started when I realised that I had prepared the wrong lesson, because I have been away for 2 weeks (one for a dancing commitment and the other, because I just couldn't drag myself there) and I misjudged where we were up to. The children had already had the lesson that I was about to teach. So instead of rehashing it I decided to have a quiz.
I am not a person that functions well thinking on my feet, so it was a little messy from the beginning. What made it worse was that two brothers that I normally have my individual classes who are fine by themselves, together were a nightmare! They were hiding under chairs and and being totally distracting. We are not a school, not qualified teachers so we do not discipline - if we encounter bad behaviour (this was a first time for me) we are required to take the child to their parents. Problem is these two boys would not listen, the wouldn't come out of class at all. Eventually the Primary President came in took control - and I was happy to give it, but them I was barely holding it together.
After class I was a wreck. I sat it the toilet, crying and praying. I couldn't do it any more.
I didn't want to ask for a release, because that just isn't done, well it is, but I guess it shouldn't be. At least that it how I felt. You accept you calling to serve until it is over. The flip side was that if I couldn't stop teaching I was going to stop going to church. I was hiding from all of the Primary ladies but one found me and took me to the mother's room and I cried again as I shared with her how I was feeling. Like a complete failure, that's what! She told me that it was far better for me to stop teaching than to stop going to church over it. She also expressed her gratitude to me for being such a reliable teacher over the past year - and told me not to feel like a failure. (Trying to!) It was important for me to take care of myself first.
So I walked out of church that Sunday relieved and completely grateful.
Then I took a break. Blogging had started to feel like an obligation too. Instead stopping however I have decided to modify - I think I need reduce my posts to every second day, or every week. I will see how it goes.
These past 11 days I have been grateful for....
My blow up that Sunday. For without it being so difficult nothing would have come of it and I would still be trying to grind on, feeling worse every week. I am grateful for the opportunity to get back to me and to focus on my spiritual experience every Sunday.
Surviving another week of school. It always feels like that, I just manage to get my homework or my readings done the morning - or half hour - before my classes. I wish I could get on top of it more, although it feels like this is just the nature of full time study with a family. I acknowledge there is space for me to try harder though, so I am not so frazzled all the time. Working on it!
My thrifty husband. I love that he is so responsible and cautious with our financial circumstances. Sometimes his thrift is quite hilarious though.....I like to buy the children dressing gowns or winter PJs for Easter and this year mum bought them PJs and I was buying the dressing gowns. I was talking about it with Michael and of course he said we can't afford it, which was followed by the response 'I will make them myself'. It is the usual response and has been quite a running joke with me, because often it is in response to things he most definitely cannot make!....like when I wanted to buy a wall clock! (Recently instead of getting a new power cord for the laptop, he spent a whole weekend messing around with his power tester, soldering, cutting wires...etc - but by the end of it the cord works brilliantly and you wouldn't even know that he cut an inch if it. He saved some money and was very pleased with himself.)
So dressing gowns. He is most definitely making them. Instead of buying material he has purchased coral fleece blankets from KMart which are far cheaper - queen size for $19. The challenge has grown to making some for his grandchildren as well....7 in total. Currently his 4 down with 3 to go and getting better and better with each one.
Love my super talented husband!
