Sunday, June 13, 2010

Just One Of Those Days.....

I hope so....

I have afternoon church and I really don't know if I can do it today....I am starting to dread Sundays - and I LIKE church. Its the getting the kids all ready that I hate - its worse than school days. Regardless of how organised I am, with their clothes, nursery snacks made, lunch in plenty of time....they won't listen, they fight, they get dirty. I am mentally exhausted. I don't want to be yelling at them on Sunday as well - let alone any other day!

Lately I have been really feeling the never ending-ness of it all. I don't know how long I can keep doing it by myself, every single day. I wish their dad was more involved in their lives, phone calls are so random - and they miss him terribly, I feel so sad for them. Ash wants to be just like him, Amelie just wants to be with him. And I wish he would get it together, at least to be an active father for them!

I am so hurt and disillusioned by men and marriage, that the idea of getting married again really scares me. So its not like I am waiting around to be saved....No matter how amazing the man is - I would always be wondering when he would change his mind.

Just me and kids...

I am working on it - I have my goals and my plans. I am studying, so in five years I will have a degree, and better able to support us all.....But the pressure is killing me! I fear I am doing a rubbish job. People wonder how I manage...barely, is the answer. Little Jack has got into the habit of running away every time he gets in trouble. Its like I know what I can do to make things better, but I can't make myself do it - I just don't have the energy anymore. My calling is becoming a stress, not that it is terribly hard, but just another thing I have to do, more people I let down if I can't pull it off.

I used to be so idealistic, now I have become a cynic. My faith has taken a battering over the last five years, and I haven't been able to get it back. As well as I am doing, and as far as I have come - it just doesn't seem like its enough....

Let's hope it IS just one of those days.....


PS Sorry for the depressing post people.....keeping it real.

3 comments:

  1. Go to church, despite the hard work it takes to get ready. Sometimes when I think I'm going to yell I whisper instead. The spirit flee's when I raise my voice in frustration, I feel it. Have faith that when you do and are in the places HF has asked you to be the blessing will flow.

    Speak with your Bishop, ask for a blessing. Share the burden.

    Ask for help.

    Just keep swimming.

    x
    H

    PS "To mothers who are raising their children without a father in the home, I promise you that as you speak of Jesus Christ, you will feel the power of heaven blessing you.

    After her husband passed away, Sister Stella Oaks raised her three young children (including Elder Dallin H. Oaks) as a single mother. She once said: “I was given to know that the Lord loved me and that I would be made equal to my mission. I felt an encircling love … [and knew] he [would sustain us] through the opposition that [would] arise.”
    Elder Neil L. Andersen

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  2. I've found it takes me to the very last second to get my kids ready, no matter how long I've got to do it. Afternoon church is hard work.
    My man has PTSD after a work place accident, where his mate died in his arms (long story, very short version). It was in 2007, and life is still not back to normal. Sometimes I feel like I am doing everything on my own... but he is still here, actively messing things up. My kids struggle with wanting to be/be with their Dad, who is here, but not always really here. We were homeless for 6 weeks or so, and are now in a 10sq. tin shed... and blah blah blah, the list of things that suck is a long one. Keeping it real helps me to keep my perspective... It IS hard, and even when there are 2 adults parenting is really full on. The only way to face it, for me, is in small bites, or babysteps (love my FlyLady). One day, one hour, 15 mins, 5 mins at a time.
    You can do it. You ARE doing it.
    You are everything your children need you to be. Your plans for the future are focused on fulfilling their needs.
    Idealism can only get you so far through life, and cynicism I find sucks too much out of me. I'm trying for realism... realistically, as well as you are doing, as far as you have come, it IS enough for today... and that is more than ok.

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  3. oh dear! you never know your blessings until you hear others stories!! you girls are such an example!! keep going xx

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