Friday, April 13, 2012

"Isolated Loneliness...."

I am feeling acutely lonely today.....it not an unfamiliar emotion to me. I remember feeling lonely a lot throughout my life. Maybe it was a consequence of being the oldest and only girl in the four children of my family....or maybe it is a personality things....I don't know.

My star sign is Sagittarius - which is fiery and social by nature, which I am/can be, I feel positively charged after genuine social interactions.....is this why I am so susceptible to feelings of loneliness - without that social charge? As I look back on my life it is peppered with moments of loneliness - I although had friends at school and at church, despite moving inter-state with my family and back again - I often felt isolated and misunderstood and had a tendency to withdraw into my own head.

I know for sure it got worse when I got married....life got a little harder and more busy, I spent less personal time with people and I found other newly married friends preferred to spend time with their spouses. I am pretty sure however that that wasn't the only reason - two of my husbands children went camping for Easter with a group of young married couples and their babies. I have to shamefully admit that I was a little (more than a little....ok...ugh!) envious, never having that kind of relationship with anyone/couple that I have known.

Isolation increased when I had children, with an environmental element as well. My brothers hadn't had any children, I was in a different state away from my family and friends, I didn't know anybody and my marriage already had secrets I was ashamed of. I spent a lot of time in my head and a lot of time not connecting at mothers group and at church, and wishing that I could have mother friends who randomly stopped by, who I could really talk to, make dinner plans with and have our children play together.

It didn't help that my first husband had some kind of social issues/phobia and much preferred me, our children or his own company. I felt like I lived in another world to most of the people I mingled with at church - I didn't think that was all in my head, I was pretty certain they were not going home to a drug addiction and a turbulently violent household.

Singledom with 3 children ramped up the loneliness - I found it hard to connect with unmarried people on one hand and on the other felt like a reject family to the 'complete' families. I think I wanted to marry the first man I entirely connected with (although my commitment was a different story - just ask him.)

My now husband, who I intend to annoyingly love forever, is entirely social on the outside but in reality bit of a loner (maybe I am inherently attracted to them?...Loners). He doesn't hunger for people interaction like I do. He doesn't have any close friends and doesn't appear to mind - making it quite difficult for him to understand my bouts of isolation and loneliness. I try to convince him that I am different, I get my views on the world from my interactions with people - its like my energy feeds off them....I don't think he gets it.

Or

It all could be hormonally related too - PMS depression, I know I get that.....When I die, I am going to have words to my God about that!!

Seriously.


1 comment:

  1. oh I hear ya! on all the above points. I need social interaction too and have always longed to live with another friend close by so we can swap babysitting and cook the occasional meal together or clean houses together! maybe one day! I often think I have no real friends and I get sad about it.

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